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Post by coachinghopeful on Aug 2, 2009 1:40:25 GMT -6
OK, this one's not funny like the others, but the worst lockerroom speech I've ever been around came during halftime of a game my Junior year against one of our big rivals (one of only 3 local teams we got to play because of how our disctrict was drawn up).
That year, our HC had essentially farmed out offensive coordinator duties to our QB's meddling parents, who were very well connected politically and pretty much ran the whole program for him. Our QB's cousin was our "star" WR who couldn't catch a cold. These two were our fastest players, yet they were the non-2 way players we had because they refused to play defense
Well, at halftime, we were down by 3 TDs, largely because our QB had 3 turnovers in the first half and couldn't hit water from a boat, when the QB's dad (who was official statkeeper) busted into the locker room and started ranting and pointing fingers and throwing gatorade around while our HC and assistants just walked out without saying a word.
What he laid on us wasn't a speech so much as it was an incoherent finger pointing session. He ranted at how we had "the greatest QB in the history of this school but he can't be everywhere at once." He looked right at the linemen (which included me) and said we were all a bunch of "gutless p****** trying to get (the QB) killed." He called the whole defense "a bunch of f*** that couldn't tackle a pile of $hit." He kept screaming about how we needed to grow a pair and hit somebody. But that wasn't the best part.
The best part was his conclusion, which included him laying a big bull session on the QB and WR about how great they were and how they deserved so much better than this sad group of teammates they had, then told us that if we'd all just rally around these two they would still win it for us.
We lost 42-12. QB threw 3 more picks and fumbled again in the second half. When we watched film together on Mon. we counted 10 drops by our "stud" WR to go with his 3 receptions (we were 11/39 for 87 yards with 5 INTs the whole game--I still remember that stat line as clear as day).
We finished 3-7 that year and the HC got canned at the insistence of the QB and his parents, who didn't want him "ruining" the kid's senior year--this came a year after he'd guided us to our best record and first playoff appearance ever. The QB's family handpicked 2 assistants to be HC/DC and OC, who even gave the QB's mom a headset so she could have the OC's ear for each play...
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2009 7:04:52 GMT -6
Halftime down 40-12
and I quote "Don't worry.....the game's half over"...gotta love the pessimist coach
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Post by coachorr on Aug 2, 2009 7:21:58 GMT -6
Kell, now that is funny.
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Post by coachorr on Aug 2, 2009 7:31:32 GMT -6
My sophomore year, we were playing a JV game against a bitter rival. An alumni coach who had played a couple years in the NFL (GREAT GUY, by the way, who is now coaching professionally) was the Varsity DL coach, but also called plays on JV and helped coach on game days. Anyway, we're losing like 13-3 or something like that. We go in at halftime, and this huge guy in his deep thundering voice yells "OFFESNIVE LINE, OVER HERE ON THE BENCH!!" Anyway, at this point, I'm eternally greatfull that I am an offensive back, so I wander over and pick my nose while the backfield coach talks about something or other. But nobody is paying attention because we're all listening to this other coach and want to hear what he has to say to the OL. Anyway, he's got the whole group of them sitting side-by-side on the bench. He puts his forefingers and thumbs together, with the wrists facing the OL and the fingers pointed down, thumbs pointed up. He yells, "THIS IS YOU RIGHT HERE. BIG F****** C**TS WITH NO F****** HAIR!" He looks at our starting RT and yells, "PARRY, YOU'RE A P****!", picks up his clipboard, and walks out. That was the absolute best and worst halftime speech I have ever heard, all rolled into one. Yes, but ironically, it is the best halftime speech ever from a coach's stand point, because it has to be one of the all time funniest. Don't get me wrong, I am not necessarily for it and you would never hear something like that from me, but I can understand it. |
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Post by 19delta on Aug 2, 2009 7:40:31 GMT -6
Halftime down 40-12 and I quote "Don't worry.....the game's half over"...gotta love the pessimist coach Sometimes you gotta be brutally honest. My junior year in college, we were getting hammered 28-0 by halftime. Other team was bigger, stronger, faster, and completely outplayed and outexecuted us the first half. So the score didn't indicate how thoroughly we had been dominated. Anyway, our head coach comes in the locker room and very calmly says, "Fellas...this one got away from us. We aren't going to talk about winning this game because that just isn't going to happen today. Instead, what we are going to do is talk about what they are doing, make some adjustments, and then see if we can at least execute some plays and get a few stops on defense." So, that's what we did. And then we went out in the second half and scored 3 TDs. Still lost the game 42-21 but we at least recovered a small measure of dignity. Head coach is a great guy, too. One of the best coaches I ever had. He's a member of the state high school coaching association's Hall of Fame. Maybe file this under "Best speech ever?"  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2009 10:47:28 GMT -6
