Funny things you have heard coaches say...

We are in an opponent's locker room pre game.
Our opponent, with a coach who was new to our league, formed a gauntlet for us when we came out on the field for warmups. There was a fair bit of taunting going on.
Needless to say, the HC is fired up.
He is standing on a bench jumping up and down, just going off on an epic rant: "We are going to rain $hit and storm thunder!"
At that point he accidentally hits a bank of fluorescent lights overhead that explode in a spectacular shower of sparks and glass.
The kids eyes were the size of dinner plates!
After going down 14-0 we settle down and win something like 44-14.
It got to the point where the paramedic wanted to stop the game because things were getting too rough!

The HC I played for was a legend at our school and coached there for 29 years with a lot of success. He would always have a few good ones. Once he responded to a player suggesting a play by saying look this is a dictatorship and I'm the d*ck! The best was during camp my junior year. We were a wing t team and we would have a play call that we would shift formations. For example 100 "shift to" 900. The LT who was a senior called Jim messed up on a play. Coach asked Jim what happened and Jim responded by saying he was worried about the shift to. Well the shift had nothing to do with the line and Jim was a senior who had been in the system 3 years. Coach was like shift to! You were worried about the shift to? How about this? Teddy shift to LT, Jim shift to....OUT!!! Everybody died laughing. Unfortunately for Jim he would not get his job back as Teddy was an outstanding player even as a sophomore at the time. I laugh every time I think about it even though it was 21 years ago.

My high school coach was asked once " Coach, how long is practice going to last tomorrow?" Coach replies "son, practicing football is like taking a sh!t, you stay there until the job is done". Needless to say that was a while ago.

A personal favorite of our current HC is "You are playing higher than giraffe cootchie"

This might not be exactly fitting, but it's something that still makes me laugh.

Our biggest rival was bad this year. Like, really bad football. Had kids playing who didn't need to be on the field. We were just the opposite, had a lot of speed and talent.

Before the game, one of their coaches was just yelling at our guys during warm ups. Stuff about how they were better than us, how they were going to out coach us. It ended up getting pretty aggressive and obscene.

I was standing pretty close to him when their HC came over and chewed him out. "Don, are you f--king kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you? Look at them! Do you have any clue how much f--king faster than us they are? A whOle f--king lot, Don. A whole f--king lot. Damn son, how stupid can you be? You don't provoke a damn grizzly bear and then expect it not to take off your whole damn face! Jesus son, they're gonna rape the s--t out of us, and nothing you say is gonna change it."

It remains one of the best pre-game moments I've ever had. I've never seen a guy more defeated than he was.

All their guy did was to piss our guys off. Some of our most aggressive guys took it personally, and went out with a vendetta. 4 forced fumbles, and 2 QB's later, we won by 45.

Last year the HC of one of our rival teams sent the HUDL exchange a week early and in the comments he said "Don't turbo clock me"

I died laughing when I read that.

One of my favorite ones.

Player: coach, how hard is practice going to be?

Coach: hard son. Real hard. We are talking pedophile on a playground hard. Today is going to be harder than a priest in Sunday school.

Yes, I have coached around some real lunatics.

"Son, you're stiffer than wedding d!ck"

My HC told a kid who was on our line for punt team this, last year. It was loud too because it was raining and we were in the gym. Glad I wasn't eating Cheerios, bc they would have been spit all over the gym floor.

Opposing player gets leveled into our sideline and the DC who got fired in the off-season by the administration for his mouth, screams over the kid "YOU SIT DOWN WHEN YOU PEE!!!"

I once heard a HC say (and I remember the exact words because it was such a masterpiece), "You phukin' guys need to watch your GD language. That chit pi$$es me off".

For the guys that haven't been around here long enough to have read this back when it first started, the post I've linked below is a classic along the same lines as this. One of the funniest things I've ever read. I go back to it almost annually for a good laugh.

coachhuey.com/thread/5449?page=1

Had a header tell me "I have a near genius IQ" before misusing the word "scathing" in the same speech.

During halftime of our first thur night Freshman game, our other freshman coach gets up at half time and starts talking. He addresses the team and says, "You guys know the C word? Yeah, you know...THAT 'C' word. You guys can't use the C word around us coaches or trainers. The C word is a four letter word. Call it something else, but don't call it the C word. You guys have to be smart enough to come up with another name for it. Once you guys say the C word, we have to do something about it. Don't use the C word."

It took me more than half of his talk to figure it out.

I stood up to address the team next. "Guys, he's referring to concussions not what you're thinking. Don't say concussions around us, say you hurt your head so we're not legally obligated to have you concussion tested."

Disclaimer:  I was not present to hear this, but it was told to me by an assistant on the staff of said HC.

A Hall of Fame coach in the Mid-Michigan area was in the process of turning around a struggling program. 

During a game, one of the "fence leaners" yells out to the HC, "Hey Coach!  Why don't you call some good plays!!!"

Without hesitation, the HC looks back and says, "Naw...I thought I'd call 19 or 20 of these $hitty plays first." 

I heard everybody in the stands fell down laughing.