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Post by jared10227 on May 21, 2016 7:19:06 GMT -6
Since you have been around this game, what are some funny things you have heard coaches say either as a player or as a coach.
The one I will never forget is from my senior year of HS. My coach was older and developing vision problems.
We are watching the game film from the previous Friday during our weightlifting class Monday morning. Our punt team has a kid with the last name Stuck on it. The kid gets caught running down field with his head tilted back to the sky trying to find the football and just gets destroyed...I'm talking it was so bad the other kid should have been arrested for child abuse. Anyhow this is the ensuing conversation between my coaches:
HC: ::walking by the film study:: "Whoa!! Coach rewind that back....who is that that gets his head taken off?"
DC: "That's Stuck sir"
HC: ::chuckles to himself:: "well Stuck got stuck"
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Post by bignose on May 21, 2016 7:40:26 GMT -6
We are in an opponent's locker room pre game. Our opponent, with a coach who was new to our league, formed a gauntlet for us when we came out on the field for warmups. There was a fair bit of taunting going on. Needless to say, the HC is fired up. He is standing on a bench jumping up and down, just going off on an epic rant: "We are going to rain $hit and storm thunder!" At that point he accidentally hits a bank of fluorescent lights overhead that explode in a spectacular shower of sparks and glass. The kids eyes were the size of dinner plates! After going down 14-0 we settle down and win something like 44-14. It got to the point where the paramedic wanted to stop the game because things were getting too rough!
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Post by jpdaley25 on May 22, 2016 19:42:54 GMT -6
"There are two things you should never knock up: One of them is a football."
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Post by WolvesHC on May 22, 2016 20:31:19 GMT -6
The HC I played for was a legend at our school and coached there for 29 years with a lot of success. He would always have a few good ones. Once he responded to a player suggesting a play by saying look this is a dictatorship and I'm the d*ck! The best was during camp my junior year. We were a wing t team and we would have a play call that we would shift formations. For example 100 "shift to" 900. The LT who was a senior called Jim messed up on a play. Coach asked Jim what happened and Jim responded by saying he was worried about the shift to. Well the shift had nothing to do with the line and Jim was a senior who had been in the system 3 years. Coach was like shift to! You were worried about the shift to? How about this? Teddy shift to LT, Jim shift to....OUT!!! Everybody died laughing. Unfortunately for Jim he would not get his job back as Teddy was an outstanding player even as a sophomore at the time. I laugh every time I think about it even though it was 21 years ago.
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Post by Stangs13065 on May 22, 2016 20:38:26 GMT -6
My freshman year the first day of practice one of our coaches was like 70 (tons of football knowledge, but pretty senile). Told us: "If you find yourself wondering if you have practice on any given day ask yourself: Does a wild bear sh!t in the woods?"
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Post by coach55 on May 22, 2016 21:19:51 GMT -6
My high school coach was asked once " Coach, how long is practice going to last tomorrow?" Coach replies "son, practicing football is like taking a sh!t, you stay there until the job is done". Needless to say that was a while ago.
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Post by coachwoodall on May 23, 2016 5:33:52 GMT -6
A liability on the field is an asset on the bench.
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Post by olcoach53 on May 23, 2016 5:54:45 GMT -6
A personal favorite of our current HC is "You are playing higher than giraffe cootchie"
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bdm
Sophomore Member
Posts: 104
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Post by bdm on May 23, 2016 8:00:29 GMT -6
Former HC I worked for was trying to get all the kids out of the field after practice during the summer one day and we said coach whats the hurry to which he replied: "I'm so hungry I could eat the beans out of dead cowboys a$$." While gross the kids died laughing at him.
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Post by hunhdisciple on May 23, 2016 8:10:27 GMT -6
This might not be exactly fitting, but it's something that still makes me laugh.
Our biggest rival was bad this year. Like, really bad football. Had kids playing who didn't need to be on the field. We were just the opposite, had a lot of speed and talent.
Before the game, one of their coaches was just yelling at our guys during warm ups. Stuff about how they were better than us, how they were going to out coach us. It ended up getting pretty aggressive and obscene.
