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Post by jpdaley25 on Oct 21, 2008 9:30:11 GMT -6
Here's two to get the ball rolling:
1. After the first day in pads, a 9th grader comes to me and says, "Coach, the doctor said I have to quit football." "What's wrong son?" I said, all concerned. "The doctor said I have a bad case of juvenile arthritis."
2. I'm chewing on a kid for missing practice. "Coach, there was a bad wreck right in front of our driveway and we couldn't get out for hours." "Why didn't you call me and let me know?" I said. The kid thought for a second and said, "The wreck took out the telephone pole and our phones wouldn't work either!"
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Post by airraider on Oct 21, 2008 9:46:40 GMT -6
Here's two to get the ball rolling: 1. After the first day in pads, a 9th grader comes to me and says, "Coach, the doctor said I have to quit football." "What's wrong son?" I said, all concerned. "The doctor said I have a bad case of juvenile arthritis." 2. I'm chewing on a kid for missing practice. "Coach, there was a bad wreck right in front of our driveway and we couldn't get out for hours." "Why didn't you call me and let me know?" I said. The kid thought for a second and said, "The wreck took out the telephone pole and our phones wouldn't work either!" Actually, Juvenile Arthritis is a very serious issue. A local kid who was an great athlete had some bad problems with his health. Very mysterious and no one knew what it was.. turns out.. it was Juvenile Arthritis. They have it under control now.. but for a while.. I think they thought it was Menigitis or something else as serious. |
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Post by mrsixx6 on Oct 21, 2008 10:00:38 GMT -6
At practice one day after school...
Me: "Why are you late?"
Dummy: "Um, academic assistance, coach..."
Me: "Again? What class?"
Dummy: "P.E."
Me: "................."
Dummy: "(cough, cough)"
Me: ".....hurry up and go get in the drill."
Totally blew my higher brain functions to bits. Not sure I'll ever recover.
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Post by airraider on Oct 21, 2008 10:12:40 GMT -6
Had a kid who had turf toe one time. One of our coaches gave him a hard time and told him he needed to go to the gynocologist.
Well that thursday he missed pregame warm-ups. He had been practicing all week.
We asked him where he had been, and he said he was at his gynocologist appointment. Come to find out he skipped out to go to his girlfriends house. He thought he could get by on the excuse. If only he knew the difference between podiatrist and gynocologist.
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Post by jpdaley25 on Oct 21, 2008 10:20:28 GMT -6
We finished practice at 7p.m. Lame excuse came at 8 a.m. next day, and neither of his parents were doctors. Here's another:
"Why weren't you at practice?"
"I had to go to the doctor and get put in one of those tube thingys."
"Did they find anything?"
"Yup. Iv'e got M.R.Y."
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Post by splitricky5 on Oct 21, 2008 10:31:58 GMT -6
We had a sophomore miss dressing for a game this year because he got a tattoo for his birthday. He was afraid that teh shoulder pads would irritate it.
You have no idea how badly I wish I was making this up...
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Post by coachbb on Oct 21, 2008 10:35:45 GMT -6
Had a kid who had turf toe one time. One of our coaches gave him a hard time and told him he needed to go to the gynocologist. Well that thursday he missed pregame warm-ups. He had been practicing all week. We asked him where he had been, and he said he was at his gynocologist appointment. Come to find out he skipped out to go to his girlfriends house. He thought he could get by on the excuse. If only he knew the difference between podiatrist and gynocologist. Might be a little bit dirty, but he probably had his own little gynecology practice going on at his girlfriend's.  Seriously, I once had a kid at basketball practice complain that he could not make a chest pass because he did not eat breakfast that morning. |
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Post by coachbdud on Oct 21, 2008 12:21:32 GMT -6
had a kid on JV once, amazing athlete but slow upstairs. Anyway he missed practice one day and his coaches asked him where he was the next day. and he said " i was in manhattan" Now mind you we are in the bay area, CA... so this was quite a trip for just one day. So we asked again, naming other cities in the area that also began with the letter M, but he still insisted he had gone to manhattan for a day
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Post by eaglemountie on Oct 21, 2008 12:24:48 GMT -6
How about I had a doctor's appointment at 1 and I didn't know practice was going to last as long as it usually does.
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Post by coachcb on Oct 21, 2008 15:15:13 GMT -6
One of our sophs fed me this line last week after he came to practice in street clothes:
Me: What happened to you?
Player: I hurt my ankle yesterday, I can't practice today.
Me: Did you talk to the trainer?
Player: No....
Me: How do you know that you can't practice then??
Player: Because I talked to _____'s mom last night and she's into sport's injuries, she says I'm out for today.
