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Post by wildcat on Mar 22, 2008 20:12:53 GMT -6
These are pretty funny...thought some of us might need a cheap laugh.
"Coachisms"
Hit them with your purse next time.
I swear you have diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain!
You couldn't pour pi$$ out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel!
Can i get you a Fresca and a TV guide?
The only way you could be a bigger pu$$y is if you grew an inch!
You two are the HOSTESS brothers!...Cupcake and Twinkie!
Damn ______, you're big enough to eat hay!!
_______, you have a million dollar body and a ten cent control tower!!!!
And if your mom and dad dont like it, bring them down and I will kick their a$$ and your brothers a$$ too!!
You've got to move your feet, son. - you're killing the grass.
As soon you figure out you can't get a walnut through a straw, you've got a chance to be a decent quarterback.
You guys have got to bust your butts getting down the field. The way you're running right now, if lightning were to strike, it would kill all of you.
Body By Atlas - Brains by Matell!
what part of man to man dont you get? i dont care if he goes over by that bush, stands on his head, and spits nickels. you better be right beside, standing on your head, spitting nickles.
Damit (Fill in name), youd f*$# up a wet dream!
Damn, son…he went through you like a turd through toilet paper.
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Post by coachbdud on Mar 22, 2008 20:16:56 GMT -6
"you're about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop"
-Patches O'Houlihan, Dodgeball
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Post by tog on Mar 22, 2008 20:24:03 GMT -6
ones i hate
block him
catch it
damn
it's not like the kid meant to do that
how about we teach them what they did wrong in this "blocking" and "catching" stuff?
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Post by groundchuck on Mar 22, 2008 20:43:07 GMT -6
If that is all the harder you are going to hit just go home and play with your Barbies.
Now I do agree with Tog and I really try to concentrate on not saying those phrases like "catch it" or "block him" but rather I try to focus on the coaching points and correcting thier mistakes so that they can make the play next time.
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Post by warrior53 on Mar 22, 2008 20:50:12 GMT -6
My favorite is...
"Look like an athlete!"
Should the kid change his shorts, pull up his socks, cut his hair?
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Post by kylem56 on Mar 22, 2008 20:58:57 GMT -6
Son do you know what state your in ? you are in a state of confusion !
- lou holtz
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Post by wildcat on Mar 22, 2008 21:25:55 GMT -6
Not really looking for "fan with a whistle" comments like:
"Just hit somebody"
"You gotta make a play"
"Just get it done"
Instead, looking for "funny" things that coaches say..."memorable" quotes that kids will be still be talking about when they have their 20th reunion...those kinds of comments...
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Post by coachjoe3 on Mar 22, 2008 21:59:31 GMT -6
"You gotta be on him like a sailor on a Honolulu hooker!"
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Post by Yash on Mar 22, 2008 22:00:13 GMT -6
"with the way you guys are playing right now you couldn't knock a $2 very "friendly" person off a pisspot"
Well they censored me on that, but it rhymes with pore and starts with a W
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Post by rbush on Mar 22, 2008 22:19:56 GMT -6
Our DC to the defensive backs.
"Damn guys. Play like that all year and Coach C [db coach] will be in AA by October."
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Post by gregspahn on Mar 22, 2008 23:18:12 GMT -6
"Shoot!! He beat you like a hard-on!!"
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Post by coachbdud on Mar 22, 2008 23:22:36 GMT -6
"Shoot!! He beat you like a hard-on!!" that is one of the best ive ever heard |
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Post by leighty on Mar 22, 2008 23:28:11 GMT -6
My personal favorite is, "Find a way."
No, coach, how 'bout you find a way to start coaching.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2008 7:10:04 GMT -6
From Bob Green, head coach at Montana Tech in Butte
Rankings are like your old man's Playboys. You want to take a look but you dont' want to get caught staring.
We have mixed emotions after this game. It's like your mother-in-law drove your brand new Cadillac off a cliff.
I'd rather be a food taster at a turd canning factory than the coach at--------
We're perfectionists around here. We'd expect Pamela Anderson to know how to cook.
You need to streeettttchhh men, you're tighter than a knock-kneed virgin.
(During butterfly stretches) Get down there, men. Bend over and take a sniff.
Beating (insert team) is like marrying the girl of your dreams and waking up the morning after the honeymoon and finding out her daddy was rich and owned a liquor store.
They are really good. They're rougher than a pine cone toilet seat.
It's a math thing. If we'd lost our last won than we'd have lost 2 out of our last 3, but since we won our last won, we've won 2 out of our last 3.
We need to hit em all game. I want our guys bouncing around like a pogo stick on Viagra.
Football season is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.
It's really tough to win when you can't run the football. It's like trying to sell bubblegum in the lockjaw ward.
We've got to get busy to win this game--like a homely girl on her honeymoon.
I've been coaching since the Dead Sea was only sick.
