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Post by hsrose on Dec 16, 2015 10:42:59 GMT -6
I am a tea drinker. I don't drink coffee, I make it for my wife in the mornings before I leave (lots of points for that!!), but I'm not a coffee guy. So, in my office I have a microwave and small refrigerator, usually a case of bottled water, and my boxes of tea. You know, the grey box, the red box, the yellow box. I tear off the lids so the boxes are just sitting there with the tea bags so I can grab them easily. They are sitting on a shelf thing but they are open so I can get them as the morning progresses - start with the grey, then the red, and then the yellow if its one of those really busy days.
Having a post-season meeting last week with the OL and a sophomore keeps staring at my 'kitchen' setup and looks bothered by something. He keeps this up, it's in obvious distraction to him. We're going over things, watching some HUDL for review, but he keeps looking at my kitchen setup. I see him turn to the player next to him and whisper something, the other player brushes him off, we keep going.
I can tell he's getting more and more bothered by something so I stop the meeting, and ask him what's the deal, what is so distracting to him. He looks really sheepish and says "Coach, I know it's really none of my business, but, why do you have so many condoms sitting out like that?
The meeting was pretty much over after that.
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Post by John Knight on Dec 16, 2015 11:07:27 GMT -6
That right there is flippin hilarious!
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Post by Defcord on Dec 16, 2015 11:11:14 GMT -6
I thought there was a "teabag" joke coming...nice curveball. Great story!
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Post by coachphillip on Dec 16, 2015 11:18:08 GMT -6
"Well, there are about 120 boys in our program, son. And your moms are coming in for the end of season meeting with me later today."
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Post by chi5hi on Dec 16, 2015 15:53:43 GMT -6
"Well, there are about 120 boys in our program, son. And your moms are coming in for the end of season meeting with me later today." Oh, Nooooo!
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Post by tango on Dec 16, 2015 15:55:26 GMT -6
Had a kid doing corkscrews in the weight room fall and scream I broke my leg. I'm checking him out and he keeps spelling out the F word. I finally ask him what are you doing. Coach- my dad is a preacher and I can't cuss.
He played in a basketball game the same night.
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Post by coachk1234 on Dec 16, 2015 22:13:31 GMT -6
This is Hilarious
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Post by newt21 on Dec 17, 2015 9:50:09 GMT -6
We were running half-gassers in practice, and one of my defensive linemen comes stumbling over to me and says "Coach, help....my heart won't stop beating", needless to say the kid hasn't lived that one down yet!
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Post by WingTheT on Dec 17, 2015 10:28:16 GMT -6
My story isn't as funny, but after I graduated I was subbing for the school I was coaching at. I had 9th grade Honors English and they were doing some type of project where they had to submit some type of Shakespeare stuff that I don't understand.
Well, this one girl (sweet, innocent, and nice as can be) turns in this paper that was supposed to look like an old letter. It looked cool and the edges were worn down and looked pretty impressive.
So being my nosy self, I asked the student, "Hey <girl's name>, how did you manage to make your paper look like that?"
Girl: "Oh, it's no big deal. I teabagged that!"
That girl's face was red as can be. She didn't say a word the rest of the class period lol
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Post by craines10 on Dec 19, 2015 12:08:21 GMT -6
One of my son's teammates last year had the most insightful exchange with his dad who is an assistant coach on the sideline and I am glad I was there in person! Dad: BOOGIE!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! YOU JUST STOOD THERE!! Son: LOOK...I'm 7 years old...I have never played before..what do you expect? STOP YELLING AT ME!!! Dad: Blank Stare Everyone else on sideline: Agrees that this is the BEST answer EVER in a game!
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Post by bufordtjustice on Feb 16, 2016 11:33:14 GMT -6
We were at an away football game and the home school had us use the weight room for our dressing room. They had an decline bench (for some reason) and one of our backups looks at it an says "Coach, they have an upside down incline!" That line stuck around for a couple of years.
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Post by hunhdisciple on Feb 16, 2016 14:08:20 GMT -6
My first year, I was in charge of making sure a freshman did his punishment bear crawls. I don't even remember what it was for.
