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Post by coachtwy on Oct 30, 2011 8:15:39 GMT -6
Anybody have any advice on how to not let unsupportive parents effect me? Dad's who think they could be better coaches, Mom's who think their son is a QB etc. I know haters are always gonna hate, but it makes me mad and i don't like it.
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Post by coachdoug on Oct 30, 2011 9:41:02 GMT -6
First of all, you have to have a mandatory pre-season parents meeting where you go over all your team rules, your coaching philosophy, etc. This is where you let them know that it's not okay to get in your face immediately after a game (24-hr rule), that you won't discuss playing time or positions with them, other than to explain on a macro level how decisions are made and what the rules & policies of the league/program/ and team are. I will also tell a parent what a kid needs to do to improve if he wants a shot at a particular position next year.
Other than that, you need to understand that second guessing coaches is just human nature - it's what fans do and parents can't generally turn that off just becuase it's a kids' game (in fact, that natural tendency usually gets amplified because their kid is involved). Next time you go to a game, listen to the banter in the stands (including your own, most likely), and you'll see that regardless of level, a lot of the chatter about the game is ongoing critical critiquing of the coaching decisions. It doesn't mean all the fans are "haters" - it's just how most fans enjoy the game. Most of them don't really mean anything by it, although on occasion it does get taken too far. Once you recognize this for what it is, it is much easier to just ignore it.
Good luck, coach.
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Post by bobgoodman on Oct 30, 2011 10:25:56 GMT -6
second guessing coaches is just human nature - it's what fans do and parents can't generally turn that off just becuase it's a kids' game (in fact, that natural tendency usually gets amplified because their kid is involved). Heck, it's hard for me to resist blurting out criticism & advice for the other team's coach during our games! |
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Post by coachcomet on Oct 31, 2011 8:20:32 GMT -6
I would second what coach doug said and add Hudl. I've had a particular kid for two years now and his mom thinks he is NFL material, I'm not joking. She thinks her son is the best linemen in the league and does not understand why he comes off the field. He should play every snap O & D. We are a 5th and 6th grade team and he is 120lbs and the shortest linemen on the team. He is competing against eight kids that are much bigger, faster, and taller than he is. This is the first year I used Hudl and we posted some of our practices and all game film. After our first scrimmage this year she came up to me and asked what he needed to do to get better. I was blown away; this was a 360 from the three week prior to the scrimmage. I asked her what she was talking about with a smile. She said her son was not getting through the O line into the backfield on D and why I left him in the game so long.  I didn't even know what to say, I just told her we would keep working to get better. Her and her husband have not said one thing over the season. I just wish I would have used it last year, would have made my life easier. I drafted two kids that I was told not to draft do to the parents being very vocal in previous years. Again the parents think there son is a super star. I drafted them knowing what I was getting and thought they were unhappy because the kids had not been on a good team and had lost more than they had won. Both of these kids’ dads were a little more vocal than I wanted in the start of the season and when we started playing games they were not to be heard from. We finished the season off 6-3 and won in the first round of the playoffs this past Saturday. I get about ten text messages on Sunday asking when the film will be posted. Not only is it a good tool to use for coaching and showing kids what they are doing right and wrong, it is the best way to show the parents what their son is really doing of the field. |
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Post by coachbmore on Nov 3, 2011 23:43:20 GMT -6
My best responce for these types of parents is to let their son try against one of my skilled players. in front of them. it shuts them up quickly other than that i tell them if you have a problem come out here and coach by yourself for a week and see what its like.
