Coach-Player Relationship:

I agree with superpower.

I coach what you people call inner-city kids.

You are always the adult, the teacher-coach. That's your role.

You certainly can help with non-football issues, but your relationship should not change.

Always can count on Brophy. Thanks.

One of the best friendships I have now is with a former coach. I guess some would say that the line was blurry when I played for him, but it was never a question of who was in charge or anything. We both really knew each other and spent a ton of time together in meetings, on the field, in indy, etc... Once I graduated and went off to college, I kept in touch with him and 3 years ago when he go the HC job out here in CA, I moved here to be his DC. Now we are friends and it is a great friendship.

I have heard many administrators warn about not getting too close to the kids and keeping a large distance between them, but to me, if you really want to impact their lives in a positive way, you have to become close with them. I have had position meetings at my house where all the kids come over and we play playstation and swim in the pool. It builds a trust and a friendship between the players and yourself, but it has never crossed the line. I have a player getting ready to start his sophomore year at a juco out here and we still talk once or twice a month. I wouldn't say we are "bff's" or anything, but I would say that we have a friendship that has carried past his days of playing for me. Hopefully when he is done playing, I can get him to help me coach the same way my coach did.

Groundchuck nailed it: "You can be friendly, yet not be their friend"

Those kids often need someone (an adult) they can trust on & off the field...

That's not the easiest part of the job, obviously

Many coaches say the same ole, "they don't have to like me but they need to respect me" line. To me, the kids darn well better like you. You ask them to an awful lot and if they do not like you good luck. I have heard very many quality coaches say, you better be a kids friend, but not it buddy. There is a big difference between the two.

Agree with airman for the most part. Seen some smart alphas that were successful coaches, but agree with the rest.

I demand a lot but always hold myself to that standard and above, same for my coaches. Hate seeing lack of discipline in coaches.

I rarely see the buddy buddy coach excelling or his kids excelling. Backwards hat guy using the latest schizzle slang with the facebook page that shows kids he's "one of them" from an arrested development standpoint. They already have that in their lives, they dont need an older version of it, kids see right through that BS. If it isnt BS, then coach has some growing up to do before he coaches kids.

You can develop trust in your players and keep a reasonable buffer. You show you care, you are encouraging, you let them know who influenced you and why, you demonstrate your consistency and dependability- stuff they can bank on. Kids trust me because of my consistency and the fact they know I care and I know my stuff. They see it in how I work with all the kids no matter their ability, how I act off the field etc

I can tell a joke and smile without being the court jester. I can show I care without being a bff. I can be "legit" in their eyes without listening to their music, using their slang or wearing their clothes. That just makes you LESS legit in their eyes, a joke IMO- I coach little kids up to 8th grade.

Really how much do you know about Bobby Knight?

Have you ever read the stuff that the vast majority of his former players have written and said about him? Have you ever read about how much money he has donated to library funds at universities he has worked at? Have you ever read about the fact that he set endowment scholarships for his assistants children to go to college?

Obviously his temper has been highlighted in the media, but let's not completely throw a good and well respected man under the bus?

Especially since this thread was about coach/player relationships an area in which he has had a great success!

This is a fine line and once you cross it, you will struggle all season with the kids.

I am a very positive coach that's full of energy and it seems to work for me. I have fun with my players and they know that they can always come talk to me about things. However, they also know that I am in charge and I make that known very early on. I'm not the true 'alpha male', but I the kids know my boundaries.

But, this is something that I have had to tinker with over time. Early on in my career, I was way too friendly with the kids as that is what I thought building a relationship with them was. But, it didn't work and I lost control over several of my players in a hurry. I then kicked over into more of a 'dictator' style of coach and that didn't work for me or for the kids. It's just not in my nature to be that way.

So, I had to find that happy medium so that I didn't come across as Jekyll and Hyde. But, it was pretty simple for me to figure that one out; I just carefully watch my tone when I have to jump a kid over anything. It's amazing how just bringing my voice down from positive and pleasant to neutral can effect the kids; I don't need to holler at them to keep them inline.

One problem I'm having is that since I'm still young and bored at college a lot, I play a lot of X-Box. I have X-Box live and some of my current and former seventh grade players are trying to add me as gamer friends and join me in Call of Duty, NCAA Football, etc. Anyone have an opinion on this? Accept their invites or not?

I have thought about this subject often, being that I'm just a sophomore in college. I have basically realized that since I know most of the current varsity players on a personal level, I am just a buddy to a lot of them and not an authority figure. I coach seventh grade though, and after a few years, I've realized that the "authority figure" will develop over time. It's difficult now because I'm technically a part of their generation and share the same interests as all the player.

Some people live to work and some people work to live.

I prefer to be the latter. Don't know anyone who is truly happy who lives to work. Including several multimillionaires. My grandfather who made millions in his life told me the biggest mistake he ever made in his life was being a workaholic and that waiting until retirement to enjoy yourself is a waste of your life.

Airman,
Great post.

I am not saying be a workaholic. on the contrary, the men I talked to did very little work at home. when I mean self education one taught himself the game of chess by watching videos and reading books. he is a chess master.

they all read all sorts of books. as one told me TV engages nothing in your mind unless it is an educational program like on pbs. one guy was a master wood carver. he used to turn wood bowls. he taught himself how to do it. when you engage your mind in problem solving activities you keep your brain younger.

Former princeton basketball coach peter carrill wrote a great book titled the smart take from the strong.