We had an almost game. That's when you're almost good enough to win. That's like when I was in 3rd grade and they told me at the end of the year that I was almost smart enough to go on to 4th grade.
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bigcroz
Junior Member
Go STAGS!!
Posts: 356
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Post by bigcroz on Mar 23, 2008 8:51:23 GMT -6
son you are moving like pond water!
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Post by kurtbryan on Mar 23, 2008 9:26:37 GMT -6
Happy Easter and here are a few good ones before I gotta go plant Easter Eggs:
"That player looks like Tarzan but plays like Jane."
"He's just about good enough to get us all fired."
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Post by dacoachmo on Mar 23, 2008 10:55:59 GMT -6
My favorite is... "Look like an athlete!" Should the kid change his shorts, pull up his socks, cut his hair? actually, I like and use this one... when kids just stand around and get blindsided. It reminds them to stay in a ready position and head on a swivel. |
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Post by tiger46 on Mar 23, 2008 11:05:53 GMT -6
I have various versions of this one, but...
"_____, you can hold him like that at the prom if you want to. But, in football, that's a penalty."
Some of the funnier moments from last season:
"Whew! That kid's fast. All I saw was a contrail!"
After our TB improvised a bad snap and busted play into a crazy TD run.
My AC: "Hey, I bet they're over there wondering how we coached that."
Me: I ain't gonna tell 'em the secret. They should have been at the clinic."
4th and long.
AC: "Coach, what play you calling?"
Me: "Heck, if I know. Nothing's worked. And, I can't get google out here."
We had a kid that was a.d.d. We could call the same play four times and the kid would do four different things. My AC's nickname for him was 'Mixed Vegetables' because almost nothing was done the same way twice with that kid.
My AC said this to me after a practice and all the kids were gone or well out of earshot.
AC: "Hell, coach. We're kicking a$$. And, we only have 6 plays (AC pauses) Well......, except for Mixed Vegetables. He's got about 25 plays. We just don't know what they are or, when he'll run 'em."
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Post by Yash on Mar 23, 2008 13:12:15 GMT -6
I used this one a few years back after a ball had been fumbled and our guys failed to recover it.
"Guys you gotta jump on that ball like its the last chopper out of 'Nam!!!" Needless to say the parents heard it and got a good kick out of it. It was a JV game with mostly freshman so not too many got it, except for my team history buff who was standing right next to me.
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coacher
Sophomore Member
Posts: 191
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Post by coacher on Mar 23, 2008 13:35:04 GMT -6
If you plan on throwing the ball alot at practice here is what you can tell your wrs.
Today you are going to get more balls thrown at you than Richard Simon's chin has.
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Post by Yash on Mar 23, 2008 19:13:59 GMT -6
"That kids so dumb he tried mailing a watermelon using food stamps"
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Post by coachcoyote on Mar 23, 2008 22:51:47 GMT -6
"Hit 'em hard enough to knock their dick in the dirt."
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Post by buchananm on Mar 24, 2008 15:06:45 GMT -6
I had a HC one time, stick his nose in the defensive meeting at halftime and draw up a 4-4 cover 2, turn to the DC and said "get it done!"  |
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Post by amikell on Mar 24, 2008 15:12:31 GMT -6
"that's ok son, you couldn't catch him in a phone booth"
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Post by kcfootballwv on Mar 24, 2008 15:30:25 GMT -6
I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the sweat hanging off my ballsack is going to quench your thirst!
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Post by pantherpride91 on Mar 24, 2008 15:35:09 GMT -6
Our HC and I were in the weight room the other day and one of our trouble makers came in after having served a detention and why he was trying to be bs his way through an excuse for it our hc looks at him and says "damn boy, I had hemroids a couple years ago and they werent half the pain in my ass that you are".....
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Post by tiger46 on Mar 24, 2008 16:36:03 GMT -6
In 7th grade, this is how my DB coach explained man press coverage to me.
"Son, you better stay on his a$$! And, I mean ON HIS A$$! You go where he goes! If he goes to the bathroom to take a dump, you'd better be there to intercept the toilet paper."
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Post by td4tc on Mar 24, 2008 17:17:03 GMT -6
they say he's one of the best players in the country.
yeah. well we here are playing in the city and he ain't worth a sh it.
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Post by bluboy on Mar 24, 2008 17:19:17 GMT -6
Lou Holtz - "He couldn't catch a biscuit if he were dying of hunger."
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Post by Coach Klemme on Mar 24, 2008 18:45:30 GMT -6
It looks like a friggin goat rodeo out there.
He's not my QB he's the schools QB
Don't give their D-coord too much credit. He's coaching in high school football for cripes sake not the GD NFL.
During Up-downs in 2-a-days and a kid is laying face down on the ground about ready to puke. "I sure as heck hope the reason you are laying there like that is you luckally found a hole left over from a ground squirrel."
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