I was standing pretty close to him when their HC came over and chewed him out. "Don, are you f--king kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you? Look at them! Do you have any clue how much f--king faster than us they are? A whOle f--king lot, Don. A whole f--king lot. Damn son, how stupid can you be? You don't provoke a damn grizzly bear and then expect it not to take off your whole damn face! Jesus son, they're gonna rape the s--t out of us, and nothing you say is gonna change it."
It remains one of the best pre-game moments I've ever had. I've never seen a guy more defeated than he was.
All their guy did was to piss our guys off. Some of our most aggressive guys took it personally, and went out with a vendetta. 4 forced fumbles, and 2 QB's later, we won by 45.
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Post by John Knight on May 23, 2016 8:13:37 GMT -6
HC once said to us, get him out of there, he doesn't know if his a$$hole is bored or punched!
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Post by **** on May 23, 2016 17:04:13 GMT -6
Last year the HC of one of our rival teams sent the HUDL exchange a week early and in the comments he said "Don't turbo clock me"
I died laughing when I read that.
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Post by rsmith627 on May 23, 2016 17:53:05 GMT -6
We did a camp with 3 other teams in the area a few years back. Coach at one of the schools was an insane MFer. He had to be. His personality fit the clientele at this school. They don't respond to nice, only to f bombs.
Anyway, the kids are going through stretches and this was our third session of the day, so some of our kids and the kids from one of the other schools were sluggish. It's like 95 degrees out.
Coach flips his chit. "Do you guys like football?!"
Kids from all 4 teams: "yes sir!"
Coach: then wake the phuc up and stop acting like a bunch of cherry cu*ts"
This would come back to bite him later as he was punishing kids for stealing at the end of one of his practices. A couple went down showing symptoms of heat exhaustion. That caught some attention needless to say, and since eyes were already on him a kid who didn't like him cried about being called a cherry cu*t.
Turns out, in a heavily religious state like Utah, talking to a kid like that is frowned upon.
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Post by rsmith627 on May 23, 2016 17:56:03 GMT -6
One of my favorite ones.
Player: coach, how hard is practice going to be?
Coach: hard son. Real hard. We are talking pedophile on a playground hard. Today is going to be harder than a priest in Sunday school.
Yes, I have coached around some real lunatics.
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Post by KYCoach2331 on May 24, 2016 13:34:56 GMT -6
"You move/look like two old people screwing" and something about f**ing a door knob.
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Post by jared10227 on May 24, 2016 14:19:44 GMT -6
"Son, you're stiffer than wedding d!ck"
My HC told a kid who was on our line for punt team this, last year. It was loud too because it was raining and we were in the gym. Glad I wasn't eating Cheerios, bc they would have been spit all over the gym floor.
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Post by Defcord on May 24, 2016 14:36:15 GMT -6
A guy I worked with a few years ago came into film after we got beat and said "sorry boys but i can't fix what God f'ed up!"
I laughed but I am a sick person
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Post by vanden48 on May 24, 2016 15:12:01 GMT -6
Opposing player gets leveled into our sideline and the DC who got fired in the off-season by the administration for his mouth, screams over the kid "YOU SIT DOWN WHEN YOU PEE!!!"
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Post by coach2013 on May 24, 2016 15:21:19 GMT -6
Defensive Coordinator says:
"Im about to get fired right now- but this has to be said..."
Every single thing he said after that was funny as @#$% and completely true about how our guys were playing. What made it that much funnier is that the rant was profanity laced, questioned the "gender identity" of our guys and everything was said right in front of the parents who were tailgating in the parking lot behind the endzone.
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Post by fantom on May 24, 2016 16:46:03 GMT -6
I once heard a HC say (and I remember the exact words because it was such a masterpiece), "You phukin' guys need to watch your GD language. That chit pi$$es me off".