He was going around the EZ, and half way through he makes a noise. Something like "herrrrnnng" would be most accurate. Keeps going, makes the noise again. Rounds the last corner, and he ripped a fart and then stops. Stands up, with his head down and mumbles "icramapan." Tell him I can't hear him. He mumbles the same thing, I tell him I can't understand him again.
I walk towards him, and the smell hits me. With so much shame in his eyes, he looks and me and says (in the thickest redneck accent possible, from a fat kid who hasn't hit puberty yet) ”Coach, I s--t my britches." Sure enough, the smell of death confirmed it. He pooped his pants.
Luckily, it was after practice. Unluckily, we had white practice pants that year. He put his pants in a trash bag and threw them in the dumpster.
I never told anybody about it, but it was awful.
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Post by John Knight on Feb 16, 2016 15:31:25 GMT -6
That is some funny $hit!!!
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Post by newt21 on Feb 16, 2016 18:17:11 GMT -6
My first year, I was in charge of making sure a freshman did his punishment bear crawls. I don't even remember what it was for. He was going around the EZ, and half way through he makes a noise. Something like "herrrrnnng" would be most accurate. Keeps going, makes the noise again. Rounds the last corner, and he ripped a fart and then stops. Stands up, with his head down and mumbles "icramapan." Tell him I can't hear him. He mumbles the same thing, I tell him I can't understand him again. I walk towards him, and the smell hits me. With so much shame in his eyes, he looks and me and says (in the thickest redneck accent possible, from a fat kid who hasn't hit puberty yet) ”Coach, I s--t my britches." Sure enough, the smell of death confirmed it. He pooped his pants. Luckily, it was after practice. Unluckily, we had white practice pants that year. He put his pants in a trash bag and threw them in the dumpster. I never told anybody about it, but it was awful. Some kids will do ANYTHING to get out of conditioning...
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Post by coachwoodall on Feb 16, 2016 18:58:58 GMT -6
Oh, we had a shart attack one year. Middle school kids were bused over for after school, off season work outs. Kids coming from 2 different middle schools on 3 different buses, the ACs are hurrying the kids from the visitors locker room to the track got warm ups. We do the dynamic warm up then get them into the stands waiting for the strength coach to cone and give them the routine.
The HC is there that day and going to give a rousing speech as we we wait for the strength coach to arrive. The HC was there during the warm ups and lie the ACs, got a whiff of turd. The HC says, "Guys check you shoes, somebody stepped in dog poop". Nobody owns up. HC says, "Guys SOMEBODY has dog mess on heir shoe".
A kid points to the kid beside him and says, "He's got something on his shoe". That kid reaches down and checks the smear on his leg/shoes with his finger. The HC had moved nearby and saw, then says, "Hay! Don't touch it!"
The kid had shart his pants in warm up because of the hurry to get out to he track. HC had to go help clean the kid up and deal with the parent questions.
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Post by coachcotner on Feb 16, 2016 19:32:36 GMT -6
*insert obligatory that's what she said joke......but seriously 2 years ago I'm on the bus home from a jv a game and a kid yells for me. I walk back there hering 6-7 kids giggling and ask what the deal was. Kid looks me in the eyes and with the straightest face possible asks "Coach, where's the weirdest spot you've been laid? ". I look at the kid and tell him to never ask me crap like that again and just walk back to my seat shaking my head.
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Post by craines10 on Feb 17, 2016 13:23:20 GMT -6
This past season we are playing a team in our conference who is decent..but their best player is going to Ohio State so in our kids eyes the entire team is going to Ohio State. It was the first "cold" game we had this year and we had a few players making excuses about the cold. At halftime the HC is trying to pump the kids up and his speech gets derailed due to our best WR brutal honesty/being a butt hole....
HC: They got (D1 kids name) out there...ya'll should be hype...trying to take it to him every play. Its scouts out there. This is the time to impress. Go out there and ball out..dont worry about the cold. I tell you one person thats not cold...KJ aint cold are you KJ?
KJ: Yeah Coach its cold out there....
HC: He just trying to be funny..he not really cold
KJ: Yes I am....especially when the defense out there...
