Post by fshamrock on Apr 29, 2014 7:34:02 GMT -6
Having been in profession a while now, and been a part of more than a few different staffs, I feel that I have a firm grasp on the high school football coach as a species, the following is my attempt to classify this creature into its various archetypes. I hope that my rigorous evaluation meets with your approval, feel free to add as you see fit, this is more a living, breathing document than anything set in stone
The Athlete
Glorydaysicus Goneimus
- the athlete is typically found in his natural habitat (his hometown), the athlete shows and inclination towards rehashing the same tired stories about his game winning catch against Washington in '02, and even more often the fact that he took twins to the prom. When you need somebody to demonstrate a route, nobody is better, but if the QB doesn't hit him on target, there will be a butt chewing "dang son..put it anywhere near me and I'm gonna snag that hoe". The athlete carries some serious baggage about his playing career, which was cut short due to injuries/coach didn't like him/politics (damn democrats) or a combination of the three, depending on what week you ask him.
The Weight Room Guy
Trapezius Maximus
- If you feel that the weight room is a useful tool toward your overall goals of building a better team, The Weight Room Guy wants you to know that you sir are dead wrong. To the Weight Room Guy, the lifting of heavy objects from the floor isn't just about sport, it's about sticking it to everybody who ever made fun of his shoes on the school bus. Often found grunting unintelligibly, The Weight Room guy is best left alone when "working to hit a PR". If you need someone to demonstrate power clean to the players, this is your guy, but only after he throws another 45 or two on bar. The Weight Room Guy is at his most dangerous when teenagers do not squat to the holy grail of parallel. While you might think of this is a minor technique error that warrants correction, to the weight room guy it is comparable to a Muslim watching someone pee on the Koran
The Dry Erase Board Guy
circleus perfectimus
-woe unto any poor soul attempting draw even the most rudimentary of plays on a dry erase board in this man's presence. Any and all questions regarding a play or scheme will result in a doctorate level dissertation. Want to know how the '89 dolphins ran that double reverse play against the Bengals? The Dry Erase Board guy knows, and even if he doesn't know, he will make something up and draw it, because it is critical to the Dry Erase Board guy that everybody understands that he is the authority on all manners football. Classic Dry Erase Board Guy behavior is to finish the drawing of play with an abrupt slamming down of the dry erase marker, in his language, this message reads: "further discussion is futile, the dry erase board guy has spoken"
The Speech Guy
Lombardicus Worshipus
- Have you seen "Any Given Sunday"? The speech guy has, this morning, and yesterday morning, and the morning before that. The speech guys is known to scour youtube looking for nuggets, any slight cue that might take a mundane speech to the next level of absolute face melting awesomeness that is worth a minimum of 21 points on the field of play (note: to the speech guy, it is the field of battle) When the speech guy is at his best, he will manage to combine elements of Rudy, Patton, Mighty Ducks, Air bud, Air bud strikes back, and Ladybugs into one tirade laden diatribe that will build to an ultimate crescendo. The Speech Guy is the master of the dramatic pause in which he takes an agonizing 47 seconds to look into the eyes of every gathered player, and then whips the players into a frenzy with a dramatic "now let's go get 'em"!!!!!!!
The Old Guy
leatheritus helmetus
- Among his many peculiar habits, the old guy will pour himself a hot cup of black coffee immediately following a practice in the 120 degree heat. Never far from his package of Redman, the old guy has seen it all more than once, and never fails to mention this at every opportunity. The Old Guy is a great resource, but when asking the old guy a question, you'll need to sort through a long and winding road of storytelling that will mention WW2, Steroids, Bike coaching Shorts, smoking cigarettes in the press box, and wild clinic nights with prostitutes. At times, the old guy will make comments that appear whimsical but might actually be extremely racist and make everybody uncomfortable.
