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Post by cqmiller on Jul 9, 2010 7:15:14 GMT -6
After correcting the same mistake over and over again...
"Son, you are a load your mama shoulda swallowed!"
By far the funniest thing I've ever heard come out of a coaches mouth at practice.
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Post by wingt74 on Jul 9, 2010 8:15:51 GMT -6
After correcting the same mistake over and over again... "Son, you are a load your mama shoulda swallowed!" By far the funniest thing I've ever heard come out of a coaches mouth at practice. wow, so wrong on so many levels...and quite funny
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Post by coachorr on Jul 9, 2010 17:48:13 GMT -6
"Oline coaches are like mushrooms, we are left in the dark and fed shyt".
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Post by coachorr on Jul 9, 2010 18:04:59 GMT -6
"Men, I knew I was getting old when I started checking out your moms".
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Post by brophy on Jul 9, 2010 18:49:49 GMT -6
One of our slappy coaches (routinely late to practice....though he doesn't teach a class at the bldg / often skips practices.....MIA in the off-season) got into an argument with my (former) header this week. This asst coach is the same coach that suggested running veer out of empty last year
The guy says, "you know, I am not the worst coach. I am in just like Brophy. He can't be there in the summer."
I am a non-faculty coach, but when I was coaching I didn't miss anything the entire year, even weights....
Point is, I resigned 11 weeks ago.
This coach was comparing himself and his contributions with someone who isn't even on staff......(Classic)
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Post by 19delta on Jul 9, 2010 22:20:32 GMT -6
One of our slappy coaches (routinely late to practice....though he doesn't teach a class at the bldg / often skips practices.....MIA in the off-season) got into an argument with my (former) header this week. This asst coach is the same coach that suggested running veer out of empty last year The guy says, "you know, I am not the worst coach. I am in just like Brophy. He can't be there in the summer." I am a non-faculty coach, but when I was coaching I didn't miss anything the entire year, even weights.... Point is, I resigned 11 weeks ago. This coach was comparing himself and his contributions with someone who isn't even on staff......(Classic) If we were having a contest, I think this would be the winner! ;D
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Post by 3rdandlong on Jul 10, 2010 1:40:09 GMT -6
Middle of a film session coach is frustrated about linebackers not blitzing aggressively:
"You gotta come hard!!! You're not coming hard enough!!! You need to come hard and blow him up!!! If you're not gonna come hard you can't be one of my guys!!!"
He didn't quite recognize the humor and thank God the kids didn't either.
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Post by coachorr on Jul 10, 2010 3:27:12 GMT -6
"I don't talk to hurt guys."
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Post by eickst on Jul 10, 2010 8:03:33 GMT -6
HC from a few years back, addressing a group of players while trying to install a play-
"Come on, it ain't Rocket Surgery......"
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Post by blb on Jul 10, 2010 8:43:45 GMT -6
The Master of Malaprop, Bill Peterson, who coached Florida State, Rice, and Houston Oilers, leading team in pre-game prayer:
"Now I lay me down to sleep..."
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Post by wingtol on Jul 10, 2010 11:09:21 GMT -6
We had a guy coaching with us who was considered one of the best OL coaches at any level, how he came to coach with us is another story. Anyways he would have intimidated Bear Bryant and Woody Hayes with his demeanor, so we are sitting there watching film of one of our games and I am in my first year coaching varsity wr’s.
One of the wr’s blows an assignment so he asks me what I said to the wr after the play. I said “ I told him he was wrong and not to do that again” now mind you I was ready to crap my pants at this moment because he was calling me out in the coaches mtg and know it’s a crap answer.
He says “Oh that’s good” I think great he liked what I said. He then screamed at me “THEY TOLD HITLER HE WAS WRONG AND NOT TO BOMB ENGLAND BUT HE STILL DID YOU A-HOLE!”
10 years later and guys from that staff still laugh so hard they are in tears when we tell that story after a few beers.
