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Post by wingt74 on May 12, 2008 13:31:46 GMT -6
"That kid is deceptively slow"
These are awesome...keep 'em coming
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Post by lochness on May 12, 2008 14:20:43 GMT -6
OL coach to his men: "Play like someone stole your freakin' sandwich!"
DB coach to me as a player: "You're in the running for Peptol Bismol's 'Upset Player' of the week award."
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mrigg
Junior Member
Posts: 457
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Post by mrigg on May 12, 2008 14:37:00 GMT -6
After a kid tried to explain what the defense was doing, but he spoke in some sort of hillbilly ebonics. I responded "Your in American now son, speak the queens English" The confusion on his face was priceless.
A sophomore was concerned about going up against a much larger and stronger senior in practice and I told him just to yell out a math problem that should freeze him in his tracks.
Coach A "They beat us 45 to 14 that year" Coach B " Really what did they run" Coach A "Pretty much what ever the hell they wanted to"
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Post by td4tc on May 12, 2008 15:11:00 GMT -6
after a particularly dumb or bad play What happened! Did the gamblers get to you!!!
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qbguru
Freshmen Member
Posts: 90
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Post by qbguru on May 12, 2008 15:55:59 GMT -6
my old college coach..."HE COULDN'T BLOCK A DEAD SNAKE!"
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Post by stud17 on May 12, 2008 16:57:56 GMT -6
My H.S. coach: "If you guys play like you can play, than you'll play like you can play."
Another H.S. coach: "Alright guys, this is our new Spread Punt. And no, it's not Spread C*nt like your girlfriends."
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Post by sonnycrocket on May 12, 2008 17:50:35 GMT -6
Couple more I've heard, one of our coaches was having some bowel problems that day at practice so he goes, "Guys I could $hit through a screen door right now." And later on the same coach, "Squirrels will warm their paws over this"
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Post by mwpilots on May 12, 2008 19:31:02 GMT -6
"You couldn't catch a cold butt-naked in a lake in the middle of December"
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Post by schultbear74 on May 12, 2008 19:42:09 GMT -6
Speaking to a guy who was going into the army after he graduated: "how are you going to defend our country when you can't even defend A gap?"
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Post by wildcat on May 12, 2008 20:01:11 GMT -6
Used to work for a guy who gave this as part of a speech before a big playoff game:
"Guys...the team with the bigger d*ck is going to win this game tomorrow."
Silence...nothing for a few seconds..then a few guys start tittering slightly and looking away to hide the rising, uncontrollable, laughter.
Finally, one of the smart-a$$es on the team...a kid who never played and really didn't give a crap about anything, pipes up and says:
"Coach, if that's what it is going to take to win, then we are in big trouble because I have seen all of these guys naked in the shower."
At that point, everyone lost it...kids, coaches, EVERYBODY...one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.
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Post by coachkill22 on May 13, 2008 7:01:09 GMT -6
Assistant coach to team....Don't get stuck on stupid....
Another coach to player not paying attention.......Are you a mental midget?
I had to turn my back and laugh at that one.
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Post by autiger7 on May 13, 2008 7:09:01 GMT -6
We are a option team and very rarly throw the ball, our Qb Coach said this to me one day at practice, " Our Passing game is like Halloween, it is Scary but it aint real"
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Post by dhooper on May 13, 2008 10:04:45 GMT -6
You are the slowest fast kid I know.
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Post by CoachMetz on May 13, 2008 11:09:53 GMT -6
Some of the ones I've heard: "hit 'em 'til their mothers feel it." "he didn't know whether to s**t or wind his watch" from my shakespearian coach, "one hit does not a block make" "katie bar the door" I don't know what that means. When describing punt protection, "Step on their d**k, thousand one, thousand two and release."
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Post by fatkicker on May 13, 2008 11:17:27 GMT -6
more he didn't knows...
he didn't know his a** from third base......
he didn't know whether he was pickin' or plowin'
he didn't know sic 'em from come here.......
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Post by Coach JR on May 13, 2008 11:49:35 GMT -6
HS coach to a nerd that was sitting aside doing math homework in gym class: Son, are you doing math homework?" Kid: "Yes sir" Coach: "Son, they don't let you do pushups in math class, and I don't allow math in pushups class...get your butt down here now."
HS coach timing us in the 40 when the O and D line came up: "Hey coach, we're gonna need a calendar to time this group."
HS FB Asst Coach: "You run like you got a hotdog up your a$$ and you're afraid you're gonna spill the chili!"
HS FB Asst Coach: "Is that the stance we taught you? You look like a monkey screwing a football"
Coach Pat Dye when asked about something he could have done differently after an Auburn loss: "Well, hindsight is 50/50 you know."
Coach Bryant when asked by a reporter why he hadn't put the back up QB in due to the starting QBs struggles: "Cuz I want to win the football game."
And my all time personal fave: "WOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEE!" (The last thing I heard Coach Sheffield yell right when I turned to reverse field on the kickoff team practice after the runner went past across field...he'd seen Blake about to clean my clock from the blindside) And then he followed it up while stanind over my returning to conscienceness body with "you gotta keep your head on swivel, dang that was a big hit, how you feeling?"