Halftime down 40-12 and I quote "Don't worry.....the game's half over"...gotta love the pessimist coach Sometimes you gotta be brutally honest. My junior year in college, we were getting hammered 28-0 by halftime. Other team was bigger, stronger, faster, and completely outplayed and outexecuted us the first half. So the score didn't indicate how thoroughly we had been dominated. Anyway, our head coach comes in the locker room and very calmly says, "Fellas...this one got away from us. We aren't going to talk about winning this game because that just isn't going to happen today. Instead, what we are going to do is talk about what they are doing, make some adjustments, and then see if we can at least execute some plays and get a few stops on defense." So, that's what we did. And then we went out in the second half and scored 3 TDs. Still lost the game 42-21 but we at least recovered a small measure of dignity. Head coach is a great guy, too. One of the best coaches I ever had. He's a member of the state high school coaching association's Hall of Fame. Maybe file this under "Best speech ever?" No not ths one....he's had quite a few quotables. Great guy , but a bit of an airhead. "Any team that wins a championship deserves a trophy" |
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Post by airraider on Aug 2, 2009 12:23:52 GMT -6
Going to use a little stereotyping for you.. but obviously it was true in this case..
Was coaching at an all white school a few years ago.. we had one black kid who was a little freshmen.. and was obviously average in the manhood area.. because..
We ended up getting a transfer in from a neighboring school who just dropped football.. Black kid named Donald..
Well as soon as the first practice was over.. and it was shower time.. the "big" story was Donald..
Well we are in a game getting our guts busted out.. we finally make it to halftime.. kids seemed to be just laying down..
The halftime speech went as follows..
"Gather around guys.. Now I want each of you to take your hand and reach between your legs and tell me if you feel anything.. Donald.. you use two hands.. Now you are either men or girls.. you tell me which one.."
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Post by 19delta on Aug 2, 2009 12:49:35 GMT -6
Going to use a little stereotyping for you.. but obviously it was true in this case.. Was coaching at an all white school a few years ago.. we had one black kid who was a little freshmen.. and was obviously average in the manhood area.. because.. We ended up getting a transfer in from a neighboring school who just dropped football.. Black kid named Donald.. Well as soon as the first practice was over.. and it was shower time.. the "big" story was Donald.. Well we are in a game getting our guts busted out.. we finally make it to halftime.. kids seemed to be just laying down.. The halftime speech went as follows.. "Gather around guys.. Now I want each of you to take your hand and reach between your legs and tell me if you feel anything.. Donald.. you use two hands.. Now you are either men or girls.. you tell me which one.." Here's a similar story about Tommy Lasorda: Tommy Lasorda Is Mesmerized By Jesus Feliciano's SwingJesus Feliciano apparently is hung like a moose (the exact phrase that was used was like 2 Coke cans stacked on top of each other). One of our scouts managed him in in the Florida State League in the Dodger's system and one day Lasorda is in town to help teach or do whatever it is he does.
After practice Tommy walks out of the shower, naked, and says "Jesus, what did we learn about hitting today?" Without waiting for an answer Tommy pivots like he's hitting and says "you snap...snap the hips". Keep in mind he's naked at this point. Feliciano picks up on this and he starts pivoting like he's
hitting, also naked, so again, but much larger. This was also in the middle of the locker room, so everyone's head was moving
like they were at a tennis match. Tommy keeps this up for a couple minutes without batting an eye and as he's walking out says, "By the way, 50 years in baseball and that's the biggest fvcking c0cl< I've ever seen". |
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Post by coachbdud on Aug 2, 2009 17:29:56 GMT -6
Going to use a little stereotyping for you.. but obviously it was true in this case.. Was coaching at an all white school a few years ago.. we had one black kid who was a little freshmen.. and was obviously average in the manhood area.. because.. We ended up getting a transfer in from a neighboring school who just dropped football.. Black kid named Donald.. Well as soon as the first practice was over.. and it was shower time.. the "big" story was Donald.. Well we are in a game getting our guts busted out.. we finally make it to halftime.. kids seemed to be just laying down.. The halftime speech went as follows.. "Gather around guys.. Now I want each of you to take your hand and reach between your legs and tell me if you feel anything.. Donald.. you use two hands.. Now you are either men or girls.. you tell me which one.." Here's a similar story about Tommy Lasorda: Tommy Lasorda Is Mesmerized By Jesus Feliciano's SwingJesus Feliciano apparently is hung like a moose (the exact phrase that was used was like 2 Coke cans stacked on top of each other). One of our scouts managed him in in the Florida State League in the Dodger's system and one day Lasorda is in town to help teach or do whatever it is he does.
