Funniest thing you've heard on the field

This goes back 20ish years ago. I was a freshmen line coach and also taught primarily freshmen English classes. Our freshman QB, who was not a good student at all, really got into Romeo and Juliet of all things. During a 9th-grade game, as he is lining up under center, he points at one of the opposing defensive tackles and says, "Sir, I bite my thumb at you!" Everyone on the field just stood there in shocked silence for a few seconds before he got going with the cadence.

Not on the field, but the funniest thing that's ever happened to me. For background, I was a WR coach and my best player was a 5'6 kid.

Anyway, we're in an install meeting in the summer, and this 6'3 backup is on the whiteboard drawing a play, and he made all the position letters lowercase. Some of the guys start teasing him, and the 5'6 kid speaks up the loudest "yeah, why are you making all lowercase?"

Backup kid asks "why are you a lowercase human?" and I nearly fell over. The room was done for a few minutes.

We have a strength/WRs coach who is larger than life. He crosses lines I'd never dream of sometimes, and no one bats an eye. So one day at practice, a receiver screws up a route and realizes his mistake and goes, "Sorry, Coach." WR coach responds, "Don't say you're sorry, just do it right next time. You can be sorry if you 'date' my daughter." (The language was more colorful than this.) Then, a player on the scout defense replies from 30 yards away, "Sorry, Coach!"

I have written this before, several years ago.

Sometime in the early 2010's we brought in a new offensive coordinator. He was very hearing impaired but got by OK.
We were on defense and he was positioned on the sideline about 15 yards past the LOS, looking into the offensive backfield, watching the play. There was a pass thrown close to him on the sideline, and we had two defenders and receiver go for the ball.
I distinctly remember seeing him get so hard that his heels were pointing upwards, your proverbial "decleater."
He landed on the track several yards away, uninjured.

The defensive spotter up in the press box with me, put his hand over his mike and said: "I guess he didn't hear that one coming."

Coin Toss and ref has his fly down, Senior Qb says to him, You selling Hotdogs? Ref looks and says no why, he goes your flies undone. Out goes the flag and Welp I had to ask him why.

O Line coach, "You gotta stop that 1 tech from penetrating the A Gap!" Substitute O Lineman, "Coach, the dude's moving!"

Our OL coach in high school accidentally said something like “Boys we cant let anyone penetrate the a hole.”

We all giggled. And then he realized why and he was like “gap!!!! A GAPPP!!!!”

A flag for that? Geez, guess that ref is real fun at parties. 

This was in a locker room at halftime.

We had a super intense O-line coach at my last gig who would chime in on defense from time to time (like a defensive consultant). Super intense...like literally would not blink during the span of a football game. We were getting toasted by a jet-series Wing-T team, and was concerned about our LB's reading their guards, and went to draw something up. Kids were worried about jet sweep and kept talking about the motion and having to honor it. After about 3 or 4 kids mention "jet sweep," he got so angry he pressed the marker into the whiteboard, draw this really large/outlandish line representing somewhat of a jet motion, and he screams "I don't care if they run [fidgeted, red-faced pause]...DICK SWEEP!"

All of us coaches were in the doorway of the coach's office. We immediately had to close the door to try and hide our laughter.

That's probably the only "roll on floor laughing" quote from this guy I can share without getting banned.  He would say such outrageous things that no matter how intense the moment was, or how scared the players would be, us coaches would collectively have to run to a corner and laugh.  

a story from a friend of mine at at inner city school

from the box "coach get away from jimmy"

why?

the ankle monitor is going off and the other color team is driving around the stadium (crips and bloods stuff)

Oh yeah! You haven't coached until you coach kids with ankle monitors. And you haven't coached if you haven't had to adjust your signals because the one's you usually use are gang signs.