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Post by coachirish on May 24, 2016 18:31:36 GMT -6
Our rival's starting qb quit mid season last year. I texted thier coach to see what happened and he responded "pu$$y remains undefeated against football"
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Post by rcole on May 25, 2016 8:11:51 GMT -6
For the guys that haven't been around here long enough to have read this back when it first started, the post I've linked below is a classic along the same lines as this. One of the funniest things I've ever read. I go back to it almost annually for a good laugh. coachhuey.com/thread/5449?page=1
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Post by tabs52 on May 25, 2016 10:11:39 GMT -6
The best story I have to have is in late 80's early 90's we had a coach who was from the deep south, mind we are north of pittsburgh, our team mascot is the lions-during the pep rally he begins the cheer give me L give O give I give N give an S what does that spell student body responded loins
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Post by IronmanFootball on May 25, 2016 10:27:23 GMT -6
Had a header tell me "I have a near genius IQ" before misusing the word "scathing" in the same speech.
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Post by rosey65 on May 25, 2016 10:40:21 GMT -6
"Son, you're stiffer than wedding d!ck" My HC told a kid who was on our line for punt team this, last year. It was loud too because it was raining and we were in the gym. Glad I wasn't eating Cheerios, bc they would have been spit all over the gym floor. I laughed harder at the thought of someone eating a bowl of cheerios at football practice than the HC's comment. I've heard and said a lot of crazy stuff on the field, but never a threat of cheerios!!
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Post by olinedude on May 25, 2016 11:01:23 GMT -6
During halftime of our first thur night Freshman game, our other freshman coach gets up at half time and starts talking. He addresses the team and says, "You guys know the C word? Yeah, you know...THAT 'C' word. You guys can't use the C word around us coaches or trainers. The C word is a four letter word. Call it something else, but don't call it the C word. You guys have to be smart enough to come up with another name for it. Once you guys say the C word, we have to do something about it. Don't use the C word."
It took me more than half of his talk to figure it out.
I stood up to address the team next. "Guys, he's referring to concussions not what you're thinking. Don't say concussions around us, say you hurt your head so we're not legally obligated to have you concussion tested."
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hwkfn1
Junior Member
Posts: 258
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Post by hwkfn1 on May 25, 2016 12:04:08 GMT -6
I had a HC once that was usually very reserved, but when he went off it was usually funny. This one day our kids were dead, no enthusiasm, nothing. He starts to blow and stops practice. He gets himself calmed down and very quietly says to the players: We are going to stop practice for a few minutes so you guys can go over to those shade trees and pull your tampons out." It was all we had not to start laughing.
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Post by shocktroop34 on May 25, 2016 12:23:22 GMT -6
Disclaimer: I was not present to hear this, but it was told to me by an assistant on the staff of said HC.
A Hall of Fame coach in the Mid-Michigan area was in the process of turning around a struggling program.
During a game, one of the "fence leaners" yells out to the HC, "Hey Coach! Why don't you call some good plays!!!"
Without hesitation, the HC looks back and says, "Naw...I thought I'd call 19 or 20 of these $hitty plays first."
I heard everybody in the stands fell down laughing.
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Post by WingTheT on May 25, 2016 13:06:14 GMT -6
During my playing days, there was a game where we were getting destroyed up front. We were all average size and the team we played had 2 Defensive linemen that went to UGA and their NG who went to play somewhere in FL for D2 football. At the time, out OL coach tell us that we were getting beat like a f****** pinata. Of course some of us smiled.
Oh yeah, and of course there was a hispanic guy with us (we called him big sexy) who had the balls to say "Well, where's the candy then coach?"
He couldn't help but crack up a bit. We lost that game by 24, but at least we scored...a field goal.
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Post by hunhdisciple on May 25, 2016 14:23:17 GMT -6
One year, one of my good friends was on our staff. He had a reputation for being a bit profane and having a tendency to explode.
Our team that year wasn't that great. We ended up having to coach our asses off for 7 wins. It was mid season and we had a big game coming up that Friday. After a late Monday practice which had our kids have a pretty crappy and sluggish attitude, he called them together after a defensive session. He said "Guys, you've got 2 options tomorrow. One, come back with a better f--king attitude and get something done. Or two, go to the store tonight and buy a lot of lube. Because if you keep this s--t up, they're gonna stick it in your ass and not stop until they've hung 50 on you."
That did not go over well when a kid complained about it to their mom. But, that kid quit a week later so nothing ever happened.
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