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Post by spreadbone on Oct 24, 2007 8:00:41 GMT -6
I've been involved in a recent tragedy with our football team, and don't know where to go, so I'm turning to you guys for some help. Last night, the mother of one of our seniors was killed in a car crash. Our team is small, close knit, small town group of folks and we are hurting right now. I'm the dc and I address the team quite often, and the boys look to me sometimes for words of wisdom and ispiration (I'm not tooting my horn, they've told me this), and right now, I don't have any. I don't know what to say, and I feel lost. We have a huge distict game this fri. and it is also seniors night, and right now, the game seems so unimportant you can't imagine. I guess I'm looking for some advice more than anything, I've never had to deal with this sort of situation before. For those of you who have dealt with this, could you please chime in? I'm not a teacher, so I'm not with the team right now, but we are all meeting together at the boys home in a little while. Thanks for listening at least, I appreciate it.
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Post by brophy on Oct 24, 2007 8:21:38 GMT -6
a few years ago, one of our linebacker's father was shot to death in his truck (probably about 1/2 mile) from the school campus, no less.
All you can do, is all you can do.
Just tell the boys that family is all you have...family is what you make it, it isn't necessarily blood-relation (meaning the ties of football). Supporting each other on and off the field. Address the team, hold a team prayer, then organize the kids to attend the wake. Whatever else you do after that is great. There isn't much you CAN do in dealing with the passing of someone.
When I was playing, a buddy of mine had his dad die during the season. Part of what helped him, was coming to practice....
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Post by wingt74 on Oct 24, 2007 8:37:39 GMT -6
What a nightmare. Ask the kids how they're feeling. Let them do as much of the talking as possible. All kids are different and will handle this in different ways.
During practice, I would have 1 coach stay behind / inside the school. Let the kids know that at anytime during practice they can leave to go talk to that coach. Maybe it's you when the team is focusing on offense and an offensive guy when the team is working defense.
the biggest key is making sure the kids always have options to talk to someone when they are starting to feel depressed or angry.
Also accept that, (and you may already have) you are not going to have a productive week of practice...
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Post by spreadbone on Oct 24, 2007 8:54:46 GMT -6
Thanks guys, I know practice will not be much, and the hc may even want to cancel it. I think that would be a huge mistake because the game is where you can lose yourself and take a break from life a little bit, get away, and get frustrations out. I don't really even care about the productivity of practice, just the togetherness, and the fact that practice can acutally be the DISTRACTION these kids need. Thanks for the input, I just feel empty, and again, I'm not tooting my horn, but being one of three young coaches on an older staff, the kids look to us a lot becuase we are more of thier age. I just didn't want to have them come up to me looking for advice or words of inspiration and be caught flat-footed. In my heart what I want to tell them is hey, the sun is going to come up tommorrow, you'll get dressed and we'll get busy living life, because that's one game you can't quit. Sounds good to me, but may be too harsh? That's how I feel though, when your down, the only thing you can do is get up IMO, but I don't want to come off as too harsh, because I know you need to greive, and believe me we are doing that. Thanks guys, yall are some good folks and if in any way I can return a favor, let me know.
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Post by coachweav88 on Oct 24, 2007 9:00:43 GMT -6
The biggest things you can do are
1. Be there. You don't need to have great words of inspiration, you don't need to fix them, just be there to show your support.
2. Listen to them. Allow them to express their emotion. Grief is natural, and it needs to be expressed. people need to come to grips with what happened. ask them about good memories of the mother etc. They need to recognize how their feeling, accept what their feeling, and express how they are feeling.
The biggest thing to remember is to resist the temptation of trying to fix them. Grief is a process, not a problem.
hope that helps
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Post by kboyd on Oct 24, 2007 13:54:57 GMT -6
A couple of years ago one of my players was driving a truck that went out of control on an icy road and struck and killed a pedestrian. What we did was get together as a team with the principal and a police officer to have an open discussion with the kids. It's okay to let them know that you don't have all of the answers, what's important is that they know that they have you, the rest of the staff and their teammates to lean on and go to just to talk things out. I'm sorry to hear about this situation and I agree with your stance that the sun will rise tomorrow.
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Post by coachbdud on Oct 24, 2007 14:52:13 GMT -6
when i was a sophomore our QB was killed in a fire 2 days before a game. it was terrible entire school was in mourning, coaches told us we didnt have to play they would understand but we played. we did it to honor him. football doesnt seem important when something like this happens but it does help. returns a little bit of "normal" to your life
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Post by tigercoach on Oct 24, 2007 18:48:43 GMT -6
When I was playing, a buddy of mine had his dad die during the season. Part of what helped him, was coming to practice.... AMEN, not the same but when my dad passed away from cancer recently, practice was about my best therapy and really helped the grieving process. |
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Post by spreadbone on Oct 25, 2007 6:45:29 GMT -6
I would like to thank all who posted, I appreciate the advice. We went to the young man's home yesterday and it was nice, his teammates kept him occupied for a few hours. We were leaving and giving him hugs, getting ready to go back to the school for practice, when he said "what are you doing, I'm not staying here, I'm going to practice." Another coach and I stayed back after the kids left and asked him if he was ok with doing so, and he said "What am I going to do, stay around here and be miserable?" I left there thinking...wow, that kids got guts. Sure enough, at 3:15 (start of practice), he was there. We said a prayer, and got busy practicing. There was not a lot of focus at first, but towards the end of practice it was a business as usual attitude and the focus had returned. I have been impressed by this bunch on more than one occassion, and yesterday took the cake, especially the young man who lost his mother. He's a starting ot, and backup de for us and plays a lot. He did his job right on through, and didn't even look affected. He got teary eyed once, and that was in the prayer at the beginning of practice. Most of the team will be with him today, as the school as allowed them to be with thier teammate in this time of need.
Thanks for the words of wisdom, and coachweav, you were right, there's no answer, and no way you can make it all better. We just tried to keep his mind off of it as best we could, and aid our friend and teammate. Thanks again to all who posted and helped me big time realize our role as coaches in times like these.
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Post by wingt74 on Oct 25, 2007 7:54:50 GMT -6
Sounds like the kid is handling it well thus far. But, reality my start to settle in. Keep an eye on him. Especially after the season. Couple of phone calls making sure his friends are hanging out with him.
I lost my mom 3 years ago to a bout of Cancer. After about two weeks, it REALLY started hitting me hard...seeing my Dad alone all the time, having gone two full weeks now without seeing my mom, it starts to sink in.
All in all, good job coach, you deserve a pat on the back.
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Post by spreadbone on Oct 29, 2007 6:43:15 GMT -6
Just an update, we went into our game Fri. night and won big. The young man who lost his mother, had an outstanding game. The cheerleaders made shirts in honor of the young man's mother and they all wore them as did the trainers and coaches. We had a moment of silence before the game and in the game there was a lot of focus as we did some very good things.
Yesterday they had the memorial for the young man's mother. That's a very hard thing to sit through. It was nice though, the community, the school, and the football team all rallied together to help the family and they were very appreciative.
Just wanted to give an update and let you know how things were going. I also wanted to extend my thanks for those on here who helped me with the great words of wisdom.
Thank you.
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