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Post by jrk5150 on Nov 8, 2011 16:09:38 GMT -6
that you won't discuss playing time or positions with them, other than to explain on a macro level how decisions are made and what the rules & policies of the league/program/ and team are. I will also tell a parent what a kid needs to do to improve if he wants a shot at a particular position next year. I understand why you have this rule. But I'm not sure this is the right way to go about things. Not sure it's not, either, LOL. I'm just thinking that you should be willing to discuss anything you do or decision you make when it impacts their kid. The problem is that it's a difficult conversation, and I fully understand WHY you would want to avoid it. Just playing Devil's Advocate, really. You should have a valid reason for every decision you make, that doesn't include favoritism, that is based on tangible standards that should be able to be communicated to the parent. Doesn't mean you debate it with them, but I can certainly argue that they deserve a reason. You can certainly have a rule that you won't discuss other kids, so no getting into "my Little Jimmy is better than Petey so why is Petey playing while Jimmy isn't" - THAT one, I shut down NOW. Or you can certainly shut off parents who are rude about it. But this is their kid, don't they have the right to know why you do what you do? Do you think others that are put in charge of their child should be able to make decisions like that free and clear of discussion? Would you accept that type of rule from your kid's teacher? I won't discuss how I grade your child? Granted - they are paid to teach, you are not. But they aren't paid to discuss stuff with parents, they're paid to teach your kid. Like I said - just playing Devil's Advocate. I understand why you would have that rule. I understand the potential for headaches trying to have those discussions. Just not sure that shouldn't be part of the deal. I don't know. Honestly, most coaches I talk to have that rule. About the only one I can think of that doesn't is Dave Potter, he will talk about whatever a parent wants to talk about. But he's a unique guy, LOL. |
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Post by coachdoug on Nov 9, 2011 0:15:38 GMT -6
that you won't discuss playing time or positions with them, other than to explain on a macro level how decisions are made and what the rules & policies of the league/program/ and team are. I will also tell a parent what a kid needs to do to improve if he wants a shot at a particular position next year. I understand why you have this rule. But I'm not sure this is the right way to go about things. Not sure it's not, either, LOL. I'm just thinking that you should be willing to discuss anything you do or decision you make when it impacts their kid. The problem is that it's a difficult conversation, and I fully understand WHY you would want to avoid it. Just playing Devil's Advocate, really. You should have a valid reason for every decision you make, that doesn't include favoritism, that is based on tangible standards that should be able to be communicated to the parent. Doesn't mean you debate it with them, but I can certainly argue that they deserve a reason. You can certainly have a rule that you won't discuss other kids, so no getting into "my Little Jimmy is better than Petey so why is Petey playing while Jimmy isn't" - THAT one, I shut down NOW. Or you can certainly shut off parents who are rude about it. But this is their kid, don't they have the right to know why you do what you do? Do you think others that are put in charge of their child should be able to make decisions like that free and clear of discussion? Would you accept that type of rule from your kid's teacher? I won't discuss how I grade your child? Granted - they are paid to teach, you are not. But they aren't paid to discuss stuff with parents, they're paid to teach your kid. Like I said - just playing Devil's Advocate. I understand why you would have that rule. I understand the potential for headaches trying to have those discussions. Just not sure that shouldn't be part of the deal. I don't know. Honestly, most coaches I talk to have that rule. About the only one I can think of that doesn't is Dave Potter, he will talk about whatever a parent wants to talk about. But he's a unique guy, LOL. This is actually a very interesting question you pose, and, believe it or not, I completely agree with you. If you read what I wrote, you'll see that I didn't say that I have these rules, but rather these are rules that I suggest for most new coaches. Like you, most coaches I know have these rules and they seem to work well for most of them, so I generally suggest them to other coaches, especially newer guys who may not be as comfortable dealing with parents. I actually have none of these rules myself - I will talk with anyone any time about anything, including to explain to a critical, irate parent my decisions immediately following a tough loss. I pride myself on my diplomatic skills and my ability to calm down emotional parents/fans and get them to understand what we were trying to do in a reasonable manner. I have no problem explaining to a parent why his or her kid isn't playing the position they want or the amount they want. When a particularly irate comes up to me screaming or yelling about whatever (after I’ve moved them away from the kids) I’ll generally just let them go without interrupting until they’re done. I will ignore most of what they say and not take anything personally, but I will listen for any substantive complaints/criticisms/questions and make a note of them so I can be sure to address them later. I will then ask them if they are done and wait for a yes answer before I respond (or ask them to finish before I respond in any way). Then, I will explain to the person which issues they just brought up that I will respond to immediately, which issues I will respond to later (typically because I’ll have to do some investigating and fact finding first), which issues should be addressed to someone else and who that is, and which issues cannot or will not be addressed (complaints about officiating or personal insults, etc). I will get an agreement on that before I proceed. If the person tries to interrupt me to argue while I’m addressing the issues, I will calmly and politely remind him or her that I let them say everything they wanted to say without interrupting and made sure they were finished before I said anything, and then I will ask for the same courtesy. Most of the time, this works pretty well and has usually resulting in the upset person really appreciating the fact that I let them say everything they wanted to say and heard them out. In most cases (not all, but most), they actually apologize to me later for their behavior and their initial attitude. One of the things that is particularly effective with a parent that is just complaining to complain and isn’t responding to what I’ve told him or her is to simply ask what they want. That usually comes out something like this, “Okay, Mr. Dad, I’ve heard your concern and I’ve explained why I did what I did. I get that you’re still not happy – what exactly would you like me to do?” If the answer is “Nothing, I just wanted to let you know I think it stinks,” then I politely end the conversation by telling him that his complaint has been duly noted. If he has a specific request, then I’ll either grant it or explain why I can’t grant it, and, if possible, I’ll offer a counter proposal. The important thing is to get the non-productive complaining to stop and focus on solutions. Having said all that, if a parent comes to me immediately after a practice or game with a heavy dose of attitude and gets in my face and says something like, "I wanna know why little Johnny isn't playing running back and getting most of the carries - he's obviously your best athlete," I'll reply with something like this, "Okay, Mr. Johnny Sr., you need to settle down a little bit and I'll be happy to discuss this with you. Can you do that?" Then I'll wait for agreement both verbally and in demeanor. Only then will I continue, "Look, if you want to know how the decisions were made about what position your son is playing, or if you would like to know what little Johnny needs to do to improve if he wants to play a different position or get more playing time, I'll be happy to do either or both of those things for you. If, however, you simply want to complain and argue with me about little Johnny's current situation, I have absolutely no interest in doing that. Are you okay with that and do you promise to keep this conversation to the former and avoid the latter?" Again, I will wait for agreement before proceeding. At that point it's usually a pretty easy conversation. Ultimately, I agree with your point about the parents deserving an explaining for any decision a coach makes. I really do try to put myself in the parent’s shoes and think about what I would want and expect from a coach that my child plays for. |
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Post by coachmsl on Nov 10, 2011 6:22:54 GMT -6
Doug you are a Zin Master in conflict resolution!!!!