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Post by s73 on Feb 17, 2016 16:29:15 GMT -6
Oh, we had a shart attack one year. Middle school kids were bused over for after school, off season work outs. Kids coming from 2 different middle schools on 3 different buses, the ACs are hurrying the kids from the visitors locker room to the track got warm ups. We do the dynamic warm up then get them into the stands waiting for the strength coach to cone and give them the routine. The HC is there that day and going to give a rousing speech as we we wait for the strength coach to arrive. The HC was there during the warm ups and lie the ACs, got a whiff of turd. The HC says, "Guys check you shoes, somebody stepped in dog poop". Nobody owns up. HC says, "Guys SOMEBODY has dog mess on heir shoe". A kid points to the kid beside him and says, "He's got something on his shoe". That kid reaches down and checks the smear on his leg/shoes with his finger. The HC had moved nearby and saw, then says, "Hay! Don't touch it!" The kid had shart his pants in warm up because of the hurry to get out to he track. HC had to go help clean the kid up and deal with the parent questions. I know this isn't a kid thing but reminded me of a story I think is worth sharing. I was an assistant about 15-17 years ago and we hired a young new guy. He was a sped teacher & kind of a doofus. One day he was in class and he says "man smells like sh!t in here, everybody check your shoes". All the kids are checking them and nothing. He starts freaking out, telling the kids "this is unbearable, I'm not teaching a class all day that smells like sh!t now check your shoes!" A student checks her shoes again looks up blankly at him and then says Mr.-----, it's not our shoes it your shirt". He looks down and he has a huge sh!t stain all over his shirt. Turns out, his dog got out of the house that morning, he chased it down, it was one of those tiny little types so he scooped it up and carried it back home and it sh!t all over his shirt without him even realizing it. Went to his first class with dogs!t all over him. Like I said kind of a doofus. Last I heard he was an assistant superintendent. So much for public education.
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Post by coachwoodall on Feb 17, 2016 18:00:39 GMT -6
We had a kid, many moons ago, wasn't a player but was a SpEd kid who wanted to help the team. Kids called him Chitty. Seemed he was scared to use the facilities and would roll one down his pant leg and flick it in the hallway.
I didn't make the connection until one game day I grabbed him to go help me fill the coolers with ice, and in my truck I was gacking over the smell.
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Post by coachirish on Feb 17, 2016 18:31:47 GMT -6
Had a sped kids back when i was an assistant coach named Marty. First day of summer conditioning he shows up and has never been in a weight room. Head coach says get marty just do some curls for a bit to get the hang of lifting. .. he proceeds to marty how to curl and then walks off forgetting all about him. About twenty minutes later an assistant sees marty drenched in sweat and struggling to get the 15 pound dbs up. Whats going on Marty says the assistant? Marty says coach told me to curl but didn't tell me when to quit. The poor kid had been curling non stop for twenty minutes.
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Post by hunhdisciple on Feb 18, 2016 2:14:43 GMT -6
My first year, we went to camp at a nearby university. It was hot. Like, blazing hot.
It was close to a record breaking heat wave, in the south, on turf, in the afternoon.
Anyway, it's our second full day and we were basically trying to make some of the kids cry that practice. One of those practices where everything is just a test to see who can go and who can lead, things like that.
It's after lunch, and this lineman ducks out of a drill to go puke. He goes to the trashcan, and proceeds to throw up right beside it, not in it. No one is really looking at him, until he starts screaming. He's absolutely hysterical. "Oh my god, there's blood! Coach! Coach! Coach! There's blood! I'm throwing up blood! Oh god, oh god. I need an ambulance!"
So, naturally, several of us go over to check on him. It's a lot of vomit. And it's bright pink and has a distinct smell to it. We ask whet he drank at lunch. No water, just 3 bottles of red Powerade. We ask what it tastes like, and when he realizes what it is, he catches the fact that the entire team watched him lose his mind after throwing up Powerade.
For the rest of the season, kids kept calling him Fruit Punch. And if someone ever threw up, someone would ask if it was blood or Powerade.
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orion320
Sophomore Member
"Don't tell me about the labor just show me the baby!"
