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Post by coachtua on May 25, 2016 22:27:48 GMT -6
Not so much what he said but what he did.
We got beat by our rival pretty bad one year on homecoming. Saturday morning HC gets up and goes over the usual: injury report, what happened in our league the night before, etc. He was pissed about the game and dint want to watch the tape and relive the horror from the night before. So he brings a blank tape into the meeting room and tells the boys, "We are not going to watch this tape, this is what I am going to do." He proceeds to try and pull the tape apart but grabs the end that was short. So he only pulled like an inch of tape and couldnt pull anymore and struggled for like 30 seconds, gave up and threw the video cassette against the wall. After the boys were dismissed we clowned him for the rest of the day.
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Post by coachtua on May 25, 2016 22:34:20 GMT -6
Got this from my OL coach. Monday the HCs sphincter is normal sized and relaxed. But as the week progresses it gets tighter and tighter. Friday night about 655 pm you cant drive a needle up his butt with a jackhammer...
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Post by coachtua on May 25, 2016 22:45:14 GMT -6
At a military boarding school and our boys are playing like garbage, turnovers, missed tackles, allowing receivers to catch the ball. Our HC walks in the locker room at half time and says, "No wonder you guys came to an all boys boarding school. You would rather play with each other than play football."
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Post by blitzology on May 25, 2016 23:39:23 GMT -6
Crazy HS Equipment Manager talking to my HS team before a game my junior year.
"You ain't scared. You ain't got to fear that man across from you. He put his pants on one leg at time just like you. The man you got to fear is the man who hang his pants up on the telephone wire and jump into 'em of a morning."
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Post by groundchuck on May 26, 2016 3:23:18 GMT -6
Last year at the end of the last regular season practice before the game Friday I reminded the players we would be coming in Saturday to get ready for the playoff game.
I told them I would splurge on them by buying some donuts and chocolate milk to have during films Saturday. I went on to say splurge 2-3 more times and about that time I noticed some of the boys were losing it. One of them reminded me of Jimmy Fallon when he used to start to laugh during a sketch on SNL.
My DC later informed me that "splurge" no longer means "to spend extravagantly on something" anymore. It has taken on an entirely different meaning and we shall leave it at that. So now that has kind of become a joke among the coaches
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Post by tabs52 on May 26, 2016 5:22:20 GMT -6
Best Story, not so much in what a coach but what happened. It was during our summer workouts and we were sluggish. Our HC goes on this tirade about how other teams are out working etc.... Mind you he has dentures, so about half way through his tirade his teeth fall out
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Post by rosey65 on May 26, 2016 6:04:24 GMT -6
Our staff had an obsession with sunflower seeds a few years back. We'd go through a few bags every day at practice, so we usually had a little rotation as to who the plug would be each day. (for you older coaches, "plug" is the current term for the 'hook-up man,' usually used in relation to the local drug dealer. use it today, you'll get a good reaction) The start of each practice always entailed everyone figuring out which coach had a big bag of seeds.
Sitting around the office after practice, we start a conversation about seeds. One of the coaches says, "you know what would be a good alternative to seeds?" We all perk up. "A Publix sub, with chipotle chicken and pepperjack." We all throw stuff at him, call him a moron.
Till the next day, which was our thursday walkthru. It's POURING down rain. The young coach yells out during stretches "who has seeds?" We all reach into our pockets, pull out a whole soaking wet sub sandwich, and offer him a bite. The staff loses it, the kids have no idea whats going on.
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Post by freezeoption on May 26, 2016 6:31:33 GMT -6
my idea of a plug is a nice piece of rope tobaca that you bite off
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Post by rosey65 on May 26, 2016 6:52:13 GMT -6
my idea of a plug is a nice piece of rope tobaca that you bite off
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Post by jturner on May 26, 2016 10:54:37 GMT -6
my idea of a plug is a nice piece of rope tobaca that you bite off I feel like this every time I teach math to my 6th graders
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Post by coachfloyd on May 26, 2016 11:13:37 GMT -6
My freshman year is started to storm at practice. Bad thunder and lightening. Well a kid yells out "Coach I just saw a streak of lightening!" The coach replied "Who are you, the weather man?"