The College Guy
-NCAAimus Dynastymodi
- The college guy is an acolyte in the first holy church of spurrier, saban, and meyer. When attending a clinic, be wary of bringing the college guy anywhere near a marquee speaker from a major program, unless you want to see an unholy display of screaming and frothing at the mouth reminiscent teen girls at a Justin Beiber concert. The College Guy is on a one-way first name basis with big names in college coaching "ya bro that's how Urban runs the shovel pass". Paradoxically, the college guy is quick the criticize the decisions of other college football coaches that don't fall into his holy grail. "man i don't know what that d!ckhead at Utah State is doing, that guy is clueless"
The Whipped Guy
nowearmi the pantsimi
- The Whipped guy loves to coach high school football, but his love for the profession does not compare with his fear of the thorough butt chewing he's going to get if he's not home to cook dinner and perform his foot rub duties. The mortal enemy of the whipped guy is the dreaded "meeting". The whipped guy will attempt to defeat the "meeting" by looking at his watch every few seconds and punctuating the maneuver with a resigned sigh. The whipped guy is evangelical in his furor to bring other onto his side of things "say man why do we have to meet for so long, can't we just run the same plays we did last week, i mean jeepers!"
if you've made it this far, and you find this list offensive, you likely fall into the most treasured category....
The Guy Who Takes Himself Way too Seriously
Ultimatus Leaderus
- TGWTHWTS prides himself on having read only one book in his life; the bible, (which to him means Nick Saban's "how good do you want to be" ) TGWTHWTS is not a mere football coach, but a leader of men in the same ilk as Roosevelt, Churchill, Wellington, Eisenhower and the other Roosevelt. The fact that these men changed nations and cultures, while the TGWTHWTS dresses up young people in plastic and has them slam into each other for the purposes of entertainment, is lost on this species. TGWTHWTS will mention the time his first child was born and he didn't make it to the hospital because it was spring install for the JV quick passing game, he is not embarrassed by this, but rather wears it (and other completely irrational decisions) as a badge of honor. To TGWTHWTS there are two kinds of men in this world, those who are good high school football players and will invariably become presidents, spiritual leaders, and captains of industry, and those who are not good high school football players whose path will lead them to hippieism, meth smoking, living in gutters, and homosexuality. This is the most pitiful of creatures, for he has tied his entire sense of self worth into the outcomes of contests played by teenagers. TGWTHWTS will chew out any player at any time and will not shy away from destroying the self respect of young people who have made the mistake of looking up to him by calling them "gutless cowards" for minor infractions. It is his way or the highway, and because of him and those like him, young people are choosing the highway in droves.
The Athlete
Glorydaysicus Goneimus
- the athlete is typically found in his natural habitat (his hometown), the athlete shows and inclination towards rehashing the same tired stories about his game winning catch against Washington in '02, and even more often the fact that he took twins to the prom. When you need somebody to demonstrate a route, nobody is better, but if the QB doesn't hit him on target, there will be a butt chewing "dang son..put it anywhere near me and I'm gonna snag that hoe". The athlete carries some serious baggage about his playing career, which was cut short due to injuries/coach didn't like him/politics (damn democrats) or a combination of the three, depending on what week you ask him.
The Weight Room Guy
Trapezius Maximus
- If you feel that the weight room is a useful tool toward your overall goals of building a better team, The Weight Room Guy wants you to know that you sir are dead wrong. To the Weight Room Guy, the lifting of heavy objects from the floor isn't just about sport, it's about sticking it to everybody who ever made fun of his shoes on the school bus. Often found grunting unintelligibly, The Weight Room guy is best left alone when "working to hit a PR". If you need someone to demonstrate power clean to the players, this is your guy, but only after he throws another 45 or two on bar. The Weight Room Guy is at his most dangerous when teenagers do not squat to the holy grail of parallel. While you might think of this is a minor technique error that warrants correction, to the weight room guy it is comparable to a Muslim watching someone pee on the Koran
The Dry Erase Board Guy
circleus perfectimus
-woe unto any poor soul attempting draw even the most rudimentary of plays on a dry erase board in this man's presence. Any and all questions regarding a play or scheme will result in a doctorate level dissertation. Want to know how the '89 dolphins ran that double reverse play against the Bengals? The Dry Erase Board guy knows, and even if he doesn't know, he will make something up and draw it, because it is critical to the Dry Erase Board guy that everybody understands that he is the authority on all manners football. Classic Dry Erase Board Guy behavior is to finish the drawing of play with an abrupt slamming down of the dry erase marker, in his language, this message reads: "further discussion is futile, the dry erase board guy has spoken"
The Speech Guy
Lombardicus Worshipus
- Have you seen "Any Given Sunday"? The speech guy has, this morning, and yesterday morning, and the morning before that. The speech guys is known to scour youtube looking for nuggets, any slight cue that might take a mundane speech to the next level of absolute face melting awesomeness that is worth a minimum of 21 points on the field of play (note: to the speech guy, it is the field of battle) When the speech guy is at his best, he will manage to combine elements of Rudy, Patton, Mighty Ducks, Air bud, Air bud strikes back, and Ladybugs into one tirade laden diatribe that will build to an ultimate crescendo. The Speech Guy is the master of the dramatic pause in which he takes an agonizing 47 seconds to look into the eyes of every gathered player, and then whips the players into a frenzy with a dramatic "now let's go get 'em"!!!!!!!
