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Post by morris on May 7, 2010 7:31:57 GMT -6
I currently do not have a family but it is something I believe is going to be coming around in the the future. Now we all know that this game takes up a crazy amount of time and either you are single, catch a bunch of crap over it or you are lucky to be with someone that understands.
Now I am lucky enough to be on a close staff. Past me everyone has kids and family time is important to us all. I wondering how many of you guys do stuff as a staff with families. Get everyone together to eat or things like that. Almost like an extended family type of thing. Be it during the season, offseason or whenever.
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Post by cnunley on May 7, 2010 7:37:56 GMT -6
In my case, all us coaches and coaches wifes are all really good friends.
We typically have some type of get-together every so often where wifes, kids, everyone comes. Wifes chit-chat while us coaches talk football over a few cold ones.
It definitately makes things a lot easier and smoother come football season.
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Post by coachgup on May 7, 2010 8:15:04 GMT -6
When we meet over the summer we meet at our HC's house. Our wives and kids all hang out by the pool while we do our work. It's worked out well. We sometimes get together post games at one of our homes. Keeps us out of the bars.
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Post by morris on May 7, 2010 9:06:56 GMT -6
After next Tuesday I wont have a wife. She has been gone for a few months. Football was an issue and well I'm still coaching. She knew I was never going to back down on that one. I know as a staff we all are close. My soon to be xwife was never around the staff or games. It just makes sense to me when I think about our staff to do things as families together. Almost like a staff building type thing. Helps build a network for everyone since lets face it putting up with us can be a PITA
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Post by coachknight on May 7, 2010 9:38:15 GMT -6
My HC is my brother-in-law. We sometimes have impromptu "staff meetings" at family get-togethers. Seriously, it helps that our wives are sisters and we have kids close in age. Plus, my family loves football.
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Post by morris on May 7, 2010 9:45:21 GMT -6
My sister was already taken. Yeah I know Paintsville. I am happier than I have been in I don't know how long. I do know if I am going to ever do it again it is going to be different. One of those things is being more involved as a staff together in some ways. It just makes sense.
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Post by coachwoodall on May 7, 2010 10:11:25 GMT -6
A couple of years ago I did a head count of every coach I had worked with that was married. Over 1/2 of them were either not coaching anymore or had been through a divorce.
It helps that you are single and coaching and then getting married verses being married and then getting into coaching. She will at least know up front what she is geting into. However, you both have to be honest with each other. You have to make it clear that you are going to coach ( I'm assuming that you plan on coaching as long as you can) and she has to be clear that she will support you in this.
Coaching is no different time wise than any other labor/time intensive occupation..... You won't be home. The important thing is to make the time you have together work.
My Daddy worked the railroad. I remember not seeing him for a week at a time because he would either be gone or asleep. It wasn't until my sophmore year in high school (when I earned a starting varsity role) that he was able to work his schedule to be home on Friday nights. My parents made it work.
Relationships work when both people communicate. If you do that, things work. I am not saying there will not be rocky times, but those tough times won't last as long or be quite as bad. Me and my wife disagree all the time, but the thing I love about her the most is that she is honest with me and will let me have it if i need it. She doesn't nag, she just talks to me.
here we work long hours in season and out, but that is nothing special. We come in, get our work done and go home. We socialize after the hay is in the barn. Don't get me wrong, we have fun doing what we are doing. Working on a staff that is cohesive is a HUGE plus. We get together for planned and unplanned gatherings.
Personally it is tough for me because I am not from this community and the grandmas are not close by so we don't have built in baby sitters like many of the other coaches. I don't go to all the coaches socials, but when I can I do.
The important thing I tell my wife is that when I am done, I come home. I don't go to a local pub and hang out. I don't take off and go fishing. I don't go hunting. Not that I don't want to, but I would rather take my girl exploring the woods looking for unicorns (age 10), light sabre fight with little man (7), or hold my big boy and make him laugh (6 months).
Am I the best father in the world? NO. Am I the best husband in the world? NO. All I can and want to be is the father of my children and the husband to my wife. If you work on that, then the rest will take care of itself.