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Post by CoachMikeJudy on May 13, 2008 12:52:04 GMT -6
Worked with this old NY Italian guy- full of one-liners:
"Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his a$$..."
"They came through [our o-line] like $hit through a goose..."
"I gotta squeeze my buttcheeks otherwise I'm going to be $hitting like a duck [walking and crapping at the same time]..."
We also coached track together, and we had a kid fast as hell but he'd always pull hammys due to lack of flexibility- "That kid's tighter than a crab's a$$..."
"Wow...you're smoother than sandpaper"
"Wow...you're slicker than snot"
"You couldn't knock a sick w-hore off a pisspot..."
He called this kid "UMA" [like Uma Thurman]- when asked why, he said it's U.M.A.- Ugliest Man Alive...and his dad's nickname was U.F.A.- ugliset father alive.
When entering the lockerroom: "It smells like a w-hore's a$$ in here..."
Whenever something happened that was unexpected he'd say under his breath "your sister's a$$..."
He was hilarious...
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Post by coachweav88 on May 13, 2008 14:15:16 GMT -6
I've been to a lot of goat-ropin's and county fairs. I've seen it all.
Would someone do something else wrong? I'm tired of seeing the same mistakes.
"You must be a failed abortion" (kinda funny in a wrong sort of way)
"You can wish in one hand and crap in the other. See which one weighs more."
"You bunch of fancy boys"
"I've seen more fight in a mousetrap" Junction Boys
John McKay in a post game interview
"Coach, what do you think of your team's execution?" "I'm all for it"
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Post by bmarsh07 on May 13, 2008 14:26:35 GMT -6
Hmmmm- my two most memorable from my HS playing days:
1) my head coach's wife was my Gifted Students teacher- after missing an assignment he told me, "Son, to be such a smartass in class, you sure are a dumbass on this field."
2) well, I never got the assignment right, and at some point that Friday night, got blindsided by a block that I should have been looking for. My LB's coach came up to me after the game and told me, "Hey Marsh- Emory (a local medical center) called- they've located a specialist that can surgically remove the grass from your ass."
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Post by bj88smc on May 13, 2008 15:14:13 GMT -6
You'd screw up a wet dream.
You couldn't find your way out of a wet paper sack.
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Post by justryn2 on May 13, 2008 15:17:49 GMT -6
When John McKay was asked what he thought about the execution of his offensive line, he said, "I'm in favor of it."
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Post by tiger46 on May 13, 2008 15:45:03 GMT -6
Variations on some of the things my my 7th grade DB coach said.
"Son, #88 had better not catch a pass. Don't let him touch it. Heck, you'd better not even let him smell the football." I remember that one because once, after an incomplete pass, the receiver that I was guarding jogged over to pick up the football and hand it to the ref. I darted past him and snatched the ball up before the other team's receiver could. I handed the ball to the ref while giving that player the dirtiest look I could conjure. My coach had said not to let him touch a football. And, I'd have been d@mned if he was going to, if I could help it.
"Son, you better be on a receiver's butt the moment one steps on the football field. If he goes to the bathroom and takes a dump, you'd better be there to intercept the toilet paper."
After I'd gotten a personal foul called on me and cost us a 4th down stop. I got pulled to the sideline to get a loud earful of the DB coach's disappointment in my playing. Coach: "How could you do something dumb like getting a personal foul?!" Me: "I did what you told me to do." Coach: "Hell, son. If you'd done what I'd told you to do, you wouldn't have gotten caught."
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Post by wildcat on May 13, 2008 16:01:45 GMT -6
Said to an o-linemen who just got beat badly:
"Son...he went through you like a turd through toilet paper."
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coachwoody
Freshmen Member
Gotta love it!!!
Posts: 45
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Post by coachwoody on May 13, 2008 19:30:21 GMT -6
I'm all for being positive but I don't like bragging on a kid. "When you brag on the dog, he craps on the rug everytime."
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Post by wingt74 on May 13, 2008 19:55:08 GMT -6
When John McKay was asked what he thought about the execution of his offensive line, he said, "I'm in favor of it." One of my all time favorites
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htownoc
Sophomore Member
GATA
Posts: 186
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Post by htownoc on May 14, 2008 7:11:16 GMT -6
Said to an offensive lineman during a scrimmage: "You practice like old people f**k- it's slow, it's disgusting and someone's going to end up getting hurt!"
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Post by fbdoc on May 14, 2008 7:20:35 GMT -6
Many are called, but few are chosen...
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Post by bluboy on May 14, 2008 16:29:37 GMT -6
That DB would have trouble covering his butt with a towel.
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Post by CoachMikeJudy on May 14, 2008 20:44:42 GMT -6
It was cold as hell and raining, everyone was shivering on the sidelines... "That kid's shaking like a dog $hitting razor blades..."
"You could screw up a rock fight..."
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Post by tripleoption61 on May 15, 2008 8:53:32 GMT -6
C. Ray Gregory use to tell kids, " Son your dumber than a box of hair!"
Greatest one ever an assistant coach once said, " Son your a load your momma should of swallowed."
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