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Post by touchdowng on Jul 21, 2007 17:44:01 GMT -6
Really great conversation. It's nice to hear everyone's perspective on this.
None of us, as HCs, want to be taken advantage of and don't want to come across as hypocrits but sometimes we have to examine situations for more than their face value.
Still not sure if I would have made a different decision at the time but I think there is a strong message in the fact that the player still takes time to visit (8 years after the fact), tells me about Iraq, introduces me to his future wife. My heart aches but my mind tells me that it was the right decision.
I still struggle but that's leadership.
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Post by ajreaper on Jul 21, 2007 18:33:42 GMT -6
Good coaches always self scout, reevaluate, and adjust- that's essentially what you are doing. But my guess is today you'd make a different decision then you did 8 years ago.
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Post by touchdowng on Jul 21, 2007 20:27:14 GMT -6
And I did. I'm at a different school and we don't have the same policy. I decided to work with kids a little more.
Last season one of our juniors (two way starter) asked if it was okay to go to Hawaii for 1 week (it's the only time his Dad could take a vacation - where they could all go as a family). He let me know about two weeks before we started. He would be at our first 4 practices and then would miss a week. He ended up missing our first two games because of this. His air fare was non-transferable and this put them in a bind. I guess. So I played the nice, fair coach.
I probably felt worse (for my team) than I did with my previous decision (for the single boy). If we all took the time to interview all of our players to see what they are giving up to play, I think we all might be surprised to see how much sacrifice our players give to their team.
In a way, I felt - by allowing the player to go to Hawaii - that I let our entire team down. Sometimes we have to make decisions based on what's best for all. Last time I checked, football is a team sport but it is only High School. There lies the struggle.
My son plays soccer at his HS, the coach is VERY explicit about his players being around during Spring Break - we have always supported this decision 100%. Last spring they missed two players - due to vacation time - and the only penalty they received was sitting a half of a game on their return. Not much of a penalty.
When they made the state playoffs a month later, one of the players (top scorer) missed the game because he decided to go to a football combine. They lost 1-0.
We have to draw the line somewhere and sometimes we must think of our team first.
For as long as I continue to coach, I will wrestle with these scenarios because they are not black and white.
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Post by coachjim on Jul 21, 2007 21:08:07 GMT -6
I think all adopted or one parent, abandoned children, need to meet their birth parent for catharsis. Of the one's that I know, and sadly there are quite a few, none were satisfied with the meeting but this turned out to be their closure; the realization that they were probably better off in the long run anyway.
Although this boy didn't get that closure through the rafting trip, he probably did in the one or two meetings and it would have been enough. If not, he probably attained it when the mother disappeared again into the woodworks; understanding and closure. I'm sure he was heart broken more that she never came to see him play. There is no greater joy for a parent, imho, than to see your child play football. There is no greater joy than for the child to be watched and cheered by a parent.
YOU, were probably the individual that was his role model, parental figure, motivator, and mentor. As one, you had to make some tough calls, like any parent. In the end and ultimately, I hope you continue this relationship throughout his life. His love for you and football are obvious.
As for the mom... he knows where to find her. Rafting.
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Post by wildcat on Jul 21, 2007 21:34:15 GMT -6
I agree with ajreaper on this...I would like to think that I would have encouraged this young man to meet this woman and establish a relationship. The chance that the woman might abandon him once again in the future would have been moot for me...IMO, that is not my decision to make. If this young man met this woman and it didn't work out, then all he is really out is 4 days of his life. I wouldn't want to be the reason that he missed a chance to reconnect with his birth mother.
Family, faith, and football...in that order.
I also know that 7 years ago, when I first got into coaching, I probably didn't feel that way. You learn as you go.
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Post by biggroff on Jul 21, 2007 21:48:19 GMT -6
touchdowng
The fact that you wrestle with these decisions tells a lot about the type of person you are. Keep up the good fight. There are a lot of us who feel for you and know what you go through.
as for coachjim comment about the joy a player gets from his parents watching him is so very true. Shoot...after 10 years of playing football and 15 coaching football my Dad still comes out to every game I coach and I still get a kick out of it every time. My son will start to play in a couple of years and I will be at every one of his games also.
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