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Post by sandstorm on May 7, 2010 10:17:01 GMT -6
Just in my own experience... My wife has always been a football wife. For probably the first 12 years of our marriage she was all for it, thought it was great, was involved, helped out here and there. Then the worm started to turn...the last 8-10 years she stopped helping, even attending the games, started complaining about my time away from home spent on football, etc. She moved out last August. We are still in that get back together/move on gray area but per our last conversation - she said "you're always gone doing something with football, that's gotta change." Both kids are grown 23 & 19...sooooo...I guess that clears up the gray area, I hope she finds what she's looking for. As long as she's supportive, you're in good shape, and I did the get her involved, take her out during the season, spend quality time with her out of season, etc. Didn't matter, when the kids graduated it became a breaking point issue. "Son if the Marine Corp wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one." - I'm just sayin. lol We must have been cut from the same cloth, however I might be a little younger than you. Were you in the USMC as well? In boot camp, they actually told me that.
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Post by flexoption91 on May 7, 2010 10:31:21 GMT -6
My wife understands football is my passion. She knows I am not a half-ass type of guy and if I am going to coach it will be with everything I have. We went through some growing pains with time and committment, but she understands how happy it makes me. I also think she understands what kind of a pain in the {censored} I would be without it.
We have a 5 month old daughter and before we even thought about kids I told her that for at least 10 weeks, and if all goes well some year 15 weeks, football will consume my life. I eat, sleep, and breathe football all year, but during the season she knows the difference. That being said, Saturday nights during the season are all hers. We do what she wants and go where she wants. If she wants to hang out with friends we do that, if she wants to go to dinner/movie we do that, if she wants to just stay at home we do that. When I get home from practice or weights, I turn off football mode and turn on dad/husband mode.
I also think part of what makes it work is that we are both teachers. We have all summer together, or at least about 2 months where I just doing weights and football things here and there. If her or I were in the corporate world we would not have near this time together. We have friends who see eachother a couple hours a night year round, including weekends. Outside of teaching, there is no top end or good job field that affords the flexibility that we get.
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Post by mattharris75 on May 7, 2010 10:32:59 GMT -6
For the first 4 years that I was married and coaching my wife's little brother was our starting QB. She was teaching at the school as well as coaching basketball. So she was emotionally vested in both the school and the football program, which I think helped tremendously. Plus she's just amazing to begin with. As to the topic, we don't really get together and do a lot with staff and families, but our wives are friends and they do talk and get together on their own at times.
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juice10
Sophomore Member
Posts: 200
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Post by juice10 on May 7, 2010 11:14:15 GMT -6
I think it has been said very well here in the previous posts, you need someone who is very understanding and supportive. When I took over as the HC, my wife and I had a long talk about the time issues during the season and out of season in terms of clinics, etc. She has always supported me and makes a point to bring all three of our kids to every game. She has been with me through the thick and thin of my job, and I appreciate that very much. Nothing better than after a win or a loss on the way back to the locker room, my kids are there to give me a hug. Puts everything back into perspective.
It hasn't been easy with the time committment, but posts earlier hit it right on the head. Communication!!!! Since my kids are getting older, I have been able to bring my family with me to the coaching clinics and I can spend time with them when the clinics are slow. This has been a little mini vacation so to speak with our family.
As a comment to the staff, our staff is very similar in age and all have kids. The wives get together during the games and let the kids play and they talk, and we try to get together a couple of times a year, so we coaches can get stuff done and they can chat and let the kids play.
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Post by morris on May 7, 2010 11:27:46 GMT -6
I know the wife thread comes up a couple of times a year. I think most of us get that. Now we might not all do it but we all get what we should do. Football was an issue with my Ex but that whole thing is a competely different issue.
I am at my HC house a good deal. The kids call me Uncle. Two of the other guys on staff have young families. It seemed like doing things as a staff with families would be a benefit.
