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Post by s73 on May 1, 2014 21:18:16 GMT -6
How about the "I'm going to make it way more complicated than it needs to be guy".
This guy pours through the playbook and then comes up w/ something to add that makes things way more difficult for kids to learn yet adds absolutely no tactical advantage.
An example might be you have packaged passing concepts that have names and the kids already know all of the names and what they mean and what their route is based on the name. But IGTMIWMCTINTB guy says let's build a route tree so we can add numbers to the routes that the kids already know by name so they have to learn a name and a number for the same route.
Love this guy.
PS - Tips on spotting this guy: He's usually a 3-4 year guy who is starting to come out of his shell and "wants more responsibility" so he can "put his stamp" on the program.
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Post by 19delta on May 2, 2014 4:09:42 GMT -6
How about the "I'm going to make it way more complicated than it needs to be guy". This guy pours through the playbook and then comes up w/ something to add that makes things way more difficult for kids to learn yet adds absolutely no tactical advantage. An example might be you have packaged passing concepts that have names and the kids already know all of the names and what they mean and what their route is based on the name. But IGTMIWMCTINTB guy says let's build a route tree so we can add numbers to the routes that the kids already know by name so they have to learn a name and a number for the same route. Love this guy. PS - Tips on spotting this guy: He's usually a 3-4 year guy who is starting to come out of his shell and "wants more responsibility" so he can "put his stamp" on the program. Guilty as charged...that was me circa 2004!
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Post by 19delta on May 2, 2014 4:29:01 GMT -6
The Crazy Guy Loco Sapien The guy that has crazy weekends. And weeknights. You may have been a part of some of the weekends. As you grow and mature, you stay away. He likes telling stories, but your reaction to the tales is somewhere along the lines of WTF?!?! The stories are not of glory days, or of old WWII tales but of his beaver trapping, pig farm, the time his ex-wife tried to kill him, the moonshine that he is distilling in his parents backyard, his bee keeping enterprise, or the troll he woke up next to. A sub-species of this coach is Hobby Sapien. This is the guy who takes the boat out on the river every weekend during the summer and can't attend any 7 on 7s as a result. He also takes 2-3 big fishing trips so he's not available to work any camps. Supervising the weightroom is out of the question because that would interfere with the 72 rounds of golf he plays every week and the 2 beer-league softball teams on which he is both star shortstop and head coach. And you can just forget Saturday morning film sessions in the fall because he will be deer hunting or running the deck-building business he has on the side. Hobby Sapien does have a redeeming quality, however. He usually has the best set of power tools of anyone on the staff, is mechanically proficient, and can be counted on to either fix broken equipment or fabricate a replacement.
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Post by pvogel on May 2, 2014 4:49:30 GMT -6
A sub-species of this coach is Hobby Sapien. This is the guy who takes the boat out on the river every weekend during the summer and can't attend any 7 on 7s as a result. He also takes 2-3 big fishing trips so he's not available to work any camps. Supervising the weightroom is out of the question because that would interfere with the 72 rounds of golf he plays every week and the 2 beer-league softball teams on which he is both star shortstop and head coach. And you can just forget Saturday morning film sessions in the fall because he will be deer hunting or running the deck-building business he has on the side. Hobby Sapien does have a redeeming quality, however. He usually has the best set of power tools of anyone on the staff, is mechanically proficient, and can be counted on to either fix broken equipment or fabricate a replacement. Haha! I havent coached with this species. Sounds like a big deal to you personally though... haha
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Post by pvogel on May 2, 2014 4:49:49 GMT -6
A sub-species of this coach is Hobby Sapien. This is the guy who takes the boat out on the river every weekend during the summer and can't attend any 7 on 7s as a result. He also takes 2-3 big fishing trips so he's not available to work any camps. Supervising the weightroom is out of the question because that would interfere with the 72 rounds of golf he plays every week and the 2 beer-league softball teams on which he is both star shortstop and head coach. And you can just forget Saturday morning film sessions in the fall because he will be deer hunting or running the deck-building business he has on the side. Hobby Sapien does have a redeeming quality, however. He usually has the best set of power tools of anyone on the staff, is mechanically proficient, and can be counted on to either fix broken equipment or fabricate a replacement. Haha! I havent coached with this species. Sounds like a big deal to you personally though... haha
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Post by coachphillip on May 2, 2014 8:57:35 GMT -6
How about the Sadist Andillius Maxicorum? He is more commonly known as The Torturer. He can most commonly be found in the back of a group workout talking with other coaches about how he "had to push trucks seven miles barefoot back in the day" and how "kids are soft nowadays." This particular species doesn't believe in coaching kids to play football so much as he believes in self betterment through pain. The more something hurts, the better you become as a result of it. He's constantly complaining about water breaks and requests extending "hell week". The Torturer is of absolutely zero use during actual football practice. Sure, he could run drills, but he always seems to have an unusual number of injured-in-practice players in his position groups. His time to shine is conditioning at the end of practice, when he gets to "toughen kids up" by constantly shouting about things in a possessive manner (I.e. "Don't puke on MY field!" "Don't drag a$$ on MY sled!" "Don't get blood on MY uniform!"). He is always the first to remind everyone that "pain is weakness leaving the body!"