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Post by coachdbucs on Jul 10, 2010 13:15:13 GMT -6
One of the head coaches at our school many years ago had a tradition of praying on the bus before leaving for home after an away game. The team had really stunk it up and they got on the bus to leave, the coach told the bus driver to close the doors and go. One of the kids asked "coach, are we goin to pray?" Coach said, "bow your heads. Dear God, please keep us safe on our travel home and please help these son of bit---, stay quiet on the way home so I won't have to kill any of them."
Another head coach a few years later, we did not have a lot of talent. MLB was about 5'6" tall had a pass go over his head and jumped to make a play. When he came off the field coach tells the kid "son, if you were 2 inches taller you would have made that play."
Same coach in another game against a big rival. They are killing us. They have an all--state RB who has about 125 yds rushing at half time. In his half time speech he say, "hell, we got right where we want 'em guys". Kids and coaches are staring at him wide eyed. "We have got 'em right where we want 'em, they are tired and worn down and their RB won't be able to go the second half." Needless to say they weren't too tired to keep kicking our but.
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Post by hchscoachtom on Jul 10, 2010 13:36:36 GMT -6
I was encouraging our FLANKER on a crack back block on the OLB to hit him aggressively. I wanted him to JACK him. Instead it came out "You've got to Jack Off on him". Upon which the kid looks at me disgustedly and says "Coach . . . "
Needless to say it was one of those moments where I felt like I needed to get away.
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Post by bobgoodman on Jul 10, 2010 18:48:47 GMT -6
Nope...he goes right for "the biggest d1ck". You left out the part about his daughter's being there.
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Post by packattack on Jul 10, 2010 20:45:46 GMT -6
"Son, I've seen four orgies and three world's fairs and never seen something as bad as You!!" Old school coach who used it at every opportunity. He would also use, "Son, your so damn sorry, You must have thought like Lit; thought he farted, but he sh*t!"
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Post by 19delta on Jul 10, 2010 22:15:06 GMT -6
Nope...he goes right for "the biggest d1ck". You left out the part about his daughter's being there. Well...wasn't the HC's daughter, but yeah...one of the assistant coach's daughters was there. I think she was in 7th grade at the time. Very educational!
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Post by fatkicker on Jul 10, 2010 23:57:47 GMT -6
My high school coach... Ex-marine, bout 65 years old, never smiled unless we were up 4 touchdowns... Getting ready for another hot day...he calls us up for the usual speech or so we thought... "Men, don't worry about me if I sprint to the gym. I had tacos in the cafeteria and just took a slam. It felt like a covey of quail coming out of my @ss!". Anybody ever been too scared to laugh?
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Post by 19delta on Jul 11, 2010 7:49:18 GMT -6
Here's one on me...
I was working at my first gig...coaching o-line. I had just got out of the Army so my language was still a little salty. Anyway, I'm trying to explain 1/2 slide protection versus an odd front to my linemen and obviously wasn't doing a very good job given the looks of confusion on the kids' faces. So, feeling frustrated, I said to the kids, "Don't look at me like I have a d1ck growing out of my forehead."
The kids thought it was pretty funny and the line had been handed down to the incoming freshmen to the point that when I left that job about 6 years later, my linemen gave me a list of the one-liners I had used over the years. The "d1ck growing out of my forehead" was #1 on the list.
I still have the list and go through it every once in a while to give myself a chuckle. The things that kids choose to remember can be pretty funny.
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Post by wingt74 on Jul 11, 2010 13:13:58 GMT -6
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Post by phantom on Jul 11, 2010 13:20:11 GMT -6
How exactly does this fit into the thread?
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Post by tothehouse on Jul 11, 2010 14:00:47 GMT -6
Yesterday, we have a team at our camp that has deaf kids and coaches.
I ask the HC why the deaf school didn't participate in the night time scrimmage.
He says, "Well. They had a dicipline problem". There was a medium pause. "They weren't listening."