After practice Tommy walks out of the shower, naked, and says "Jesus, what did we learn about hitting today?" Without waiting for an answer Tommy pivots like he's hitting and says "you snap...snap the hips". Keep in mind he's naked at this point. Feliciano picks up on this and he starts pivoting like he's
hitting, also naked, so again, but much larger. This was also in the middle of the locker room, so everyone's head was moving
like they were at a tennis match. Tommy keeps this up for a couple minutes without batting an eye and as he's walking out says, "By the way, 50 years in baseball and that's the biggest fvcking c0cl< I've ever seen".LMAO priceless... |
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Post by odline on Aug 4, 2009 19:52:43 GMT -6
an asst. coach I work with now. Told the kids that coaching them " was like herding cats". Deer in the headlights was the only reaction from the kids,
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Post by davecisar on Aug 5, 2009 6:43:13 GMT -6
First and only year I was an assistant coach for a youth football team:
At halftime of a game we werent playing well a kid gets up to get his water bottle- coach tells him " You dont deserve to get any water"
Last year as an assistant, last year of working with that guy.
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Post by outlawjoseywales on Aug 5, 2009 9:34:57 GMT -6
Warning Hijack coming: Dave, I don't know what the deal with "water" and coaching is, I suffered with that as a kid, but remember that was before the round wheel was invented. If this kid would have had some type of head related issue, somebody else would have been living in this coach's house. It's like that now, you cannot play games with water, it's just nuts to even say anything about it. I write on the bottom of every daily practice schedule every single day-"Remember coaches, players can get water anytime they want it." However, I coach varsity, I don't have little Johnny pee-pot drinking water every 2 minutes either. This is something I do for liability. _________ Now back to retarded coaches: It's usually the dumb coaches that say dumb things, the smart one usually keep their mouth shut. Had a head coach that was going to do with big speech about how that it was a "myth" that our school cannot win. (we were trying to rebuild a team) Problem was that he got the word "myth" and "mystic" confused and used the latter for the former. It was hard to stand there and aman him while this was going on. He thought that the kids were really listening to him, they were but the look on their face wasn't interest, it was confusion. Kids came up to me after this grand speech and asked what a mystic was. I said "it's kinda like a mistake." They didn't get that either.  I've seen a bunch of stuff, worst is "dads" as coaches. I have to have them. One Dad's son got hurt and he sends out somebody as a hit man to try and attack and hopefully hurt the kid that had accidently put his son out of the game. Wow, thank the Lord there were no lawyers around. The guy was fired before he got home. One guy grabbed a kid by the facemask and slung him around because he didn't cheap shot a ball carrier who was running out of bounds. Just so happened that his Mom and Dad were standing at the fence at that exact point. Again, no lawyers. (he was fired) too many stories to tell. OJW |
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Post by coachorr on Aug 5, 2009 10:46:05 GMT -6
Today in Elkhart Indiana, Obama says that American technology is the best, after 6 months of trashing the American automobile and the country in general.
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Post by tiger46 on Aug 5, 2009 11:57:02 GMT -6
Worst speech I ever heard was by me during my first season of coaching youth football. I was an AC. The HC couldn't make it to the game. So, I was left with the half-time speech. The second worse speech was any of the speeches the HC would give before, during or after a game.
Nothing about it was funny. So, I won't try to repeat any of it. I'm still embarrassed by it. We were really bad coaches in a terrible organization. And, I owe those kids an apology. I guess the only person that ended up motivated in the least bit about my speech was me. After the season, it was one of the factors that made me realize how crappy of a coach that I was. And, made me seek help by finding football materials and coaching boards like this one.
