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Post by coachnightingale on Jun 9, 2009 17:33:35 GMT -6
So I have been a DC at a small high school for 4 falls now. This upcoming fall, my wife's step brother is getting married back home on a Friday night. I would have to leave on Wednesday, and not be able to return on Monday. My gut tells me that I should not go, but she is arguing with me about it. She is expecting our 1st child so I am trying not to upset her. What would you do in my situation??
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Post by outlawjoseywales on Jun 9, 2009 17:50:42 GMT -6
You have responsibilities that are part of YOUR income to provide for your family. Ask them nicely if they can move the date of the wedding seeing that you CAN'T move your date.
Your personal importance is also in play here.
Will your team suffer if you do not uphold your responsibility?
Will your absence cause you difficulty with your school?
Do you coach for a living, or for fun?
It makes a big difference coach.
OJW
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Post by fbdoc on Jun 9, 2009 19:02:21 GMT -6
I don't know if this is an "Ethical" question. OJW makes most of the same points I would make although one question would be, what if it was your OC, or your starting QB, or the last kid on the roster in the same situation? Would the "answer" be different? Probably, because everyone's LIFE is different! My Head Coach missed our biggest game of the year - the one that clinched a playoff spot for the first time in 26 years - to go to his daughter's graduation from basic training because he felt he had to be there for his daughter. Do you need to be there for you wife? Does she need to be there for you? I know I'm not answering your question - because I can't! You need to answer for yourself, for your team, for your job, and for your family.
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coachwoody
Freshmen Member
Gotta love it!!!
Posts: 45
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Post by coachwoody on Jun 9, 2009 22:34:48 GMT -6
My wife and I discussed it and she said that there would be no way that she would expect me to miss a game on friday night. With that being said she is my third wife and I promise you that the first two would not have understood, hence ex-wives. Your wife needs to realize that what we do is not like a regular 9-5 job. We can't just take off whenever we feel like it during the season. If that was the case we would not get mad when kids missed practice or workouts. If it was like every other job coaches would miss games all the time to go on vacation, or go to weddings on friday nights. All I can tell you is that you need to sit down and explain your situation to your wife and her family. If they don't get it then they will never get it. Good luck if that is the situation.
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Post by coachjd on Jun 10, 2009 4:15:18 GMT -6
I have only missed 1 practice in my 8 years at my current school and that was for my father in-laws funeral. When my sister in-law got married, I drove from 11:00 pm until 4:30 am after our game so I could get to the wedding. Was able to get to the hotel were my wife and kids were staying, get a couple of hours of sleep before we had to be at the church. My opinion is when you ask your kids and assistant coaches to make a comittment, you should as well.
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Post by Coach Bennett on Jun 10, 2009 7:06:50 GMT -6
Trust your gut.
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Post by 19delta on Jun 10, 2009 7:08:53 GMT -6
I am really lucky. My wife wouldn't even ask. And, not to be a dick, but if you cave on this, she will expect you to cave in the future if something she wants to do on a Friday night during football comes up again.
Not to get all analytical, but is this really about going to the wedding or is this a "control" issue for your wife?
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Post by shields on Jun 10, 2009 7:14:49 GMT -6
I would send my wife without me on Wednesday. After the game on Friday, I would take a red-eye flight or the first flight out on Saturday morning. Fly back early Sunday so you will have most of the day to break down film. Your wife can drive back on Monday.
I had to do this for my sister-n-laws wedding last summer because I didn't feel I could afford to miss our pre-season camp.
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Post by superpower on Jun 10, 2009 7:51:36 GMT -6
My wife would go without me and would totally understand why I would not be going to the wedding.
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Post by phantom on Jun 10, 2009 9:06:02 GMT -6
So I have been a DC at a small high school for 4 falls now. This upcoming fall, my wife's step brother is getting married back home on a Friday night. I would have to leave on Wednesday, and not be able to return on Monday. My gut tells me that I should not go, but she is arguing with me about it. She is expecting our 1st child so I am trying not to upset her. What would you do in my situation?? I don't see how a coordinator can take off that much time to go to his stepbrother-in-law's wedding. You'll miss Wednesday and Thursday's practices, the game, whatever game planning you do over weekends, and Monday's practice- basically 10% of the season. Are you willing to pay back 10% of your coaching stipend? I don't know your wife's due date but since the end of the season is about five months away it also could be during the season. Now, THAT'S a reason to miss a game if you need to. |
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Post by chuge325 on Jun 10, 2009 9:19:38 GMT -6
I would offer this- What is your life based on?