Nice, I will use this.
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Post by coachchris10 on Jan 3, 2012 4:01:18 GMT -6
When dealing with parents, you kind of have to be a politician. Say something positive, never promise anything and point out the facts on how their child can get to where they want to be. When you tell a parent that there is a "chance" they can play somewhere, put the ownership on them and tell them that they need to also work with their son at home because the 2 hours of practice a day isn't enough for him to get up to the speed where you want him to be. Of course, saying all that in a politically correct way. I love dealing with irate parents. Because after they go all nutty on me, at the end of our conversation they become my biggest supporter and never a vocal problem again. Of course there are always exceptions, but majority of the time, they will respect you and move on.
I had a dad this past season walk up to me with his son and asked if he was going to be my starting DE for the rest of the season because he I benched him for lazy mistakes and put in his backup and his backup played exceptionally well. I addressed his son and let him know that I was disappointed in the lazy mistakes he made and that I did not expect the backup to play so well and that now he had to earn his starting spot back. The backup played so well, that his athleticism and toughness in that game made me want to go with him for the rest of the season, but than during practice that week, the kid that was benched stepped up and earned his starting spot back.
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Post by 19delta on Jan 7, 2012 21:41:01 GMT -6
When I go through our pre-season meeting, one of the powerpoint slides has this on it: 5 Reasons Your Son Is Not Playing As Much As You Would Like 1) He misses too many practices 2) He doesn't work hard in practice 3) He has a bad attitude and isn't coachable 4) He doesn't know what he is doing 5) He is not aggressive enough and is a liability to other kids I tell the parents that if they are going to ask me why their son isn't playing more, there is a 99.9% chance that the answer is going to be one of the above. I seldom have parents ask me about playing time.  |
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Post by 19delta on Jan 7, 2012 21:51:31 GMT -6
When dealing with parents, you kind of have to be a politician. Say something positive... I NEVER say something positive unless there is something positive to say. My experience has been that when parents want to engage you in a conversation about playing time or positions, what they are really trying to do is get you back on your heels and bully you into making concessions. Parents generally know whether or not their kids are slugs...what they are doing by talking with you about playing time is relying on your good manners and the natural instinct most people have to avoid confrontation. What they are counting on is that you will be caught off-guard and will quickly commit verbally to playing their son more simply to avoid what can be an awkward conversation. When I was a young coach, I made that mistake. Not anymore. The few times parents have wanted to talk about playing time or why their son was playing a position they didn't want them to play, I was BRUTALLY honest. My thought is...if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. |
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Post by los on Jan 7, 2012 22:37:15 GMT -6
Ha Ha! Now thats good stuff there Delta!
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Post by Coach JR on Jan 13, 2012 13:30:01 GMT -6
When I go through our pre-season meeting, one of the powerpoint slides has this on it: 5 Reasons Your Son Is Not Playing As Much As You Would Like 1) He misses too many practices 2) He doesn't work hard in practice 3) He has a bad attitude and isn't coachable 4) He doesn't know what he is doing 5) He is not aggressive enough and is a liability to other kids I tell the parents that if they are going to ask me why their son isn't playing more, there is a 99.9% chance that the answer is going to be one of the above. I seldom have parents ask me about playing time. I know quite a few that would call 2-5 the coaches fault. |
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