Now, this school and these players were great at camp. Very educational for our players to see this school do what they do on the football field.
But the dramatic pause....and then the line was funny. And in reality.....our HC might have not been joking!
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Post by phantom on Jul 11, 2010 14:16:48 GMT -6
Yesterday, we have a team at our camp that has deaf kids and coaches. I ask the HC why the deaf school didn't participate in the night time scrimmage. He says, "Well. They had a dicipline problem". There was a medium pause. "They weren't listening." Now, this school and these players were great at camp. Very educational for our players to see this school do what they do on the football field. But the dramatic pause....and then the line was funny. And in reality.....our HC might have not been joking! That reminds me of a clinic that I attended. There were several coaches there from Gallaudet, a school for the deaf, and they had interpreters translating the speakers. Now, they're interpreters, not just signing, so they're giving body language and facial expressions. It was fascinating to watched but turned hilarious when a speaker told a dirty joke.
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Post by lcrusaders on Jul 11, 2010 16:32:03 GMT -6
How exactly does this fit into the thread? It is pretty funny that a guy who hired Mike Vick to speak to kids is talking about 'integrity and honor'
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cwoo54
Freshmen Member
OH YEAH!
Posts: 59
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Post by cwoo54 on Jul 11, 2010 20:37:27 GMT -6
"You guys run like old people have sex. Slow and uneasy."
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Post by wingt74 on Jul 12, 2010 6:51:47 GMT -6
How exactly does this fit into the thread? It is pretty funny that a guy who hired Mike Vick to speak to kids is talking about 'integrity and honor' exactly
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Post by bluedevil4 on Jul 12, 2010 14:30:00 GMT -6
Just had this happen today at a varsity camp. The OC is giving the O linemen their new line splits. He calls for six inch splits. One player keeps getting it wrong. The OC says..."c'mon, don't you know how long six inches is?" A grin appears on everyone's face..."you haven't developed have you?" he says.
This is gonna be a fun year.
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Post by spartancoach on Jul 12, 2010 14:58:24 GMT -6
During film, DB tips pass; caught for TD.
HC: "There are two things that you shouldn't knock up, one is a football."
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Post by cwlee66 on Jul 12, 2010 17:08:41 GMT -6
HC talking to one of his defensive players:
HC- Smith I just soon have a pile of dog S**t on the field as you!
Smith- Whys that coach?
HC- people go around dog S**t, they just run right over you!
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BulldogOC1362
Freshmen Member
[F4:@BenOsborne4] [F4:@BenOsborne4]
Posts: 35
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Post by BulldogOC1362 on Jul 12, 2010 18:34:43 GMT -6
I coached under a guy who was talking about the other team. "Yeah they've got some big 'ol biscuit eaters on the other side. Another one was about a kid on our team who's nickname was biscuit. He told me "coach if you ever want some time to waste ask biscuit what he had for breakfast" lol.
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Post by lionhart on Jul 12, 2010 18:50:52 GMT -6
im the only caucasian on an otherwise all black staff, and 100% black team. that being said, some of the things said by my HC just make me damn near cry in laughter. example #1.... kid loligags during a pursuit drill. HC goes nuts, yelling etc. he sends them for water. same kid sprints to be the first one at the cooler. HC says " YO my man! you jog through my drills, but put a little water out here and you run to that like a freed slave!" (i know, not exactly PC, but outrageously funny) example #2.... kid is laughing to himself during HC speech after practice.this young man has the darkest complexion on the team. HC says, in a very calm voice..." Son, you need to get up and walk away from me immediately before i beat you light-skinned." example #3..... one of our asst coaches is an older gentlemen, who played in the nfl and is no-nonsense. he often rips into the kids. so one day hes destroying this kid, insulting him every which way you can imagine. our HC walks over and says "Hey, enough of the Fred Sanford routine ok?" then HC looks at me, and im barely hoding back the tears from streaming down my face. he says "Coach, its ok to laugh, that was meant to be funny." and i just started dying.
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