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Post by airmale on May 7, 2010 11:29:33 GMT -6
When my wife met me I was coaching. I tried to stop for 2 years. She begged me to get back in it because I was driving her crazy! The best thing is we both teach like flexoption said. We have summers and holidays. But I believe the most important thing is she has her "football." She is an aerobics instructor and 4 sometimes more days a week she is teaching Zumba. We get home at the same time. If I wasn't coaching I would be sitting a home all alone. The wives need their own thing. I couldn't be happy carrying her music to aerobics class. I don't expect her to carry my playbook. Weekends after our meeting sat morn are for family. We have 7 year old twin girls. 1ish Sat thru Sun nite are all us. If we get 2gether with coaches & their wives it is because we are friends first. Friends getting 2 gether. And yes we talk fb. Heck I talk fb with my Pastor, traffic cops, English teachers, anybody dumb enuff to stand their and listen.
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Post by gunrun on May 7, 2010 11:41:15 GMT -6
Getting the wife involved is definitely important. Also important is when you get home, flipping the switch and going from coach-mode to husband and dad-mode (big problem with me--the coach-mode switch is hard to keep turned off). Not to get too far off the thread, but having your position players over for dinner is a good way for your wife to see up close the reason why we do what we do and makes the hours we are away from home more bearable for her.
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Post by John Knight on May 7, 2010 11:58:28 GMT -6
My wife is in charge of the after game grub fest. She has a schedule and each coach's wife takes a turn or they pay for pizza at our house. I am not the head coach but my wife is definitely the coach's wife in charge! I am a very lucky man, she wouldn't let me quit coaching if I wanted to!
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Post by rolltide52 on May 7, 2010 12:13:31 GMT -6
When my wife met me I was coaching. I tried to stop for 2 years. She begged me to get back in it because I was driving her crazy! The cloeset my wife and I ever came to divorce was the 6 months I didnt Coach.
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Post by coachwoodall on May 7, 2010 12:45:13 GMT -6
I would rather take my girl exploring the woods looking for unicorns (age 10), light sabre fight with little man (7), or hold my big boy and make him laugh (6 months). Come on now Coach, lets not use our kids as excuses to go searching for unicorns or light sabre fighting. Tell the truth...your kids do those things WITH you...not the other way around. Enjoy it man, it goes quick. Wish my kids were 10 again. Hell, I wish I was 10 again. . I don't know what you're talking about....... I bought that Darth Vader mask for my kid.... yeah that it.... I bought it for my kid... Currently I am learning the joys of little league baseball. 3 games a week plus 2 hour+ practices, games to 9:00+ for a 7 year old. I feel like he is in the majors. Heck I quit taking birthdays after age 10. My little girl can smoke my rind on Guitar Hero. I need to go get some practice.... where's my ax....
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Post by fbcoach33 on May 7, 2010 15:07:00 GMT -6
Im very lucky to have a wife who probably enjoys the game more than I do, but one thing we have made a real point of is looking at every aspect of what we did as a staff/team and we as of staff made sure that we werent spending time as a group, just to be spending time, and were able to cut out any wasted time. also one thing that i have done as a head coach is this, we as a staff come in on sat morn early, break film down, meet with our team etc. and are done by noon at the latest, and the deal we have made with our families is that from that point on the rest of the weekend is family time, and we stick by it, we have a day and half of no football and that goes a long ways in my opinion. in particular having sundays free for family time. we are also lucky because no one we play plays on sat. so there isnt a need to go and scout on sat. Come playoffs things do change but everyone understands. we also do very little in the summer outside of lift, maybe one weekend 7-7 at best and i think that helps. and I would say this is a real serious thing to look at because Ive seen it break up to many families as well.
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Post by airman on May 7, 2010 15:18:15 GMT -6
I was single for many years and just got married a few years ago so my place was kind of a party pad for the guy.
i would have the coaches over and we would grill stakes, watch football on Sundays, drink some beer. the wives would come during the summer to the party I had.
we still have two parties a year but i am 42 with a 33 yr old wife and expecting twins. so one only knows what the future will be. oh, my wife is also the schools athletic trainer so that makes things interesting.
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Post by oguru on May 7, 2010 15:57:13 GMT -6
Wife the HC I work with family is very important. He has the staff over for christmas eve,and then we have a staff get a way after spring ball and before spring recruiting. It is fun b/c we have some young guys on our staff who are single and they don't mind hanging out with the married or in my case engaged coaches. He also lets the coache sleave if their kids have sporting events or other thigns they are doing. Even more impressive is that he makes the ft coaches responsible for their players and has them have their players over for dinner every once in a while. Of course this is a college setting so it's easier to do some of the stuff like having the players over for dinner and stuff like that.
