Funniest thing a COACH has said

Check this kid out...he may not be big, but he's slow.

Was running a hoop drill but all my DLs kept going wide at the end and running outside of me, at which point I blurted out, "Gentleman, come inside me!"

That drew a few laughs

Veteran OL coach to a lineman whose pants were not covering certain areas when he got in a stance "you better pull up your pants or someone is gonna put a quarter in there and try and pull your lever."

One week before a big playoff game the HC said to the guys "boys you should be so excited for this game that you should have a 12 inch rod of steel just thinking about it"

Getting off the bus on game day one of the seniors yells out "hey coach are we gonna have a rod check before we get off the bus"....

As a teacher now looking back there is no way I could say stuff like that now hilarious as it was and still is.

I've never heard a coach say most of those things, but I'm pretty my Dad has said them.

previous HC i worked for for the last 4 years. When calling the team up from practice to take a knee around him at the end of the day.

Every single time he called the team together he said,

"Everybody come on me"

Houston Oilers Head Coach Bill Peterson
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown."

1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
- John McKay, USC

"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
- Bob Devaney, Nebraska

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay, USC

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne, Notre Dame.

Reporter: Coach, how do you feel about your team's execution?

John McKay: I'm in favor of it

holy smokes ive got a good amount.

i do see a lot of a-hole ones though so i'll contribute there.

when i was playing, we broke a big play in practice and our OC yells with exuberance "Yes! I Love Bigass Holes!!" naturally, it sounded like big {censored}. We really ran with that for quite awhile though and it kinda became an unofficial slogan.

Mine might be more said than funny. It was our first year at a school, entirely new staff. We're doing our pregame talks before our first game. The DC goes through his defensive reminders and checks, and then he goes full on Dan Devine from "Rudy:"

"Nobody and I mean nobody, comes into our house and pushes us around."

Me and one of the other assistant coaches had to duck out the back door of the field house before we broke out in laughter.

Forgot about these. Our head coach, who is pretty well known, was speaking to our players about doing the right thing in life. Was a pretty good talk until he got onto the topic of treatin women with respect. Some how it took a turn into Adam Eve and temptation and he says and I quote: "MEN, WOMEN WANT YOU TO EAT THEIR FORBIDDEN FRUIT!!!!" We lost it. Still has not lived that one down.

Same HC during film review was critiquing our effort on cut blocking in quick game. "Guys, I want you to put your face in their Balls."

There was an old freshman coach at my school. I never played under him, but he coached for one year and he will forever be remembered by everyone for this...

He's giving a pregame speech and he says..."When I step on the field, under the lights and smell the freshly cut gras...I pop a b0ner."

How'd the game go?

It`s a team of 10-11 yr olds, grade 5-6. They had just had the big year-end sex-ed marathon session (It seems teachers hat teaching, students hate learning it, so they do it in 3 straight days in mid-june to get it over with and flush all the information as fast as possible). My two middle linebackers are these dominant hitters, just real natural hitters, so much so that I wouldn`t let them tackle each other in practice because the collisions were so violent and I couldn`t lose one of the 4 solid tacklers on the team.

One detail. Will is a girl. Will is Sam`s girlfriend.

QB rolls out to pass in scrimmage one day, Will comes around the edge and absolutely destroys the QB from the blindside like you only see in the movies. Perfect shoulder-into-upper-butt hit, arms deathgripped around the thighs, back arching, arms flying backwards, ball goes god-knows-where, faceplant into the ground and he has to pry his facemask out of the dirt because it got stuck.

The other coach calls over Sam and says `so, you know that, when your girlfriend says no, it means no, right.`

Practice had to be stopped for a few minutes.

***

Halftime, and we`re beating ourselves against a weaker team. The lockerroom is silent. A coach comes in and twists his neck. It makes a gruesome popping sound audible throughout the room. He captions the image: `That, gentlemen, was the sound of our heads coming out of our asses.` We rallied and won.

My current Fr Coach favorite saying right now is boys when you are with a women "No" means "No", "Maybe" means "No" and most importantly "yes" means "No"

Had a JV coach several years back say this to an official. Game was a blowout and we were up by a ton, the official was having a rough time out of boredom as everyone else was as well just a real mismatch of a JV game everyone trying to keep things clean and without embarrassing anyone, after about the fourth TD was called back my JV coach becomes irritated, we score on a long run and it is called back again, my JV coach yells to his side judge who threw the flags "I hope someone is at your home doing to your wife what you are doing to us right now" I'm in the press box drop my head phones run to the field fearing the worse, I get down there and they have their arm around each others shoulders, my JV coach turns out was an old college buddy with the official.

Varsity game heck of a wind storm, our DC is our kicking coach real intense guy, Kicker can't get the ball through the goal posts in pre-game he looks down picks up a rock throws it up in the air then it hits the ground, then Coach says loudly "No wind, I don't know what your problem is"