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brcoach
Probationary Member
Posts: 14
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Post by brcoach on May 2, 2014 9:13:33 GMT -6
Hobby Sapien does have a redeeming quality, however. He usually has the best set of power tools of anyone on the staff, is mechanically proficient, and can be counted on to either fix broken equipment or fabricate a replacement. I worked with a guy like that. He would sometimes come to school with his boat attached to his truck.
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Post by fballcoachg on May 2, 2014 9:42:40 GMT -6
I'm still tripping over the Ladybugs reference in the original, digging deep there haha.
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Post by fantom on May 2, 2014 10:16:07 GMT -6
Reading this thread reminds me of another guy:
OCD Guy- Obsessed with creating order, as he perceives it, in every facet of his life. Left alone in the office he will place every loose paper into neat stacks, line up dry-erase markers by size and color, clean the dry-erase board, empty the trash can if it has even one gum wrapper it it, and make sure that the toilet paper rolls off the dispenser in the correct direction. Any talk about altering the practice or pregame routine gives him a noticeable facial tic. Frequently stays up late at night making lists in which he places every person, place, and thing in his life into clearly defined classifications. Every official document that he's ever received has been neatly filed, including pink slips from when he was fired after driving his boss and coworkers nuts.
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Post by 19delta on May 2, 2014 10:20:12 GMT -6
How about the Sadist Andillius Maxicorum? He is more commonly known as The Torturer. He can most commonly be found in the back of a group workout talking with other coaches about how he "had to push trucks seven miles barefoot back in the day" and how "kids are soft nowadays." This particular species doesn't believe in coaching kids to play football so much as he believes in self betterment through pain. The more something hurts, the better you become as a result of it. He's constantly complaining about water breaks and requests extending "hell week". The Torturer is of absolutely zero use during actual football practice. Sure, he could run drills, but he always seems to have an unusual number of injured-in-practice players in his position groups. His time to shine is conditioning at the end of practice, when he gets to "toughen kids up" by constantly shouting about things in a possessive manner (I.e. "Don't puke on MY field!" "Don't drag a$$ on MY sled!" "Don't get blood on MY uniform!"). He is always the first to remind everyone that "pain is weakness leaving the body!" ...also known as the "If It Ain't Rainin', We Ain't Trainin' " guy or "The Drill Sergeant". This is the guy who believes personal improvement is meaningless without physical pain and general human misery.
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Post by georgefred86 on May 2, 2014 10:57:37 GMT -6
Love this thread, funny stuff... what about ... Coach Shorts and Polo No Matter That It Is Friggin' 20 Below Guy! And this somehow sends the message to the kids that it is really not that cold if I am in my shorts and my polo GOL' DANGIT! He certainly has to be closely related Loco Sapien.