I'm still far from being a great coach. But, thanks to you all for the improvements that ya'll have helped me to make over the years. And, my gratitude is sincere.
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Post by spartancoach on Aug 5, 2009 12:16:48 GMT -6
Coaching a youth team from an upper middle to upper class area about 10 years ago. We were away at a real working class, blue collar town. As part of the pre-game speech, and within earshot of most of our opponent's parents, the HC asked, "did you watch Jerry Springer and wonder where they come up with those freaks, they come from ___town."
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coachriley
Junior Member
"Tough times don't last; Tough people do."
Posts: 406
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Post by coachriley on Aug 6, 2009 21:06:31 GMT -6
Sometimes you gotta be brutally honest. My junior year in college, we were getting hammered 28-0 by halftime. Other team was bigger, stronger, faster, and completely outplayed and outexecuted us the first half. So the score didn't indicate how thoroughly we had been dominated. Anyway, our head coach comes in the locker room and very calmly says, "Fellas...this one got away from us. We aren't going to talk about winning this game because that just isn't going to happen today. Instead, what we are going to do is talk about what they are doing, make some adjustments, and then see if we can at least execute some plays and get a few stops on defense." So, that's what we did. And then we went out in the second half and scored 3 TDs. Still lost the game 42-21 but we at least recovered a small measure of dignity. Head coach is a great guy, too. One of the best coaches I ever had. He's a member of the state high school coaching association's Hall of Fame. Maybe file this under "Best speech ever?" [/quote] This isnt exactly the worst speech ever, but it was the most pessimistic speech I ever heard while I was playing, and it came from a coach that I respect greatly, lol. It was in our first district game if I remember correctly. Now we were a bad team, we didnt win a single game that season and good Lord we did not have any speed. He was our OC and we came in at halftime and basically said, in not so many words, to basically forget about this game and just go have some fun. Well hell, that was all that we had wanted to hear for a while, so we went out and put together some drives and scored a bit. We still got beat pretty bad but that speech always stuck with me. Like I said, not the worst speech ever, but just the most pessimistic and always stuck with me, haha. |
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Post by atalbert on Aug 11, 2009 12:24:00 GMT -6
Had a coach that refused to swear around the kids. Good guy, good coach, but his speeches were lacking. He talked with a lisp, spit alot and used phrases like "rock their jocks" instead of "whip their a$$". Best words out of his mouth...ever... You guys are playing like ....... like.......(2 second pause) (now everyone is actually listening to him because we think he might swear).... DONKEY FARTS!"
Yes, the mother of all insults...donkey farts. That was actually the first and last time I've ever heard those words come from a human being's lips (unless they were there and telling the story)
There was quite a bit of cheek and lip biting and looking at the floor. One kid actually had tears coming from his eyes because he was laughing so hard. The coach thought he was crying because he had played so badly...so he went with it.
Wiped his eyes and told the coach how sorry he was and would play better in the second half...and then yelled .... "great speech coach" as he put his helmet on and ran back out of the locker room.
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cwoo54
Freshmen Member
OH YEAH!
Posts: 59
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Post by cwoo54 on Aug 11, 2009 12:58:16 GMT -6
During my first year here we we playing horrible in the first half against a team in which we should have been on even ground. when it was my turn to say something, I said something that I was they needed to pick their A&^%es up and get going. I threw a few He**s and Da**s in there (I don't cuss much.). I was embarrassed about it (I know, but it just isn't me to lose it) so I left the locker room. When the coaches came out I apologized for my behavior they started laughing and said I wouldn't have to worry about it. I guess the Backs coach came in after me and said "See? You have Coach W so upset he is cussing! You guys are sorry! You are playing like you got a D*** up your A**!"
I guess it went on from there. Glad I left.
We lost 31-0...
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Post by pantherpride91 on Aug 11, 2009 13:11:29 GMT -6
When I was playing, we had a coach that came over from school that was not very good. We were coming off a couple state championships and he was just jacked to be there. On top of that, he was a very emotional guy.