Me (talking the player who's mom he refered to): Is your mom a trainer or a doctor??
Player #2: No... But she's a personal trainer!!
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Post by Yash on Oct 21, 2008 17:18:18 GMT -6
had a kid on JV once, amazing athlete but slow upstairs. Anyway he missed practice one day and his coaches asked him where he was the next day. and he said " i was in manhattan" Now mind you we are in the bay area, CA... so this was quite a trip for just one day. So we asked again, naming other cities in the area that also began with the letter M, but he still insisted he had gone to manhattan for a day Coach there is a Manhattan in Kansas so maybe he made a quick visit to Kansas State university for the day. That is probably only a 12 or 14 hour drive from california. |
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Post by jpdaley25 on Oct 21, 2008 17:20:43 GMT -6
This was a 9th grade girl's excuse for missing track practice:
"Summer, you're always missing practice. Tell me, why do you have to miss practice today?"
"Coach, my boyfriend shot his left testical off with a shotgun and grazed his penis, and I'm going to go visit him in the hospital."
I tried to keep a straight face. "Ok, Summer. You can miss practice." and when her back was turned I hit the floor. The sad part is - she wasn't lying. It was on the news that night. The next day she asked if we thought he could still have children. We sent her to the sex ed teacher for the answer. The joke that roamed around for a week or two after was - "how do you graze a penis - do you fence it in or what," "I'm fine as long as nobody grazes my penis," and endless variations on the theme.
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Post by eickst on Oct 21, 2008 17:37:40 GMT -6
Did you ask her if it was a short shotgun? How the freak do you shoot of your junk with a SHOTGUN!?!? I can see a pistol, he's being a badass, puts it in his pants.....but a SHOTGUN?
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Post by coachbdud on Oct 21, 2008 23:34:14 GMT -6
was she not putting out? so he decided to get it on with a shotgun???
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mike13
Sophomore Member
Posts: 108
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Post by mike13 on Oct 22, 2008 6:15:52 GMT -6
This happened a few years back. I was walking down the hall the first week of school. A girl walks up to me and says " Coach I'm sorry I quit track." I said, "That's OK." She replies " I didn't know you had to run."
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Post by jpdaley25 on Oct 22, 2008 8:16:57 GMT -6
The 9th grade girl was as innocent as could be and looked like a 12 year old kid. That's what made it so funny. She ran the two mile for us when the other team didn't have anyone in that event. Her personal best time was 31 minutes. According to the news report, the boy was attempting to clean the gun when it went off.
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Post by pantherpride91 on Oct 22, 2008 8:37:58 GMT -6
My first year coaching we had a kid miss a day of practice
Upon his arrival, we call him into the coaches office before practice and proceed to ask him where he was...
Just to let you know he goes to the vocational school and no coaches see him until practice. He tells us that he sneezed in the morning at school and crapped his pants. He says he got embarassed (for obvious reasons) and called his mom to come get him. To make sure he was telling the truth we talked to another vocational student and he confirms it by telling him he "straight up dumped in his pants"
Being a first year coach I lost it and those that are still on staff with us today still laugh about it
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Post by realdawg on Oct 22, 2008 9:29:29 GMT -6
First day of contact last year, little kid (I am OL coach, and he is in my group at 5'2 115 lbs) comes up to me and tugs my sleeve. I am all fired up and just snorting and spitting everywhere, WHAT?!?!?!?! I yell. He says "Coach, I dont think I should hit today." WHY NOT!!!  ? Response-My dads insurance doesnt kick in until Sept. 1. I lost it and told the kids-Good idea, go sit in the shade. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2008 14:10:16 GMT -6
Not football related, but still funny/pathetic. This happened just a few minutes ago... Our school offers a "study club" after school from 3:05-3:45 because we don't offer a true study hall during the school day. Almost every teacher in the building gives extra credit to students for attending this. A female student told me she didn't have time to go to study club. When I asked why not, her response was and I quote, "I have too much homework to do."  |
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Post by airman on Oct 23, 2008 15:43:28 GMT -6
first year out of college and I working at a crappy high school with a crappy football team.
so we are facing and option team. our FS is the alley player on the option so he should be able to at least hit some one.
the other busts out an option play. the fs comes up and stops letting the qb run buy.
he gets on the sideline and the DC is just ready to rip him a new one.
DC: so why didn't you tackle the qb
kid: coach it is a 15 yard roughing the passer if you hit the qb.
DC: was speachless
the kid thought any time you tackled the qb you got a roughing the passer penality.
had a kid in PE class one time do the following
we were in a basketball unit. so we are playing 5 on 5 basketball and he just stands under his teams basket so his team is really playing 4 on 5 on offense. so I ask the kid what he was doing. he responds, playing defense coach. he though players played offense and defense in basketball just not at the same time.