Same coach and Im playing in a 9th grade game. Ive played every snap except for kickoff team and its the end of the third quarter. We punt the ball and go on defense. I came to the sideline and asked for one play off. He looked dead at me and said, "I thought you were going to be a player." He was a great coach. Best I ever had. We also had a kid with the last name Pilgrim and a kid named James Bond. One day in his best John Wayne voice(and he was a black guy which was even funnier) he said, "Where's Pilgrim?" And when he wanted James Bond he would say "Give me Bond. James Bond." It was hilarious.
Another coach on that staff one day said "Guys you look like popcorn in the studio." We were like what the crap does that mean.
My first year coaching we had a kid screw up and the old crusty OC goes "Dang son your like Ned and the first reader." He also introduced me to "Katy bar the door" and "88 and out the gate."
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Post by fantom on May 26, 2016 11:30:56 GMT -6
My sophomore year at a small HS we were playing a first year program and blowing them out (Which, in 1968, meant that the score was 20-0). In the fourth quarter all of the starters were out and we were on defense. In the huddle we noticed that we only had ten players so we yelled that to the coach. He looked around and the starters are pretending that don't see him or hiding and obviously he has no volunteers to go back in. He turned back to us on the field and gave us this advice: "Play it tough".
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2016 14:43:28 GMT -6
A personal favorite of our current HC is "You are playing higher than giraffe cootchie" I originally read this as a giraffe on cocaine...
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Post by 19delta on May 26, 2016 15:00:14 GMT -6
Not so much what he said but what he did. We got beat by our rival pretty bad one year on homecoming. Saturday morning HC gets up and goes over the usual: injury report, what happened in our league the night before, etc. He was pissed about the game and dint want to watch the tape and relive the horror from the night before. So he brings a blank tape into the meeting room and tells the boys, "We are not going to watch this tape, this is what I am going to do." He proceeds to try and pull the tape apart but grabs the end that was short. So he only pulled like an inch of tape and couldnt pull anymore and struggled for like 30 seconds, gave up and threw the video cassette against the wall. After the boys were dismissed we clowned him for the rest of the day. That's great. Coach should have done a dry run first!
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Post by bdoublep on May 26, 2016 16:00:20 GMT -6
My senior year of hs we played a very good wishbone team on the night of our big town festival and they took it to us pretty good. That night a player's mother got some liquid courage in the adult beverage tent and confronted the head coach. She was complaining how more kids didn't get to play in the loss. He looks her dead in the eye and says "Look, I turned around at one point during the game and didn't see any Heisman winners sitting on the bench so I figured the guys out there gave us the best chance. All I can tell you is that if your son would have payed it would have been a lot worse so you should be thanking me." My father witnessed the whole thing and said it was pure poetry!
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Post by coachwoodall on May 26, 2016 18:54:31 GMT -6
Note to self: nothing is to be left to the imagination; and my imagination is quite good.
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Post by bigspicy on May 30, 2016 14:34:33 GMT -6
Senior year of high school and we are playing the team which would become state championship that season, and we are losing 63-10 it's the middle of the 4th qtr, and one of the coaches is trying to get us going by saying...
"C'mon guys, let's go... we're still in this!"
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klaby
Junior Member
Posts: 389
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Post by klaby on Jun 3, 2016 9:10:35 GMT -6
"if it smells like crap and looks like crap don't put it on plate cause I aint going to eat it"...same coach "do that again I will puke in your helmet"
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Post by racehorse on Jun 3, 2016 22:33:56 GMT -6
I worked for the worst head coach I have ever had the dishonor ever knowing. We went 0-10. In the middle of the season after another 30+ point loss, he gives a post game speech that ends with:
"I am a great coach and you guys are f***ing this up for me!!!"
He is a real class act.