Posts: 211
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Post by orion320 on Feb 18, 2016 21:23:07 GMT -6
Last season, one of our starting corners was a senior who didn't play freshman or sophomore year and had an injury during his junior year. Kid honestly knew next to nothing about football.
We are a few games into the season and we only ran Cover 3 until we came across a team that we could man up against and early in the game he lined up in the neutral zone so we got a penalty. About halfway through the 3rd quarter I realized that he was telling the official "I'm off, I'm off." I told the official, "don't worry, he has no idea whats going on," the official replied "he's been doing this the entire game."
So for the rest of the season when we would review coverages the other corners would ask, "Coach, are we on or off for this?"
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Post by coachbdud on Feb 18, 2016 21:49:27 GMT -6
In me class I have a large, heavy set African American kid who in his mind... Is nicki Minaj
Nice kid, has an A in my class, but as flamboyant as you'll ever see
It was cold one day last week
He walks out of locker room and yells
"F**k it's colder than a polar bear's pu$$y out here"
I lost it
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Post by coachcotner on Feb 22, 2016 14:06:04 GMT -6
In me class I have a large, heavy set African American kid who in his mind... Is nicki Minaj Nice kid, has an A in my class, but as flamboyant as you'll ever see It was cold one day last week He walks out of locker room and yells "F**k it's colder than a polar bear's pu$$y out here" I lost it Jesus.....haha
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Post by coachjamesd on Feb 23, 2016 8:57:46 GMT -6
In me class I have a large, heavy set African American kid who in his mind... Is nicki Minaj Nice kid, has an A in my class, but as flamboyant as you'll ever see It was cold one day last week He walks out of locker room and yells "F**k it's colder than a polar bear's pu$$y out here" I lost it That is glorious. One of my favorite lines about the cold comes from a book I read in high school, Bringing Down The House. One of the blackjack team players says to the table dealer, "It's colder than a witch's t!t in a brass bra." I still use that phrase from time to time.
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Post by coachwoodall on Feb 23, 2016 20:44:47 GMT -6
In me class I have a large, heavy set African American kid who in his mind... Is nicki Minaj Nice kid, has an A in my class, but as flamboyant as you'll ever see It was cold one day last week He walks out of locker room and yells "F**k it's colder than a polar bear's pu$$y out here" I lost it That is glorious. One of my favorite lines about the cold comes from a book I read in high school, Bringing Down The House. One of the blackjack team players says to the table dealer, "It's colder than a witch's t!t in a brass bra." I still use that phrase from time to time. Way off topic, but I knew what a witch's tit was long before high school, that's what construction guys call a plumb bob. Then again the phrase I got was "colder than a witche's teat in a brass bra doing push ups in the snow.
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Post by coachtua on Feb 23, 2016 23:21:20 GMT -6
In me class I have a large, heavy set African American kid who in his mind... Is nicki Minaj Nice kid, has an A in my class, but as flamboyant as you'll ever see It was cold one day last week He walks out of locker room and yells "F**k it's colder than a polar bear's pu$$y out here" I lost it Colder than a well diggers a$$ in January...
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Post by utchuckd on Mar 13, 2016 17:04:52 GMT -6
So last week I've got my group of 6th-7th graders sitting in the bleachers in the gym after school waiting for time to start workouts, and they're sitting in little groups talking when, out of the blue, and to the whole group, Thing 1 says: "We talked about anal sex today in teen living."
To which Thing 2 replies, "Yeah, anal, oral, herpes, HIV and the AIDS."
You remember that scene in Jurassic Park when the girl has the jello on the spoon and looks up and sees the velociraptors? Yeah that's pretty much what I looked like.
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Post by Coach Bennett on Mar 14, 2016 4:46:06 GMT -6
We are shooting the chit after a game when I notice a few dudes giving another player a hard time about a girl and the smile she just gave him. He has a girlfriend so I say, "hey, just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu."
His reply: "Yeah, but coach I ain't never gone to a restaurant and not eaten!"
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Post by John Knight on Mar 14, 2016 6:29:41 GMT -6
Say What???
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