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Post by assistantcoachp on Oct 23, 2008 21:17:31 GMT -6
ok, here's a funny one. During practice one of my players was constantly asking me for the time, I mean like every 10 minutes. "coach what time is it?", "coach what time is it now?" I wasn't thinking about the frequency of him asking me until about the 8th time, I realized to myself, "why the hell is this kid asking me for the time so much." The next time he asked for the time I said, "<insert player name>, why the heck do you keep asking me for the time?!" He says, "because i need to know how to regulate my time". I said, "whaaaa?!". He goes, "yea coach to be truly effective I can't give 100% energy all the time, I have to spread it out for the duration of practice."
I almost pee'd my pants laughing, and what made it funny was he was drop dead serious. He's a great kid, very smart and articulate, and he has that Dustin Hoffman, rain man personality. So just imagine rain man in practice as you read it again.
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Post by cmow5 on Oct 23, 2008 23:12:34 GMT -6
Ok this excuse might not be the best, but the solution is.
Frosh season is over and we gave a few frosh the opportunity to practice with the varsity for the reminder of the season. One kid, always injured, but loves to play. I just think he has a low tolerance for pain. He has a hurt hip. goes up to the DC and says "Coach, I will be a little late for practice today, I have to go see the trainer" DC says "Whats wrong" kid says " I think I sprained my hip, but I heard that if you rub Tomato juice on it it will feel better" so the injured kid spent his lunch looking for Tomato Juice.
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Post by doworkson on Oct 24, 2008 14:09:05 GMT -6
Had this one last week...........my mom won't let me go cause my sisters boyfriend got arrested last night.
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Post by eickst on Oct 24, 2008 14:40:59 GMT -6
We had a kid who was missing up until practice started, we were wondering where he was, and his mom showed up at the time practice is supposed to start. So we're thinking, great he's here. Talk to the mom, the kid isn't with her. She said he "didn't feel like practicing today".
So he didn't feel like playing that weekend either.
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Post by champ93 on Oct 26, 2008 10:14:48 GMT -6
Had this one last week...........my mom won't let me go cause my sisters boyfriend got arrested last night. sounds familiar... a kid tells me he went home after school because his mother left him a message that his older brother violated his probation and she had to take him to jail. I asked why he had to go home, he told me someone needed to be home to keep an eye on their "stuff". Another kid emailed me that he left after school because he hurt his neck in the game Friday night (this was a Monday) and he went home to ice it. I explained to him that the school pays good money for a trainer, an ice machine to make ice and bags to put it in. |
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Post by chadp56 on Oct 26, 2008 10:31:42 GMT -6
We asked a kid who showed up to get equipment where he had been all summer since he never came to any team events. He said he had to attend a lot of baby showers!! That was hilarious. I didn't know they did baby showers on Monday, Wedensday, and Thursday mornings! Same kid asked that year why we didn't throw passes to the lineman! Pretty funny for a kid who was a junior and had played football for several years.
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coachh
Junior Member
Posts: 336
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Post by coachh on Oct 26, 2008 14:05:52 GMT -6
Had a senior starter miss his last game because he had to go to Eagle Scouts.
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Post by coachclemenger on Oct 26, 2008 21:31:15 GMT -6
One of our most talented players (and one of the best receivers in the state) missed a Wednesday practice a couple of weeks ago to babysit. The player's aunt was going to a Mary J. Blige concert so he had to watch his cousins.
Crap.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 7:26:44 GMT -6
This one is actually not lame, it happened in our game last week and was funny as he!l !! Anyhow we are in there at halftime of a fairly close ballgame for us (13-7 vs. the #10 team in the state) and we are going over things and the HC tells everybody to take a knee. Well our junior OLB does not take a knee and when asked why he says that if he moves he will crap his pants!!!! He stood there breathing in through the nose and out through his mouth for a good minute, and when he saw or ah felt the oppourtunity he bolted for the toilet!! He wasn't kidding either!!
Duece
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Post by los on Oct 27, 2008 8:01:55 GMT -6
Ha Ha, lmao......thats hilarious duece.........I lost my 7 tech DE during a jv game, for the same thing.....kid took himself out of the game.....comes running over.....coach, I really gotta go......well.....this was a new program......the field was ready but no fieldhouse......the restrooms at the school locker room were a good qtr. mile away......to make a long story short...the kid never came back......missing in action, lol.....went home I guess?
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? Response-My dads insurance doesnt kick in until Sept. 1. I lost it and told the kids-Good idea, go sit in the shade.