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Post by Defcord on May 7, 2010 16:01:11 GMT -6
Joe Gibbs said in one of his books..."There are no bad wives in football because the bad ones always leave."
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Post by wolfden12 on May 8, 2010 6:11:17 GMT -6
I told my girlfriend of 3.5 years now that when we started dating and I was taking a coaching job on the other side of the city away from our friends that if you want to come I would love to have ya, but football is first. Period. It is my passion and what I love more than anything else. I explained the committments, time away, and sometimes things need done at home. I am an assistant who goes above and beyond to do whatever the coach needs done, needs help with, volunteer for things in hope of being a good assistant and learning more about the profession. We have had our fights and I tell her you what you were getting in to when you came out here. I always tell her when things get tense "there is the door". There are alot of guys out there that can give you more and make you happy, but this is who I am and I am not changing.
The other problem is that out of all our friends and coaches I am the only one not married. It is hard for her to understand and gets us into fights. I am beginning to feel pressure from the HC, his wife and others asking what is my deal. My deal is that I am married to football already. I know she deserves better, but when it happens it happens.
I am on a new staff this year and the coach is really working to get the new staff together along with wives and girlfriends to go out and have some time together. Certain coaches on our staff are closer than others, but he is trying to get everyone involved. This is important for us coaches who don't know each well to spend some more time together and get to know one another better before the long season.
There are alot of great posts on this thread and the one important thing repeated is you better find a woman who understands, one who you can communicate with, and one that is supportive. The football stays the same its life that brings alongs the bumps and how you manage them together will determine if you will stay together.
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Post by rpetrie on May 8, 2010 8:06:26 GMT -6
I think that if a wife is able to recognize that coaching is part of who you are, and that the committment and passion you put into your craft are really admirable qualities that most anyone would want in a partner, then there shouldn't be an issue. It's the OTHER stuff that is really unnecessary...the bars, other non-essential engagements that tear at the family/relationship. Football doesn't have to be 24/7. Heck, I rarely watch an NFL game because its not worth dosing the family with more football...unless she wants to watch. When its football time I'm committed and absorbed, but the switch has to go off at times...even in-season. And I mean mentally as well. We always host a pre-season kickoff party for all coaches & families, and film sessions are at my house. But instead of trying to make it a family carnivale, we do it at Sunday night as to allow as much time during the day for family...and I make it an point that family must come first. I'll take a good coach who's a good family first every time because those are the qualities I want portrayed to our players.
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Post by airmale on May 8, 2010 13:45:09 GMT -6
we still have two parties a year but i am 42 with a 33 yr old wife and expecting twins. Airman I have 7 yr old twin girls. Good Luck! Just kiddin they are the light of my life. But man your life is gonna change!
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Post by airmale on May 8, 2010 13:45:50 GMT -6
Joe Gibbs said in one of his books..."There are no bad wives in football because the bad ones always leave." Wow. No truer words...
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Post by davishfc on May 8, 2010 20:17:06 GMT -6
Outstanding posts fellas. I'm not a husband nor a father yet, though I plan to be in the future. I am a relatively young guy (28) who had an opportunity for a head coaching job at 25 and took it. My girlfriend from college and I had been dating for 2 years and we continued to for another 3 years after graduation when we took teaching jobs in towns 3 hours apart. Ahh, it's what we went to school to do. I was an assistant at 23 and her and I were still dating doing the long distance thing. She'd come up to watch our games during the season and leave early Sunday and we, as a staff would get to work. We'd see each other over the weekends after football and over the summers when I wasn't in the weight room. Lots and lots of traveling...lots and lots of gas.
The strain of being so far apart became too much and football was certainly no help in all of this. There was never any sign that we would be able to be together in the same town. I couldn't give up my teaching job and she did not want to live in the rural area where I had a job. Huge disconnect there. She was always supportive of me coaching but resented the difficulties I had as both an assistant and then head coach due to the weak football culture of the school and area in general. It was a tough job but she stayed with me through it and she was very supportive under the most unfavorable of circumstances. Unfortunately, we ended up calling it quits after 5 years together and what was nearly an engagement. Sad time for me. All of this happened after my first year as head coach. She ended up getting married about a year after we broke up so she is in a better place with someone who can invest the time with her that she so desperately deserves after those years with me.