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Post by 19delta on May 2, 2014 11:10:22 GMT -6
Love this thread, funny stuff... what about ... Coach Shorts and Polo No Matter That It Is Friggin' 20 Below Guy! And this somehow sends the message to the kids that it is really not that cold if I am in my shorts and my polo GOL' DANGIT! He certainly has to be closely related Loco Sapien. Sometimes, Shorts and Polo No Matter What Guy can be a contradiction. When it gets REALLY cold, he will often wear a hoodie (or even a coat), a ski hat, and gloves up top but will stay true to his roots by keeping the shorts down below. That's a great look...
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Post by larrymoe on May 2, 2014 11:17:52 GMT -6
Love this thread, funny stuff... what about ... Coach Shorts and Polo No Matter That It Is Friggin' 20 Below Guy! And this somehow sends the message to the kids that it is really not that cold if I am in my shorts and my polo GOL' DANGIT! He certainly has to be closely related Loco Sapien. Guilty as charged, but not because I want to make the kids feel guilty, but out of superstition. Damn it, we're 27-3 since I started wearing exactly the same outfit. I'M NOT CHANGING IT!!!
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Post by cnunley on May 2, 2014 11:18:35 GMT -6
This may be one of the best threads I've read on here.
One post is hilarious followed shortly by a post that hits very close to home.
Pretty sure I'm a mix of about 4 of all the previously mentioned.
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Post by larrymoe on May 2, 2014 11:19:03 GMT -6
How about the Sadist Andillius Maxicorum? He is more commonly known as The Torturer. He can most commonly be found in the back of a group workout talking with other coaches about how he "had to push trucks seven miles barefoot back in the day" and how "kids are soft nowadays." This particular species doesn't believe in coaching kids to play football so much as he believes in self betterment through pain. The more something hurts, the better you become as a result of it. He's constantly complaining about water breaks and requests extending "hell week". The Torturer is of absolutely zero use during actual football practice. Sure, he could run drills, but he always seems to have an unusual number of injured-in-practice players in his position groups. His time to shine is conditioning at the end of practice, when he gets to "toughen kids up" by constantly shouting about things in a possessive manner (I.e. "Don't puke on MY field!" "Don't drag a$$ on MY sled!" "Don't get blood on MY uniform!"). He is always the first to remind everyone that "pain is weakness leaving the body!" My Old Guy/Dry Erase Board Guy also fits into this category. Never here for a single weight room session and misses 1/5th of practices, but God damn it, when he is here it's HIS!
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Post by pvogel on May 2, 2014 11:32:57 GMT -6
I ALWAYS wear pants for games. Something I picked up from my first Head Coach. It just seems right to me. Feels more official and more professional in my opinion.
I get crazy looks. I've coached in triple digits in khakis. Its just what I do. It would feel weird to coach in shorts.
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Post by pvogel on May 2, 2014 11:42:43 GMT -6
I just reminded myself of another stereotype and prejudice that I have. Fortunately, I haven't worked with one of these but I see some at clinics or on tv or and I make generalizations about the content of their character. I might be jumping to conclusions, but whatever.
The Country Club Coach
Golfis Toomuchicus
This is the coach that always looks as if he just came from a country club. Triple pleats. Concho belt. Sweater and/or sweater vest. And the piece de resistance - the visor. Because he wants the practicality of a hat, but without hiding his luscious locks. He believes the visor is one of the greatest inventions in world history. Combines practicality with sexuality. Kind of like his BMW 3 series convertible. Which he lets everyone know he drives. Bonus points if he uses hair gel. He is tan. It might be fake. He is so comfortable with his metrosexuality that he isn't even aware that he is a metro-sexual. Loves talking about hot moms and how well he shot this weekend. Does that stupid fake putt into an imaginary hole in the coach's office. Loves to talk about his connections. Who he is related to, who he golfs with, and who's wife he slept with most recently (alledgedly).
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Post by coachphillip on May 2, 2014 11:51:20 GMT -6
I was going to post about the Pretty Boy which is similar to this. My buddy is one for sure. He shows up to practice one day with a button up shirt, slacks, boat shoes, and tortoise tone Ray Bans. Despicable behavior, if you ask me. But, I do own a sleeveless hoodie and look like a homeless guy. I don't have room to talk.
