|
|
Post by chadp56 on Nov 1, 2007 17:40:26 GMT -6
Our banquet is coming up on Monday. I'm just wondering if anyone has a good clean joke that would help me start it off on the right foot.
|
|
|
|
Post by eickst on Nov 1, 2007 17:51:59 GMT -6
I just flew in and boy are my arms tired?
|
|
|
|
Post by wingt74 on Nov 1, 2007 19:42:22 GMT -6
Parents, I'd like to thank you all for coming...if you hadn't, I wouldn't have had a team to coach.
|
|
|
|
Post by Yash on Nov 1, 2007 19:46:53 GMT -6
If it can include the word testicle, I have a good one.
|
|
|
|
Post by carookie on Nov 1, 2007 21:35:00 GMT -6
Although he said clean I'd just like to let you know that was one of the funnier things I've seen in a while. Kudos
|
|
|
|
Post by dblwngr on Nov 1, 2007 22:26:45 GMT -6
Parents, I'd like to thank you all for coming...if you hadn't, I wouldn't have had a team to coach. LMAO!! Yeah, its going to be tought to top that one. |
|
|
|
Post by coachorr on Nov 4, 2007 1:06:55 GMT -6
If our HC said, "I'll keep this short and sweet".
If you really wanted to be a jerk you could use the old:
"We were slow and weak this year, but we were small".
More positive if you had some close games:
"Parents, we as a staff appreciate your support, next season when so-and-so has to kick the game winner, we would ask that a few of you would bring your oxygen to the sideline to share with our staff as he is kicking it"
Followed by: "In the event of a failure of this craft, be sure to afix your oxygen mask before aiding one of the coaches.....we don't all want to be passed out on the sideline. my wife would be upset and your kids wouldn't have a ride home."
If the crowd is dead, move on with the announcements. If they are in an uproar, say this:
"Me being the HC.... and being the one who might have the biggest episode on the sideline, I might need someone to provide CPR, 'Dan' please instruct your wife that it is five breaths for every ten chest compressions".
|
|
|
|
Post by foster on Mar 4, 2023 20:21:37 GMT -6
I figured out how much a football player sweat during the course of a season… took a Gatorade jug and filled it with that amount of water…. Explained to the parents what the large jug of water represented… poured it into another jug so the audience could see the volume of sweat and then commented: “Now, I’m not in the habit of proposing toasts at football awards banquets, but this amount of honest sweat left on the practice and game fields by each of our players this season is deserving of recognition and is deserving of a salute!”
I then dunked a paper cup in to the open thermos, filled it up and chugged it spilling half of it down the front of my shirt (being a little bezerk is an important part of my M.O.), crushed the cup in my hands and chucked it down in front of me on the floor… received an enthusiastic and laughing ovation!
Use it or lose it!
|
|
sbackes
Sophomore Member
Posts: 215
|
Post by sbackes on Mar 4, 2023 20:36:49 GMT -6
Thank you to the parents for (insert long list of things they do here), but most of all for the play call suggestions yelled from the stands. Ever since I just started listening to you I’ve been able to play golf on Saturdays instead of wasting time game-planning.
|
|
|
|
Post by foster on Mar 4, 2023 20:43:38 GMT -6
We held our banquet a week after Brian Kelly left Note Dame for LSU. I’m just the JV head coach. I had an assistant dial my cell number once I took the microphone at the banquet, held the phone near the mic so that the audience could hear it… explained to the audience: “Excuse me for just a moment… I need to take this call.” (some in the audience couldn’t believe I could possibly do this… those who knew me well already knew something was up)
“Hello… yes, this is Coach Foster… oh, it is, well good evening father, …just to be clear, I am currently speaking to the President at the University of Notre Dame?… yes, I have heard that there’s an opening in South Bend… You say that I stand at the top of your candidates list?… no, living in South Bend in the winter months would be just fine with me… yes, being the head coach at Notre Dame is certainly an opportunity I’d think seriously about… Do I have any questions? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, just one: what is the coaching salary I’d be offered at the University of Notre Dame? Well, I’m just doing some quick mental math here, that salary is about a multiplier of 5000 TIMES the amount I’m making coaching JV football here…. Tell you what, let me speak with our AD tomorrow, father, and I’ll get back with you!
Received with smiles, surprise, and laughter at our banquet.
|
|
|
|
Post by foster on Mar 4, 2023 20:53:58 GMT -6
At the all sports recognition banquet in the Fall after a tough season:
“I’d like to congratulate Coach ______ on a fantastic Cross Country season. Ending the season with three 4th place finishes, four 2nd place finishes, and two 1st place finishes at various jamborees is quite an achievement.
Our football team enjoyed a similar experience: we came in 1st place twice and 2nd place seven times!”
|
|
|
|
Post by fantom on Mar 5, 2023 12:44:31 GMT -6
There were years when our "highlights" tape was good slapstick.
|
|
|
|
Post by coachcb on Mar 6, 2023 10:22:32 GMT -6
"Thanks for the 'For Sale' signs, folks. They saved my realtor some time and money."
|
|
|
|
Post by bulldogsdc on Mar 6, 2023 10:59:06 GMT -6
Thank admin, assistants and wives and then get on with it....
|
|
coachtconkle
Freshmen Member
"Perfection is not attainable; but, if we chase perfection we can catch excellence" – V. Lombardi
Posts: 60 
|
Post by coachtconkle on Mar 6, 2023 11:34:30 GMT -6
Some really good ideas shared. Thanks!
|
|
|
|
Post by woodyboyd on Mar 6, 2023 14:26:23 GMT -6
“The best place I ever coaches was an orphanage, but this one is second.”
|
|
|
|
Post by IronmanFootball on Mar 7, 2023 11:54:14 GMT -6
Our banquet is coming up on Monday. I'm just wondering if anyone has a good clean joke that would help me start it off on the right foot. One time I asked who to thank for the open bar and wound up "in trouble" so don't use that one. |
|