The team he came from was in our league and before that game our HC let him give a little speech. He gets all fired up and starts crying while he gives the speech. Well about halfway in he goes "I would give my right nut to be in your shoes right now". He did not know the team real well at that point and of course we had a kid that had to have one of his nuts removed. As soon as he said that all eyes went on that kid and we did all we could not to bust out laughing.
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Post by coachorr on Aug 11, 2009 13:15:12 GMT -6
Now, that is funny. I know the guy you are talking about, there are guys like that everywhere. They work up a bunch of emotion and say off the wall stuff that do the opposite of what is intended.
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Post by davecisar on Aug 12, 2009 10:36:40 GMT -6
This seemed like a pretty bad one:
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Post by alneufeld on Aug 12, 2009 11:12:26 GMT -6
This seemed like a pretty bad one: Legolas, legolas...Ha! |
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dbeck84
Sophomore Member
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Post by dbeck84 on Aug 13, 2009 13:11:13 GMT -6
My sophomore year of high school I was playing varsity. We were having a terrible season (we finished 1-8 winning the last game of the season in overtime). It was a thursday night walkthrough and about halfway through practice the coach calls everybody in. We stack and he says, "Hopefully the power will be out tomorrow night because there aren't enough lights on the scoreboard for the points they're going to score. Get out of here. Ready...break". It was very inspirational and we went on to get our asses kicked.
I also had a coach in college who had some great one-liners. Too many great ones to list.
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Post by spartancoach on Aug 13, 2009 15:20:20 GMT -6
I just remembered the worst half-time speech I have ever heard. About 4 years ago, I was QB coach for varsity team, we had an OC with about 20 years coaching experience, and a new HC with almost no experience (politics are great). We have a pretty strong, fast team and are playing the perennial doormat, small school with no athletes. We were listed as 21 point favorites only because the local paper did not want to degrade them further by saying we should win by whatever score we chose. We play the first half like absolute dogcrap, can't move the ball a lick, and although we held them scoreless, they moved pretty well between the 20s. We are up 14-0 at the half only because our stud TB had 2 broken field runs. Ugliest 14-0 lead you have ever seen.
Before speaking to the HC at half-time the OC and I are beside ourselves trying to figure out how we are getting so outplayed. While we are looking over the drive chart, the HC walks into the lockerroom and says,
"We are up by 2 scores; keep up the good work."
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Post by rosey65 on May 25, 2016 11:06:19 GMT -6
As a player, Sr year of college, facing a team on the road we hadn't beaten in years. Our new OC gets up, mopey, "guys, I know it's been X-teen years since we've beat these guys. But if we play really hard, we should be able to keep it kinda close." Our stud receiver jumps up, kicks him and the rest of the staff out of the room, holds a player-only meeting. We win 35-28 behind 350 rushing yards. We play them again 3 weeks later, have 5 rush attempts and 4 INT's in 1st half, despite our 350 rush yards the previous game, basically mutiny against the OC at halftime. Come back from 28 down to lose by 10 or so. Not a speech, the whole program's mindset was awful.
As a coach, and on a little brighter note, we are at home in a great, close play-off game. I had a white board I'd draw on every series. I'd had it all season, the OL joked about it being my security blanket. I had to get a new one for the playoffs, thought I'd send the old one out with a bang. My plan was to bash the chit out of it before halftime, knowing it would throw the OL off, then strut into the locker room at halftime holding the new one. Just before halftime, as I was ramping up my speech to culminate in trashing the board, the HC walks up, "make a damn block!!" and puts his hand through the board. The OL gets wide-eyed, they stare at me, not sure how I'll react. Speech destroyed, time to move on...I get my halftime strut, they all laugh (the whole point) and we start the 2nd half. --now the whole point of the story: we have a rough first series. The RB coach, quite a hot-head to begin with, starts running down the sideline screaming nonsense. He busts through the huddle of OL, grabs my NEW board, starts slamming it down on the ground "YOU NEED TO GO CRAZY...DUCKING CRAZY...DUCKING DUCKING CRAZY!!!!" Flings the board onto the track, then storms off. I've never seen a more deflating reaction from a bunch of players in my life. "but...we needed that board! Rosey, what do we do??" I swear, our starting LT had tears in his eyes.
We lost on a 40-yard FG. Horn sounded when the ball was in the air (loudest sound I've ever heard) and the ball bounced on and then over the crossbar.