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Post by pvogel on May 2, 2014 11:56:41 GMT -6
Forgot to add the bluetooth. Always gotta have the bluetooth. Even at gear pickup at 5 in the morning. Slick shades that make you look like youre in havana are a must as well for the golf coach.
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Post by coachtaps on May 2, 2014 12:05:25 GMT -6
The Crazy Guy Loco Sapien The guy that has crazy weekends. And weeknights. You may have been a part of some of the weekends. As you grow and mature, you stay away. He likes telling stories, but your reaction to the tales is somewhere along the lines of WTF?!?! The stories are not of glory days, or of old WWII tales but of his beaver trapping, pig farm, the time his ex-wife tried to kill him, the moonshine that he is distilling in his parents backyard, his bee keeping enterprise, or the troll he woke up next to. This is me... minus the moonshine...
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Post by larrymoe on May 2, 2014 14:04:56 GMT -6
I ALWAYS wear pants for games. Something I picked up from my first Head Coach. It just seems right to me. Feels more official and more professional in my opinion. I get crazy looks. I've coached in triple digits in khakis. Its just what I do. It would feel weird to coach in shorts. Meh. God bless ya. I've always went by the words of a former principal I had- You can get the respect of kids in sweatpants and a cut off tee if you know how to get the respect of kids. I figure I dress for comfort. Most people don't realize (and I don't care if they do) that I'm the HC.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2014 18:51:59 GMT -6
Sometimes, Shorts and Polo No Matter What Guy can be a contradiction. When it gets REALLY cold, he will often wear a hoodie (or even a coat), a ski hat, and gloves up top but will stay true to his roots by keeping the shorts down below. That's a great look... He's always in shorts and a polo unless it's 95 degrees outside, then he's in a Sauna suit. Ever coached with a guy (usually the Oline coach) who's always wearing something long sleeved in the heat of summer sweating himself to death? FML. I'm an Oline coach at heart and this is me. I went two whole years, every day of summer workouts in a hoody. Glad I got that off my chest
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Post by airraider on May 3, 2014 9:45:10 GMT -6
tThe Hudl Guru Guy nerdimus ultimus Fueled by red bull, and a second tab opened to red tube, the Hudl guru guy spends countless hours formulating 50 page scouting reports that no one reads besides himself. He exports data to excel, correlating and regressing all variables, looking for that one piece of data that will allow him to make that perfect defensive call at the critical moment, only to have blown by the sophomore corner who thought that he was in cover 2 instead of cover 3. He will say things like," watch for that post wheel here, they ran it once in this situation in 2006." Thanks for the intro to redtube!
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Post by davishfc on May 3, 2014 9:51:56 GMT -6
fshamrock,
Top marks on the coaching species analysis. Very entertaining.
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Post by wingtol on May 3, 2014 12:25:54 GMT -6
Coachspeakus arrogantous:
The guy who is always "on" no matter where you see him it's all coach speak all the time. "Congrats on having your second kid now it's back to man to man and no more zone coverage in your house" He's got all the latest and best coach speak out there and isn't afraid to use it...
"So when we get a double dog blood stinger look over the emlos that te has to make a momo call to the tackle and then the tackle is gonna triple piviot double under to get vertical and horizontal movement while the te use a tunnel technique bucket release hitting it thick then the fb is gonna rip dip under triple lindie on the new emlos" "So the te blocks out, the tackle doubles with the guard and the fb kicks out the guy over the te?" "Yes just like Nick does at 'Bama, you know Nick....Saban..."
And if you think the coaches have no idea what he is saying it's always great to see how the kids have no idea on the field.