The Old Guy
leatheritus helmetus
- Among his many peculiar habits, the old guy will pour himself a hot cup of black coffee immediately following a practice in the 120 degree heat. Never far from his package of Redman, the old guy has seen it all more than once, and never fails to mention this at every opportunity. The Old Guy is a great resource, but when asking the old guy a question, you'll need to sort through a long and winding road of storytelling that will mention WW2, Steroids, Bike coaching Shorts, smoking cigarettes in the press box, and wild clinic nights with prostitutes. At times, the old guy will make comments that appear whimsical but might actually be extremely racist and make everybody uncomfortable.
The College Guy
-NCAAimus Dynastymodi
- The college guy is an acolyte in the first holy church of spurrier, saban, and meyer. When attending a clinic, be wary of bringing the college guy anywhere near a marquee speaker from a major program, unless you want to see an unholy display of screaming and frothing at the mouth reminiscent teen girls at a Justin Beiber concert. The College Guy is on a one-way first name basis with big names in college coaching "ya bro that's how Urban runs the shovel pass". Paradoxically, the college guy is quick the criticize the decisions of other college football coaches that don't fall into his holy grail. "man i don't know what that d!ckhead at Utah State is doing, that guy is clueless"
The Whipped Guy
nowearmi the pantsimi
- The Whipped guy loves to coach high school football, but his love for the profession does not compare with his fear of the thorough butt chewing he's going to get if he's not home to cook dinner and perform his foot rub duties. The mortal enemy of the whipped guy is the dreaded "meeting". The whipped guy will attempt to defeat the "meeting" by looking at his watch every few seconds and punctuating the maneuver with a resigned sigh. The whipped guy is evangelical in his furor to bring other onto his side of things "say man why do we have to meet for so long, can't we just run the same plays we did last week, i mean jeepers!"
if you've made it this far, and you find this list offensive, you likely fall into the most treasured category....
The Guy Who Takes Himself Way too Seriously
Ultimatus Leaderus
- TGWTHWTS prides himself on having read only one book in his life; the bible, (which to him means Nick Saban's "how good do you want to be" ) TGWTHWTS is not a mere football coach, but a leader of men in the same ilk as Roosevelt, Churchill, Wellington, Eisenhower and the other Roosevelt. The fact that these men changed nations and cultures, while the TGWTHWTS dresses up young people in plastic and has them slam into each other for the purposes of entertainment, is lost on this species. TGWTHWTS will mention the time his first child was born and he didn't make it to the hospital because it was spring install for the JV quick passing game, he is not embarrassed by this, but rather wears it (and other completely irrational decisions) as a badge of honor. To TGWTHWTS there are two kinds of men in this world, those who are good high school football players and will invariably become presidents, spiritual leaders, and captains of industry, and those who are not good high school football players whose path will lead them to hippieism, meth smoking, living in gutters, and homosexuality. This is the most pitiful of creatures, for he has tied his entire sense of self worth into the outcomes of contests played by teenagers. TGWTHWTS will chew out any player at any time and will not shy away from destroying the self respect of young people who have made the mistake of looking up to him by calling them "gutless cowards" for minor infractions. It is his way or the highway, and because of him and those like him, young people are choosing the highway in droves.
