Jokes to tell kids, to start off practice loose

my HS coach had a dry-wit and was a great guy. He used to always talk about being focussed and being disciplined, being tough......so he'd quiet us all down and talk about the next opponent is for real - consequently, he would direct his attention to the ugliest (hopeless) guy on the team and say...."and that means, _____, especially.... no sex until after the game" (this guy had no hope of getting laid before or after the game, anyway)

I'm not sure you can get away with saying that today but it was perfect.

The subtle cracks - not big 'jokes' are the most effective (for lightening the mood) and let kids know you're human (without being a slappy). An easy way to inject levity (i've found) is just to stop a group of guys in practice, and declare a paper-rock-scissors competition. 8 seconds and done - no explanations needed and you get a pseduo-competition in. OR just offer / solicit a true/false gambit (ala, "who's hotter? Beyonce or Ke$ha?.....) , redirects attention ON the kids (personality) without breaking form

Some random ones I've been working on.......
People who download a Vanilla Ice song get a bad rap

I wonder if John Travolta and Kelly Preston will name their new boy “replacement”?

Why is GRAY’S ANATOMY such a popular TV show? The book is SOOOO BORING. I swear you need a medical degree to get through it.

I’ve been walking my whole life and there’s still no cure for cancer. Not sure that works.

“Parents Just Don’t Understand” is Will Smith’s best song about almost statutory raping a twelve year old.

If there was a video game called “Sleeping With Your Eyes Open At Work” I would be killing it right now.

I wonder what Justin Timberlake is bringing back right now

Thinking about breaking out of my Comfort Zone and moving into a Comfort 4-3

According to WEBMD I have something called “Your computer is not connected to the internet”

Turns out, Waldos been looking for Nemo this entire time.

When does the new season of Mel Gibson Tapes begin.

I’m so done hanging out with kids….they can’t drink for {censored}

I bet when Madonna wakes up, she remains completely still, looks at her latin ladyboy, and out of the side of her mouth says, “oil can”.

Getting a Superman tattoo doesn’t make you Superman. It makes you supergayballs.

I’m still trying to figure out what kind of wood they use to make Butterfingers

I wonder if baseball players ever try to speed the game along by thinking about sex?

The Kraken wants to know if it can come back in

The secret to juggling chainsaws is making sure people don’t see your lips move when you make the chainsaw sounds

There’s a special place in hell for people who overuse clichés

Jihadists will eventually realize that even getting 72 of them isn’t such a bargain given that virgins break the first time you use them.

I bet young Mickey Rourke took shits that look better than present day Mickey Rourke

Thought this guy was singing about his turbulent, homosexual relationship. Turns out it was just Christian rock

I’m not trying to brag or anything but my in-laws are dead.

Dear Huey Lewis and the News. Your music sounds like you never did drugs. Not even once. So, do you REALLY need a new one?

If I had ESP I think I would know it

football.about.com/od/nationalfootballleague/tp/insultingjokes.htm

Of course you will have to explain the Wonderlic one! LOL