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Post by indian1 on May 3, 2014 20:20:19 GMT -6
Wingtol, good one. I especially like the Back to School reference
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souza12
Sophomore Member
Posts: 179
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Post by souza12 on May 4, 2014 10:51:07 GMT -6
Gossipus Maximus
Spends the first 40 minutes of every meeting talking about the latest gossip on other local staffs
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Post by larrymoe on May 4, 2014 18:06:56 GMT -6
Coachspeakus arrogantous: The guy who is always "on" no matter where you see him it's all coach speak all the time. He's got all the latest and best coach speak out there and isn't afraid to use it... "So when we get a double dog blood stinger look over the emlos that te has to make a momo call to the tackle and then the tackle is gonna triple piviot double under to get vertical and horizontal movement while the te use a tunnel technique bucket release hitting it thick then the fb is gonna rip dip under triple lindie on the new emlos" "So the te blocks out, the tackle doubles with the guard and the fb kicks out the guy over the te?" "Yes just like Nick does at 'Bama, you know Nick....Saban..." And if you think the coaches have no idea what he is saying it's always great to see how the kids have no idea on the field. I love these guys at clinics. As soon as someone starts laying in thick into the coachspeak crap I usually walk out of the room.
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Post by fballcoachg on May 4, 2014 20:22:00 GMT -6
Coachspeakus arrogantous: The guy who is always "on" no matter where you see him it's all coach speak all the time. He's got all the latest and best coach speak out there and isn't afraid to use it... "So when we get a double dog blood stinger look over the emlos that te has to make a momo call to the tackle and then the tackle is gonna triple piviot double under to get vertical and horizontal movement while the te use a tunnel technique bucket release hitting it thick then the fb is gonna rip dip under triple lindie on the new emlos" "So the te blocks out, the tackle doubles with the guard and the fb kicks out the guy over the te?" "Yes just like Nick does at 'Bama, you know Nick....Saban..." And if you think the coaches have no idea what he is saying it's always great to see how the kids have no idea on the field. I love these guys at clinics. As soon as someone starts laying in thick into the coachspeak crap I usually walk out of the room. I'm a huge fan of the first name drop, like they are boys that go way back. Worked with a guy like that and it was his way of "validating" his knowledge, asserting himself over others in football conversations...really just turned in to another point of ribbing him in the coaches office. He was also the dude that would get sold on something different for every single clinic we went to as long as the person putting it forward had a name.
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Post by tog on May 5, 2014 6:40:56 GMT -6
Having been in profession a while now, and been a part of more than a few different staffs, I feel that I have a firm grasp on the high school football coach as a species, the following is my attempt to classify this creature into its various archetypes. I hope that my rigorous evaluation meets with your approval, feel free to add as you see fit, this is more a living, breathing document than anything set in stone The AthleteGlorydaysicus Goneimus- the athlete is typically found in his natural habitat (his hometown), the athlete shows and inclination towards rehashing the same tired stories about his game winning catch against Washington in '02, and even more often the fact that he took twins to the prom. When you need somebody to demonstrate a route, nobody is better, but if the QB doesn't hit him on target, there will be a butt chewing "dang son..put it anywhere near me and I'm gonna snag that hoe". The athlete carries some serious baggage about his playing career, which was cut short due to injuries/coach didn't like him/politics (damn democrats) or a combination of the three, depending on what week you ask him. The Weight Room GuyTrapezius Maximus- If you feel that the weight room is a useful tool toward your overall goals of building a better team, The Weight Room Guy wants you to know that you sir are dead wrong. To the Weight Room Guy, the lifting of heavy objects from the floor isn't just about sport, it's about sticking it to everybody who ever made fun of his shoes on the school bus. Often found grunting unintelligibly, The Weight Room guy is best left alone when "working to hit a PR". If you need someone to demonstrate power clean to the players, this is your guy, but only after he throws another 45 or two on bar. The Weight Room Guy is at his most dangerous when teenagers do not squat to the holy grail of parallel. While you might think of this is a minor technique error that warrants correction, to the weight room guy it is comparable to a Muslim watching someone pee on the Koran The Dry Erase Board Guycircleus perfectimus -woe unto any poor soul attempting draw even the most rudimentary of plays on a dry erase board in this man's presence. Any and all questions regarding a play or scheme will result in a doctorate level dissertation. Want to know how the '89 dolphins ran that double reverse play against the Bengals? The Dry Erase Board guy knows, and even if he doesn't know, he will make something up and draw it, because it is critical to the Dry Erase Board guy that everybody understands that he is the authority on all manners football. Classic Dry Erase Board Guy behavior is to finish the drawing of play with an abrupt slamming down of the dry erase marker, in his language, this message reads: "further discussion is futile, the dry erase board guy has spoken" The Speech Guy Lombardicus Worshipus