We teach our kids in season to order life as God, Family, School, Football, Everything else. Biblically (Christian School) within that order there is balance. As an adult , God, Family, Job, Football.
So where is the balance in your family? Does your wife understand that your income? is on the line, is there a balanced compromise? Shields makes a great suggestion - there are many of us who have ended up divorced to pursue a living. (my personal ranking of this order of importance was earned the hard way). And at some level, the question becomes what can you miss, and what can you give up? Those are questions that you probably know the answer in your heart and gut already. Follow that. It is hard when life intrudes on our plans, but choose a balance that works with your life. And live with it. They aren't changing the wedding to appease a step brother in law (probably), so what can you and your wife work out. Talking to her, and figuring out that balance is a great thing to do, it may be tough, but as you are about to embark on parenthood, that conversation about how to balance work and life is going to come up again. May as well get it started. Good Luck! Fbdoc and OJW hit the nail on the head -how important is football, how important is the wedding (to you and your family), and how important are you to the team and your school? Talk those over with your wife and your answer will be there.
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Post by phantom on Jun 10, 2009 9:25:34 GMT -6
I don't know your wife's due date but since the end of the season is about five months away it also could be during the season. Now, THAT'S a reason to miss a game if you need to. Depends... First child? OK. 2nd or later child...hmmm...don't know about that. Single mothers have children everyday. I'm just sayin.  It is a good selling point for missing the wedding. |
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Post by fbdoc on Jun 10, 2009 11:29:25 GMT -6
Missing game for the birth of your child - YES without hesitation. Missing game for wedding of wife's step brother - NO COMPARISON Whatsoever!  |
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Post by coachdubyah on Jun 10, 2009 12:07:16 GMT -6
I just have to ask this question. Who the HE!! gets married on a Friday??? I say stay and coach the game. What I have to say is exactly what Coachwoody said. She has to understand that your job is not like any other. Go with your gut!
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Post by Coach JR on Jun 10, 2009 12:57:49 GMT -6
There's no ethical question here really, it's a help me out of pizzing off my wife question. If this is your job...the way you support your family then wifey and family have to understand you have scheduled prior commitments.
And yeah, who gets married on Friday?
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Post by NC1974 on Jun 10, 2009 14:14:32 GMT -6
I don't know if this is an "Ethical" question. OJW makes most of the same points I would make although one question would be, what if it was your OC, or your starting QB, or the last kid on the roster in the same situation? Would the "answer" be different? Probably, because everyone's LIFE is different! My Head Coach missed our biggest game of the year - the one that clinched a playoff spot for the first time in 26 years - to go to his daughter's graduation from basic training because he felt he had to be there for his daughter. Do you need to be there for you wife? Does she need to be there for you? I know I'm not answering your question - because I can't! You need to answer for yourself, for your team, for your job, and for your family. This to me is a very insightful post. I don't think it is possible to coach for any significant amount of time and not have to deal with a situation like this. I think the bottom line is you have to do what you believe is right and what you can live with. Figure out what your priorities and convictions are and stick to them. We can all sit here and say your step brother doesn't warrant missing a game, but we are not part of your family. We don't know the dynamics etc. I'm sure the HC who missed the game because his daughter was graduating from basic was conflicted about missing the game, but he did what he believed was the right thing. At at the end of the day, I think that's what it's about. So deep down, if you believe that the right thing to do is to be at the game, then be there. If you believe the wedding is more important, than there you go. Now I know that someone is going to bring up the question "what kind of example is this setting for the players?". Well I personally believe that this is a teachable moment. I think it's good to teach kids that in life you have to make tough decisions and you have to have priorities. I missed a couple of practices a few years ago when my wife was pregnant (false labor). And I have no problem telling my players that in my list of priorities, my family comes before football. Does that mean I wanted to miss practice? Of course not, but one of those things that comes with being a man, is making those tough decisions. |
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Post by coachdubyah on Jun 10, 2009 17:59:53 GMT -6
Just talked to my fiancee and gave her this situation. She said poor wedding planning!!!! It's not even your brother.They should have gotten schedules together before setting the date. Like I said, coach the game. She is going to have to get over it.
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