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Post by rsmith627 on May 25, 2016 15:34:18 GMT -6
We had a manager that was a special Ed kid. Anyway, we coaches would go out and he would give a pep talk. One time I stayed in the office just to take a moment to myself and overheard most of it. Pure brilliance.
Alright guys! I have a few thing to say!
Team: tell us!
Manager: phuc these guys!
Team: yeah!
Manager: we are gonna go out there, phuc them right in the butts, make them suck the poop off, and call them homos for doing it!
We are going to violate their girlfriends and probably get stds because they're dirty!
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Post by blb on May 25, 2016 16:55:52 GMT -6
I didn't hear this one (for obvious reasons) but...
Bill Peterson was HC at Florida State, then Rice, then Houston Oilers in '60s-early '70s.
He was as famous (or infamous) for his "malaprops" as he was his coaching.
Supposedly one time, after giving the team his big Pre-Game pep talk before sending them out, he said:
"Okay, now it's time to say Our Lord's Prayer!"
And began it...
"Now I lay me down to sleep..."
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Post by dytmook on May 25, 2016 18:20:14 GMT -6
My first year coaching we took a trip about an hour away to play a league game. Well traffic was non existent for some reason and we got to the school incredibly early. Like 5:15 for a 7:30 kick. So we spent a lot of time just lounging and staying loose. The coaches were mostly on the high jump mat reenacting Chapelle Show skits while the band practice. This band director was a total penis wrinkle. First the kids had goofy props and he's yelling at them "don't mind them, we have the field until 6". We gave them all the space they could want so it was odd he said it. He then proceeded to yell at these kids wield wooden swords of some Roman themed show. Hilarious and I thought it couldn't be topped until...
It's almost kick off and the school didn't have a locker room so we went off to the side to do pre game talk etc. All the coaches do their thing and we were feeling good and then the bus driver comes up and asks if he can say something. He's an adoptive part of the staff...albeit one that's always in the way, but the HC says go for it. He gets up there and talks real quit at first and says, "I'm proud of you guys...you didn't leave any trash on the bus. Not one bottle and I checked." No idea what he said after that because I about rolled off this little hill laughing.
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Post by rsmith627 on May 25, 2016 19:10:20 GMT -6
My first year coaching we took a trip about an hour away to play a league game. Well traffic was non existent for some reason and we got to the school incredibly early. Like 5:15 for a 7:30 kick. So we spent a lot of time just lounging and staying loose. The coaches were mostly on the high jump mat reenacting Chapelle Show skits while the band practice. This band director was a total penis wrinkle. First the kids had goofy props and he's yelling at them "don't mind them, we have the field until 6". We gave them all the space they could want so it was odd he said it. He then proceeded to yell at these kids wield wooden swords of some Roman themed show. Hilarious and I thought it couldn't be topped until... It's almost kick off and the school didn't have a locker room so we went off to the side to do pre game talk etc. All the coaches do their thing and we were feeling good and then the bus driver comes up and asks if he can say something. He's an adoptive part of the staff...albeit one that's always in the way, but the HC says go for it. He gets up there and talks real quit at first and says, "I'm proud of you guys...you didn't leave any trash on the bus. Not one bottle and I checked." No idea what he said after that because I about rolled off this little hill laughing. To piggyback on your post, you reminded me of our trainer. She never says anything really funny, but has the need to address the team after every dang practice with the same old stuff: ice your boo boos, stay hydrated you need this many liters of water per day to sustain your growing bodies. All great tips really, but it was the same thing every day, and she's also kind of socially awkward in that she tries to be sarcastic and funny and has a ton of potentially to be, but her timing and delivery just always hit the wrong way. Anyway, practice ends and the HC can kind of see her bouncing around back there just looking for a chance to interrupt with her two cents. HC cuts her off, and says "ok Katie, what do you have to say?" She was caught so off guard that she didn't say anything. She's walking in with us and HC goes "god damn you Katie. Know that I'm calling on you first from now on and you better have your chit together next time. If you don't have it ready to go then you don't get any input." |
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Post by dytmook on May 25, 2016 19:25:16 GMT -6
That's great, we have a surly trainer who I love hearing tell the kids to stay hydrated or she will have to have a coach and herself take their rectal temperature if heat stroke is suspected. Amazing we haven't had kids fall out during 2 a days since that became mandatory.
hydrate or penetrate.
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