Definetly the funniest thing Ive heard in a while

Tee hee...

I once told my defense I wanted them to go "biblical" on the opponent. They didn't really get it.

You're horrible. I love it.

I tell my kids that I teach a covert ops class at night. When they ask when and where I say, "If you have to ask that question, you're not qualified to attend."

I fought in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, and I was the last man off the embassy roof in Saigon. I've been in the CIA and the Secret Service. I was a spy and I used the cover name Bruce Springstein and had a singing career so I could travel the world and do spy stuff. Just look up Bruce Springstein on Google if you don't believe me. I had to have cosmetic surgery to change my appearance once my cover got blown.

I got into teaching as a narc to bust up a big mafia drug ring, and the puniest, most scholarly male teacher in the school is a Kung Fu Master who is teaching me the five fingered exploding heart death touch.

When they finally come to the conclusion that I'm pulling their leg, I wink and say, "that's exactly what I want you to think."

One would have to be of a certain age to appreciate Col. Flagg reference...

"I am the wind."

That's not Col Flagg, it's Capt Goldberg. Tomorrow it'll be Lt. Carter. Yesterday it was Maj. Brooks. No one can pull the truth out of him because even he doesn't know what it is.

I once told a class that I was leaving teaching to go work for a casino in Vegas. When prompted by the class as to what job it was, I told them I was working in the sports betting department and my job was to sit at the bar in the casino where sports bets were placed and give unsolicited advice to the people placing bets. I really yucked it up, though, and included many unbelieveable details. Well, or soI thought

The next day after class, I felt horrible because a girl came into my room, all teared up to tell me how much she'd miss me, and gave me a farewell card! And then, the day after that, the principal saw me and with a disgusted look on his face, said,"You're really leaving me in the middle of the year to work at a casino?!" He was dead serious!

Great stuff. We have a former coach at our school that still helps us with stats on Friday nights. I told the kids that he came to Missouri to help the Confederates fight in the Civil War and then just hung around to coach football afterwards. Many of them believe me.

Not football but I help out with wrestling. This is only my 3rd year around the sport but I was telling some of the kids something one day and they asked if it would really work, I told them "it should, thats the exact move I used to beat the East German national champ in the 1982 pan american games to win the gold." All but 2 or 3 wrestlers still believe that I was in the 82 pan am games and won the gold and the legend continues to grow, I have no clue if wrestling was a sport for the pan am and no idea if it was in 82 but the best part is I was born in 1984.

One day I was running the Jugs machine and one of my freshman said, "man coach, you are great at that." I told him that is why I was getting called up to the NFL at the end of the season. At the end of the season banquet he and his father came up to me to wish me luck next year and was wondering if I could send them some Carolina Panthers t-shirts when I got to my new job.

When they built our new gym in 1973 all the teachers talked about the pool under the gym floor. We were never sure why this was the big rumor or where it even came from until we saw this. (skip to the 3:00 mark after it loads)

There was a pool under our gym floor, but you had to take the elevator to get there, and you couldn't ride the elevator without a ticket. Some of us older guys made a lot of money selling elevator tickets to freshman.

I am the assistant varsity wrestling coach this season and the other night we had an away match against a school we had never wrestled. They had an albino kid on the team, and during the match, our heavyweight looks at me and says, "Coach, I always thought that albino people were a myth, but now I've seen one."

I was the OC last year and our HC retired after the season. One of my players I have in class asked me before we got out for Christmas break if I would be back to "play offensive coordinator" next season. I said, well i'm not sure, I think i'd rather play special teams next year.