Thankfully, I have someone in my life now as well who is here in town with me. I can honestly see her being my wife and the mother of my children. She is truly an amazing women and I am the luckiest man to have her in my life. She is very supportive and proud of what I do as a Head Football Coach. She is still challenged all the time by my 24/7 football mentality and I need to improve at proritizing things with her higher than I do most of the time. I wonder what's destined to happen to me when the unofficial statistic is half of coaches are either out of coaching or divorced. I want both and I have the utmost respect for coaches and coaches' wives that make it work for each other and their children. I know that I will work to maintain a balance because I want to be a great boyfriend and coach now and a great husband, father, and coach in the future. If I am committed to make it work, I must be destined to be one of the 50% that stay married and coaching...right? Man I hope so. Football is a great game but I know there is more to life than it. I need to continue to remind myself of that more often and not allow football to alienate me from the people I care so much about. Life is short and I sure as heck don't want to spend it alone.
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Post by fbcoach33 on May 10, 2010 16:55:07 GMT -6
a good book to read on this is Dungys recent book, Uncommon, he gets into this issue quite a bit and i think makes some real good points based on some of the mistakes he made and saw as a coach
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Post by coachcastleman on May 10, 2010 21:38:03 GMT -6
I have an amazing wife and two great kids. My wife was not raised in a sports home, so as first she didn't really understand. We got married young (22) and she has been supportive every step of the way, even though she didn't know what was going on at first. When I got my first coaching job, a JH head coach, she was happy, no kids at the time, so it was easy. Then I got an assistant high school job closer to home, and she liked the people there, so life was still pretty easy. However, when I got my first Head Coaching job three years ago, life became difficult. My kids are getting older and in to more activities and I am always doing football stuff. I am also the AD and head track coach, so I always have something to do. I try to include them as much as possible, my son has been the ball boy all three years. When the stress level is high, I take it home with me too much. However, she knows that I love what I get to do for al living and she continues to support me. When we won our semi-final game this past season to get a trip to state, my wife nearly ran everyone over to get to me on the field. She yelled, "see, it was all worth it" What a great women, I am actually starting to tear up just typing this. Then the next week I got to live a dream of coaching in the state championship, with my son on the field with me as the ball boy. Life is pretty good. Not just because we played in the state championship, but my wife was just as supportive last year when we were 3-6. I have a good one, I need to tell her that more.
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Post by coachdag on May 11, 2010 8:51:44 GMT -6
All the wives of our coaches have what they call "The Grieving Wives Club". Basically they all get together and complain about how much football takes over our lives in the fall.
Is it a strain on them, yes, but they are all friends and do get together and support each other. It makes it a lot easier, especially with kids around. I am lucky in that my wife knows that I love football and I love coaching. As long as I am able to keep up with my responsibilities at home (walking the dog, painting, fixing things around the house, etc) it hasn't been an issue.
It will be really interesting this year since our first child is due to be born in a month, just at the start of our football camp (all the coaches know I won't be around much at the start). Since we are hosting our own camp this year, its not as bad since she has told me that there is no issue with me going to the camp since I'll probably drive her crazy at home!
The other thing that makes it a lot easier is that our HC and all the coaches are family first. Its one of those things where we realize that if life at home is not good, than you are not as an effective as a coach. Luckily, as I said, the wives for the most part get along really well and do things together so they have their own little support group.
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Post by fshamrock on May 12, 2010 12:12:19 GMT -6
reminds me of a funny story..
HC has a system set up where on Saturday's every married coaches wife is going to bring lunch up to the school for everybody to eat, staff cohesion and all that stuff
so one saturday it's the head man's wife's turn to bring the vittles, and she shows up with a big tray of lasagna, while everybody else breaks to eat, one of the coaches goes to subway and grabs a sandwich, says he doesn't like lasagna.....he gets back with his sandwich and gets an f-bomb littered tirade from the header about how he disrespeted his wife, guy was fired at the end of the year
..there's a lot of weird guys in this profession
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