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Post by freezeoption on Jun 4, 2016 5:31:57 GMT -6
I think I was in 9th grade, we had the same coach in 8th grade, they moved him up, he was a joke. I always try to remember not to coach like him. One time in practice, he is pissed, which he was pissed all the time. He is screaming at one of us ol. He grabs a friends facemask and screaming at the kid pulls him up to him, facemask hits the coach's nose and cuts the outside of his nose and blood drips down his nose the whole practice because it is raining and never gets a chance to clot. I know that wasn't say something but still makes me laugh.
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48
Freshmen Member
Posts: 48
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Post by 48 on Jun 4, 2016 21:11:20 GMT -6
Speed was never my calling card. One of my college coaches had fun with my deficiency from time to time.
Two of his better ones:
(As he was reading off our 40-yard dash times) "Johnson...Four-seven-six. Smith...Four-eight-two. (My last name)...Four...ever!"
Probably the best one: "Son, if you raced a pregnant lady, you would get third."
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Post by jared10227 on Jun 4, 2016 22:02:23 GMT -6
We had a kid on our baseball team this year that I told in order for us to get his time on the 60, we needed to have block scheduling.
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Post by wingtol on Jun 6, 2016 9:23:43 GMT -6
We had a first year guy coaching with us, played college ball good guy but still a rookie. First game of the year we are on D 3rd down just happened getting close to the half our HC says on the head sets "I'm gonna burn a TO so we have time when we get the ball back" New guy comes running down the sideline "Don't use a TO we got 10 seconds till the 2 minute warning..." Had to take my headset off everyone was screaming "There's no two minute warning in HS!!!!!!"
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Post by blb on Jun 6, 2016 9:31:27 GMT -6
We had a first year guy coaching with us, played college ball good guy but still a rookie. First game of the year we are on D 3rd down just happened getting close to the half our HC says on the head sets "I'm gonna burn a TO so we have time when we get the ball back" New guy comes running down the sideline "Don't use a TO we got 10 seconds till the 2 minute warning..." Had to take my headset off everyone was screaming "There's no two minute warning in HS!!!!!!"
Had a DB coach once who when teaching Bump coverage told kids not to contact receivers after five yards because of the "Chuck" rule.
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Post by John Knight on Jun 6, 2016 19:59:24 GMT -6
I have told this before on here but WTF, kids still laugh about this one. I used to say some funny $hit at practice.
We had this TB that loved to question everything. We were getting ready to play a perennial powerhouse in our first ever trip to the state playoffs and my sphincter was a bit puckered. I was going over how we were going to pick up blitz and who was responsible for who an he kept saying "what if that guy does so and so, I said we will do this, what if he does this? Then we do this and what if does this and that guys does this and he goes there and I just looked at him and said, Then we are f*ucked in the middle of a {censored} field, son! My linemen all literally rolled on the ground laughing!!
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Post by rsmith627 on Jun 7, 2016 8:19:36 GMT -6
The other day the team was doing our breakdown at the beginning of morning workouts. Anyway, it's day 1 of morning workouts, so the enthusiasm wasn't quite there. Boss jumps out all fired up and yells "Never send a boy to do a man's job, I got this next one." Proceeds to do it, and his voice squeaks. You kind of had to be there, but that's some good chit.
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Post by rsmith627 on Jun 7, 2016 8:21:57 GMT -6
We had a first year guy coaching with us, played college ball good guy but still a rookie. First game of the year we are on D 3rd down just happened getting close to the half our HC says on the head sets "I'm gonna burn a TO so we have time when we get the ball back" New guy comes running down the sideline "Don't use a TO we got 10 seconds till the 2 minute warning..." Had to take my headset off everyone was screaming "There's no two minute warning in HS!!!!!!" I know he was a rookie, but it's amazing how many experienced guys don't know the rules of our game. I ran into an issue last year with clock management (I can't even remember what happened now) but it basically came down to me not having a full understanding of the rule about clock stoppage.
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