Worst...Speech...EVER.

That is Hill larry Us!

Now that's funny!

Sad...

But funny!

Had a coach once offer a dollar to anybody who made a tackle inside the 20 on a kickoff. A whole DOLLAR! Thing was our kicker usually kicked to about the 30 so I guess we had to drag the guy backward. Well, that's what the big buck is for.

one time, during half time of our last game years ago...

"that" assistant coach that really isn't 'all there' chimed in during a break in half time speech post-adjustment session....and goes..


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that was about verbatim what he said.

Us coaches look at each other like WTF is this guy talking about?! Kids are confused....meanwhile, this coach is going ballistic like he was being interviewed by Mean Gene Oakerland.

Sad to say, this wasn't the only idiotic statement this guy would later go on to contribute.

A year later, a DIFFERENT assistant offered his two-cents at half time.

We were playing our inner-city rival who was a powerhouse. We held our own in the first half and weren't playing that bad, but our kids had real fragile confidence levels. We meet as coaches once we get in the locker room, like always to review our game plan. HC says, "hey, we're not playing too bad, let's keep the kids' spirits up and encourage them to get it done in the second half" We all nod in agreement.

After conferring, we head out to address the players. Before we get a word out, this assistant comes out saying, "GD, you no-good sonsof_____ you guys are getting your a&& kicked out there! I can't believe how dumb you ***** are....."

we didn't bring him back the next year

Getting into the office without breaking up took awesome self control.

i dislike when coaches pick out on player and then pick on him or pick on the o and d lines.

it is a tough guy who can berate people all right.


one thing have round which works is asking the kids what they need to do to win the game. we then have them write it down on the dry erase board. do this beginning of the week. gets them to think at least.

We had a good one in a film session last season.

We have film up on the screen in a classroom. The DC sits behing the teachers desk on the chair. The screen is in front and the teacher desk is in the top left corner of the room.

I sit in the first student desk on the left side of the room. So Im right next to this guy.

Anyway we didnt play real well, especially on defense. We were out of position, we missed a bunch of tackles, we didnt make our reads etc.

Anyway he starts going off something about p**** a** tackling and p**** s*** football etc etc etc. He gets up off the chair knocks it over. Kinda kicks it about 2 feet, fumlbes with the chair some more then picks the chair back up and fires it across the room.

I did EVERYTHING I could not to bust a gut right there.

These are classic...keep em' coming.

I worked for a guy who will never get accused of being a motivational speaker. Anyway, we had just finished watching film with the team on saturday morning - had a big game coming up the next week. He starts his pep talk...and for a change he's doing pretty good...even getting me and the LB's coach fired up! So he's working his way to the end of the speech...getting ready for the big send off....."all right men, next friday night, we need to go out their and get after em'! Get after em' like a bad mother....mother.....GOOSE!"

WTF? Talk about going limp.

ND Coach can vouch for this. This was a speech by my HS football coach at half when I was playing. We were getting beat like 21-0 to a team we should were even with. Coach comes in and starts talking about how he couldn't sleep the night before and he turned on the tv. He started watching a show about guys in prison being "cornholed". He said that the inmates started to accept and ended up enjoying it. We started looking at each other were like what the heck. He goes well men thats whats happening here tonight your getting "cornholed". And you like it. He says "they are greasing you up and packing your sh** and you like it". We were like is he really saying this. Somehow it kind of worked. We go out and played great in the second half and lost 27-28, probably would have won had I not thrown an int late in the game. We still laugh about his cornhole speech.

Well I have to tell on myself here...the above post reminded me of my own terrible speech.

It's the third game of the year, we're 1-1 and are playing an 0-2 team that has struggled the past 2 weeks. They come out in a totally different offense (full house T when they are usually a spread team), taking us by surprise. They are up by 14 at half and we are playing like crap, nothing consistent on offense and they are controlling the LOS on defense. Needless to say I'm really pissed at half-time.

I usually go in and say a few words, then meet with the coaches before we make our adjustments for the second half. Well this time I scream ot our kids (which I rarely do) about how we have been handled up front and physically beaten. My quote was "they came out here tonight ready to play, bent you guys over and gave it to you!!! How does it taste?" While I'm now very embarassed by the content of my statment, but at least I could have said "How does it feel!" I'm sure the kids will get a chuckle out of that at their reunion.

P.S. We still lost, but we came back and an Int return doomed us.

My sophomore year we are getting killed in the playoffs in our HC's last year at the school. It has already been decided that he was going to take a college job the next season.

Well of course he wanted to go out a winner, or at least not a loser..... well too bad..

We were getting killed at halftime like 45-10 or something. They had already started subing players.

We come into the locker room and the coaches looses it. He starts yelling about how they are bustin our butts out there and we couldnt care less. He said we were like a bunch of little girls on the rag.

Then as soon as he said that he hauled off and kicked over the table with the gatoraide which happened to be red and full of ice. He went to power out of the locker room and stepped on some of the Ice and busted his arse, I mean flat butted. He got up and the whole back of his khakis were bright red.

Only fitting that he busted his butt and had a butt full of red after telling us we were gutting out butts busted and playing like girls on the rag..

Priceless!!!

He has sense retired from coaching, but that story might never quit.

?? when the heck did I post this? This never happened!!

LOL.. must have been one of those kept the computer signed on in the coaching office times.. oh well.. I just got a good kick out of that one..

Know another guy who referred to the gaps as "holes". So, at halftime, he told the kids that we had to "get 'em out of our A-holes", and "They are tearing up our A-Holes!"...it was hard to keep a straight face. (the guy is a great coach, too. Kids love him and he is a lot of fun to work with...it was just funny at the time.)

Our old coach in hs would read his pre-game speech off index cards! He had a stack of them for each game and would recite this important info in a monotone voice(which was hilarious by itself), but anyhow he'd be reading off the cards and have to pause occasionally to flip to a new card, so often you lost the motivational effect. For example- "Boys, this game can make our season, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, win! win!- Long pause while he fumbles for the next card- then" Hit! Hit!", ands thats the end? We'd all look at each other biting our lips to keep from laughing, thinking- C'mon coach couldnt that have fit on the previous card lol? Great football teacher but lousy public speaker lol!

One of the members on this board will probably deny that this story every happened or not remember it. He was my high school football coach.

About 18 years ago we are in a fairly close game with a team I don't remember when said coach calls a time out. He had already busted his clip board on the sideline and you could see the steam rising from his head as he came out to the huddle. We knew that a good old *ss chewin' was a comin'. He starts out the chewin' with the most unforgettable words that are still discussed at class reunions. "You guys are playing so bad that you could F*** UP a wet dream." This did not have the desired motivational experience he was looking for because we all busted out laughing.

Thanks for the memories RS!!!

Brophy has a hilarious term for these kinds of "coaches". I believe he refers to them as "fans with a whistle".