- Have you seen "Any Given Sunday"? The speech guy has, this morning, and yesterday morning, and the morning before that. The speech guys is known to scour youtube looking for nuggets, any slight cue that might take a mundane speech to the next level of absolute face melting awesomeness that is worth a minimum of 21 points on the field of play (note: to the speech guy, it is the field of battle) When the speech guy is at his best, he will manage to combine elements of Rudy, Patton, Mighty Ducks, Air bud, Air bud strikes back, and Ladybugs into one tirade laden diatribe that will build to an ultimate crescendo. The Speech Guy is the master of the dramatic pause in which he takes an agonizing 47 seconds to look into the eyes of every gathered player, and then whips the players into a frenzy with a dramatic "now let's go get 'em"!!!!!!! The Old Guy leatheritus helmetus
- Among his many peculiar habits, the old guy will pour himself a hot cup of black coffee immediately following a practice in the 120 degree heat. Never far from his package of Redman, the old guy has seen it all more than once, and never fails to mention this at every opportunity. The Old Guy is a great resource, but when asking the old guy a question, you'll need to sort through a long and winding road of storytelling that will mention WW2, Steroids, Bike coaching Shorts, smoking cigarettes in the press box, and wild clinic nights with prostitutes. At times, the old guy will make comments that appear whimsical but might actually be extremely racist and make everybody uncomfortable. The College Guy -NCAAimus Dynastymodi
- The college guy is an acolyte in the first holy church of spurrier, saban, and meyer. When attending a clinic, be wary of bringing the college guy anywhere near a marquee speaker from a major program, unless you want to see an unholy display of screaming and frothing at the mouth reminiscent teen girls at a Justin Beiber concert. The College Guy is on a one-way first name basis with big names in college coaching "ya bro that's how Urban runs the shovel pass". Paradoxically, the college guy is quick the criticize the decisions of other college football coaches that don't fall into his holy grail. "man i don't know what that d!ckhead at Utah State is doing, that guy is clueless" The Whipped Guy nowearmi the pantsimi
- The Whipped guy loves to coach high school football, but his love for the profession does not compare with his fear of the thorough butt chewing he's going to get if he's not home to cook dinner and perform his foot rub duties. The mortal enemy of the whipped guy is the dreaded "meeting". The whipped guy will attempt to defeat the "meeting" by looking at his watch every few seconds and punctuating the maneuver with a resigned sigh. The whipped guy is evangelical in his furor to bring other onto his side of things "say man why do we have to meet for so long, can't we just run the same plays we did last week, i mean jeepers!" if you've made it this far, and you find this list offensive, you likely fall into the most treasured category....
The Guy Who Takes Himself Way too Seriously
Ultimatus Leaderus
- TGWTHWTS prides himself on having read only one book in his life; the bible, (which to him means Nick Saban's "how good do you want to be" ) TGWTHWTS is not a mere football coach, but a leader of men in the same ilk as Roosevelt, Churchill, Wellington, Eisenhower and the other Roosevelt. The fact that these men changed nations and cultures, while the TGWTHWTS dresses up young people in plastic and has them slam into each other for the purposes of entertainment, is lost on this species. TGWTHWTS will mention the time his first child was born and he didn't make it to the hospital because it was spring install for the JV quick passing game, he is not embarrassed by this, but rather wears it (and other completely irrational decisions) as a badge of honor. To TGWTHWTS there are two kinds of men in this world, those who are good high school football players and will invariably become presidents, spiritual leaders, and captains of industry, and those who are not good high school football players whose path will lead them to hippieism, meth smoking, living in gutters, and homosexuality. This is the most pitiful of creatures, for he has tied his entire sense of self worth into the outcomes of contests played by teenagers. TGWTHWTS will chew out any player at any time and will not shy away from destroying the self respect of young people who have made the mistake of looking up to him by calling them "gutless cowards" for minor infractions. It is his way or the highway, and because of him and those like him, young people are choosing the highway in droves. we play this game at track meets in the spring, we have a few more categories, but you nailed the base ones.
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